Well, I wrote this in, what, 20 minutes, so it's bound to suck. Also, this is, like, based on a conversation between me and my friend, so...yeah. Enjoy.
How It Happened...
It was only once through all the years of Hyrule did a Hylian ever see a short man in a red hat and overalls galloping unsuccessfully on a beautiful horse with a stunning white mane. “Are you a deformed Goron?” was the only question asked to the plump man, although it was only answered with a weak punch to the interrogator, knocking the questioner unconscious. However, it was soon enough that a young woman with dazzling red hair recognized the horse, and Malon knew Epona’s owner was not riding on her.
She chased after Epona, but the horse was just too fast for her, and the sun was starting to set. Malon ran back to the ranch for if she stayed out in the dark too long, children from the underworld, known as Stalchild, would come out to play, and any mortal in their sight was bound to be gone the next day. As she drew nearer and nearer to Lon Lon Ranch, she saw a young man in a rather unstylish green tunic she had known for a very long time.
“Fairy boy!” Malon exclaimed gleefully, but the man in the Kokiri boots had been knocked unconscious. However, he had no bruises or wounds, except a black eye. Malon grew worried, and she called for her uncle. “Ingo! Come quick! Link is…Link is…LINK IS DOWN!”
Never once had Malon addressed the young man as his name; ‘fairy boy’ and ‘Link’ was the same to her. Her uncle realized this and was concerned of the situation. He called for his brother, and Ingo ran to where Malon was, with Talon tumbling after.
“What happened?” Ingo asked Malon. Malon pointed to Link and Ingo’s eyes slowly moved to the still body. Huffing and puffing, Talon came out of nowhere with a pocket egg. “I…I…thought…this”—he paused—“would help…” he managed to cough out. Malon examined the egg.
“But Daddy…” Malon said. “These eggs don’t hatch until the new day!” Talon hadn’t heard a word she said since he had just fainted of exhaustion; after all, he hadn’t ran that far in who knew how many years. Ingo decided his brother couldn’t be any more helpful in the situation, so he took the pocket egg and told Malon to bring a candle. Malon soon returned and Ingo set the egg above the tiny flame. It quickly hatched, and the Cuckoo inside it cried its traditional scream. Link and Talon rose immediately.
Malon helped Link into their house and gave him two bottles of Lon Lon Milk. “Link,” she quietly said, “what happened?” Link almost choked on the milk. He was stunned to hear his name – his actual name – in a serious tone from the happy girl who had always called him ‘fairy boy’. He decided not to question it and began to tell the three of all of the events that had recently happened to him.
“It’s Mario,” Link started, and the three stared at him. He explained to them that Mario is this Italian plumber in a red cap and overalls, and he looks like a deformed Goron.” They understood immediately; Malon even claimed to have seen him. Link continued his tale.
“I met Mario in 1998, when we were both scheduled to be in the same game, Super Smash Bros. 64. However, it was the same year that this game – Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time – was named Game of the Century. Being the mascot for Nintendo”—Link decided not to explain Nintendo to the trio, fearing it would confuse them even more—“Mario was exceptionally jealous that Super Mario 64 was not Game of the Century, and that my game was, and to make things worse, I was in a popular game with him. So he has decided to ambush me and show what he and the Mushroom Kingdom is truly made up of.”
~ * * ~ * * ~ * * ~
The man who Link identified as Mario was riding on Epona, but it seemed with every step Epona too she injured him, which she seemed to enjoy. However, neither realized a blue fairy madly charging at them. When the blue fairy caught up to them, she cried, “STOP!!” Epona came to a sudden halt, almost throwing Mario off the horse. Navi pointed and laughed at Mario, then started speaking.
“How, may I ask, did you manage to ambush Link, as well as convince Epona to come with you?”
The tubby man laughed. “I’ve played this game before, I know what to do. I used a grasswhistle to play Epona’s song…how else would I get her?” Mario said. “And let’s just say Link was knocked out by an unidentified boulder.” Mario turned away and whistled.
“Whatever,” Navi said, as she decided not to question this. Less talk from the fatty in red is good, she thought to herself. Plus his Italian accent is terrible and is killing me. There was just something about him that made her say, “I can trust a deformed Goron like you, I guess. After all, you pretty much know what to do.
