Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options
The British cover of the first Harry Potter Book.
In the first book, Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days), learns that his benevolent aunt and uncle Vernon and Petunia are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge
. To keep their secret well hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by a large bearded dwarf
telling him that he's "special".
Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort
(named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.
One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Jedi Apprentice Academy at Hogwarts to master in Quidditch
. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way he meets tall, anorexicRon Weasley
and plot device Hermione Granger
, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art and kill off their Self Defense teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world".
The American publication of the book was re-titled "The Rich Dude's Stock Options" because research
has indicated that American children are allergic to dictionaries.
Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Alderaan
“That's no moon...
~ Oscar Obi-Wilde on Book 3 Plot
When Harry senses a thousand voices "crying out, and suddenly silenced", he goes to investigate. It turns out that the notorious spammer Sinister Black
has escaped from prison
and along with Princess Lisa of Alderaan has decided to use his magical powers of mass hypnosis
to try to break the world "simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people" record. Determined to thwart this evil
genius, Harry returns to school, only to end up being diagnosed with dementia and locked in a safe.
"Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father."
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
"No, Harry. I
am your father!"
"No, it's not true! It's impossible!"
"Search your feelings... you know it to be true..."
Different regional printings include variations that suited the local nationality including title and content changes. In "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekistan
", Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov
and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical. In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan
, Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead. In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Turkmenistan
, Harry accidentally offends Turkmenbashi due to the wording of a spell and is imprisoned for blasphemy. Other copies include "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Bay
" in which Voldemort sells Harry to the marines as a Taliban
combatant; "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib
" where Harry is stripped naked and forced to cast spells on his privates; and "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Finland
" in which Harry can't tell that he's in prison except for the constant reminders that if he ran off, the government would be "very hurt".
Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallow
The sample cover for one proposed title, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Stargate".
“You want to kill me, don't you? Just pick up your wand -- it's right over there.
~ The Inquisitor on Harry's severed hands
Harry gets captured and tortured by a witch hunter. Possibly the most useful book of the series, as it provides vital information concerning how to deal with magic users. Face it, you're neither
a wizard nor a witch, so info about how they cast magic isn't useful as "how a direct hit at face can prevent the wizard from casting a spell on you". The majority of book, however, mostly consists of violence and gory torture scenes as Harry is interrogated
by none other than the great Jack Bauer
. In few last chapters, Jesus
himself appear as guest character, leading an army of the righteous in a crusade against all magic users, culminating in Harry's execution by hanging. In a postscript, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of Rev. Rod Parsley, the hippogrifs are captive-bred for poultry, Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest, Harry's money is seized by the IRS for payment of back taxes, and Dobby is relocated to a Malaysian sweatshop.
A 2007 article in Tiger Beat
, a teen magazine, reported that Rowling had arrived on the sound of the title before deciding on the specific wording and plot. Alternatives batted about included:
- Harry Potter and the Deadly Bellows: Queen Victoria returns to head Hogwarts, and all ragamuffin orphans like Harry are put in their place, working in a factory with lax safety standards.
- Harry Potter and Dudley's Tallow: Desperate for replacement suet for a candle-enchanting spell required to graduate from Hogwarts, Harry finds an unexpected source in his oft-annoying cousin.
The article also went on to state that Daniel Radcliffe is "soooo hot".
Harry Potter and the Snapes on a Plane
“'I have had it with these motherfucking Snapes on this motherfucking plane!'
~ Samuel L. Jackson on a plane Dumbledore
, using his awesome powers of blatant copyright infringement, reappears alive in the Fangorn Forest (this is actually what happens in the series of short stories 'Lord of the Rings
' by J.K. Rowling
). Upon flying home to step-child Harry Potter
, Snape learns of his revival. He makes a whole load of motherfucking clones of himself and puts them on Dumbledore's Plane, hoping to kill him once and for all. Dumbledore is played by Samuel L. Jackson
in this book, unlike the other books in which he is portrayed by Andy Serkis
and state-of-the-art computer animation.