“Do you see that sack around the horse’s neck?”
“Well that sack has three special stones, the—”
“Kokiri Emerald, Goron Ruby and Zora Sapphire,” Mari finished. “I told you I’ve played this game before.” Navi game him a dangerously evil and warning look, telling him not to butt in anymore before she continued.
“Anyway,” she said, “Link had gathered the three stones and put them on the pedestal and took the Master Sword and did all that junk. After he was an adult, he took the three stones and replaced them with phonies, planning to make huge rupees off them. Do you know how many rupees those cost?!” she asked Mario. He shook his head. “7000 rupees! 7000! And I hear Ganondorf is willing to buy them for 30 grand each!
“That’s why we have to go to the castle to sell them. Say we split the profits 50-50?” Mario opened his answer to speak, but Navi didn’t give him the chance. “Oh, you’re so kind! I’ll keep all the profits, if you insist!” Mario frowned, but he was too afraid of Navi to argue.
She took a long look at Mario.
“The guards won’t let you in the castle, I can tell,” she said finally. “But, no worries! Link was supposed to go to the castle to give the princess a special-made Goron bracelet at her request.” Navi lowered her voice. “I hear she’s training for the newest Super Smash game, since she was such a waste in the original one.
“Unfortunately, Link currently has the bracelet in his possession, but in his sack, there’s a signed letter from the princess. Normally, I’d sell her autograph, but we need it right now. So, get the letter out”—Mario rummaged through the sack—“and remember not to lose it.”
Mario just nodded, as he did not understand most of what Navi had just said. Navi sensed an aura of stupidity around him, and thought to herself, Gee, what a dunce!
She pointed to the castle. Mario looked there, and asked, “Why?”
Navi had lost her temper, She picked up Mario by the collar (of his new red polo) and threateningly replied, “Go—see—the—princess. Now.” As Mario reluctantly agreed, he noticed he had developed a fear towards the flying blue thing.
The trio traveled across Hyrule Field. They weren’t very far from the Hyrule Castle when suddenly, the moon was in place of the sun. “Oh boy,” Navi said, and from far away, she saw the drawbridge to the Hyrule Marketplace close, and Stalchilds emerged from the ground. Mario knew what to do, and he quickly looked through Link’s arsenal pouch and pulled out…
…the bunnyhood mask!
He stuck it on his head, and as he did, they all disappeared. “Good thinking!” Navi complimented him. They continued to pursue their mile-and-half distance, with Mario wearing the mask.
As they kept moving, a man who was running very slowly (“at an average of 4 miles per hour” according to Navi) happened to come across them. “I am the running man of Hyrule,” he introduced himself, “and I happen to like your mask. How much you want for it?”
“Five hundred rupees,” Mario said to him. The running man gave him 1000 instead. With the bunnyhood mask on, he ran 200 miles per hour, “increasing his speed by 500%!” Navi said. Mario smiled at his ingenious accomplishment of profit. Navi greedily looked in the huge sack of rupees.
“You idiot!!” she exclaimed. “They’re fake!
“Come back! You gave me the wrong kind of rupees!” Mario called the scammer, but he was already long gone. To add to his troubles, the Stalchilds came up again, much to his dismay.
Mario grabbed the heavy Biggoron Sword from its scabbard and attempted to kill them all, but the sword did no damage to them. “Oh yes!” Navi remembered. “Zelda put a spell on them so they would kill all intruders!”
Navi thought a while, then said, “Use the Master Sword instead.”
Mario fended off the Stalchilds and stuck the Biggoron Sword where it belonged, but he looked in the arsenal pouch for the sword. Navi exasperatedly cried, “The scabbard, man, the scabbard!” Mario kept looking through the arsenal pouch, not knowing what she was talking about.
He suddenly shouted, “LOOK! I found Farore’s Wind!” The green jewel glowed mystically as Mario threw it down and was greeted with options.
“Would you like to set a warp point or teleport somewhere?
Mario selected the teleport option.
“Please select the destination you’d like to find yourself at. This requires 10 magic power.
He hit ‘Hyrule Marketplace’ dot, but they didn’t go anywhere. “You only have 3 magic power, dummy,” Navi said. He looked around for a solution, and strangled a Stalchild for 10 MP. Once again, he selected the ‘Hyrule Marketplace’ dot.