Since I had today the time to read Vishnu's fiction thoughrouly, I'll comment on points by chapter (feel free to answer by point if you deem it relevant). Unfortunately, I only could read half of it, the other half I must leave to tomorrow since I have another wide interval to do so.
- What's the etymology for "Arinasa" and "Asclose"? I'm kind of an etymological freak, so not knowing where those names come from distracts me a little.
- When I was reading the amphitheater scene, I was thinking to myself "why don't the hundred-and-so other students flee through the backdoor?", but then I realized that not all amphitheaters in Europe have two doors like we have here. That said, I understand why they didn't flee, since they were trapped, but you should make sure that the door the robed guys walked in was the only door to explain why the students weren't behaving as they'd normally would (in this case, to flee from the amphitheater).
- A suggestion: could you put the names of the character's lines in bold? Makes it easier on the readers' eyes to separate dialog from action.
- I liked the two meta twists you did with Vishnu. The first being naming him Claude, which means "lame", and the second being Vishnu killing Jaganath, considered an avatar of Vishnu.
A thrilling introduction, to say the least.
- Sorry if this was already discussed, but what's the deal with the asterisks without footnotes? Am I missing something?
- I think you dropped the ball in the amphitheater scene since you seem to have forgotten about the hundred-and-so students. You have all the killings, talk about Gods and magic being tossed and not a single reaction coming out of them? You could've simply made them exit the room as soon as Asclose and co. left the scene.
- The line "And you're part of it, love" threw me off a bit. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but normally I'd pose them as lovers before throwing the "love" adjective. I thought they were friends until that point.
- Another question on etymology about Sciffer. The closest I find is Old English Skiffer ("fisherman") but I'm not seeing how that equates to lightning.
- The tension progression between Claude killing Arthur and the Sesto scene could be better handled, but the hilarious payoff pretty much covers it. Bitchin'!
- Just a comparison between our writing styles: I too wrote a drive scene in Paris (Waters of Ocean Darkest, Chapter II), but mine was 20 km long and I spent almost a 1000 words on that scene alone, describing pretty much everything of note in that drive. You make a 1240 km drive and spend fewer than 300 words on it. By Cthulhu, if it was me, I'd probably spend an whole chapter on the Vienna-Paris drive alone.
A decent transitional chapter, considering your style. As I said, I'd do it differently, since I'm more about detail and progression rather than driving the plot home, but hey, that's me.
- Darn my rich knowledge, when I read "Sigmund" and "Grigori" I thought of the Völsung saga's Sigmund and the Grigori angels. You could see my disappointment when it was Freud and Rasputin (specially the latter one, poor guy didn't deserve the bad reputation he got).
- Etymology question again, now for Aerhis, Duodenae and Ëaren. Although I know what they mean in standard etymology ("Aerial", "of 12 parts" and "Wanderer"), they don't exactly match their properties.
- Arinasa's reaction dangerously tips into the nonchalant field. More skepticism would do wonders in her dialog.
- You should have written more tension between Claude and co. and Freud & Rasputin. One thing is to have antagonism between people who have to put up with each other, but this isn't seemingly the case, since it was implied they don't interact that often.
- Why does Radium hurt gods and not any other element?
- ZOMG, the reference pool is through the roof! Making shout outs for FMA and Hunchback of Notre Dame, are we?!
- Another meta twist here. Yama is supposed to be subordinate to Vishnu in Hinduism, nice.
- You wasted a good reference with Fulgur if you named it Vajra instead.
Unlike what Kiddjutsu said at the time, this chapter does not need more action at all. The action and plot advancement are on the spot (and reminds me of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter) and very enjoyable, but dialog and scenery description need work.
- Nitpicking here, Sciffer's releases should be Tertius, Secundus and Primus/Tertia, Secunda and Prima or Tertium, Secundum and Primum, or else you have a Latin word salad there.
- Etymology nagging again, now for Deiphyna. I get the "dei" particle, but not the "phyna" part.
- Another Latin nitpick, it should be "De sacrificium me vestrum" if you intent was for "Of sacrifice I cover myself".
- Vishnu, why u no consistent with Latin? It’s either Magna Adtonita or Magnus Adtonitus!
- As much as the nomenclature is non-conventional, naming a slave Egyptian from 5200 years ago “Robert” is really pushing the Suspension of Disbelief a tad too much.
A good transitive chapter with a good flashback to give it a pinch of action. And work your Latin if you want to use it!
- Dorian Gray seems oddly placed here, although you do have a mythical bunch of characters.
- Nooooo, Tesla! Don’t be a villain! I thought you were cool!
- The scene with Henry recapitulating what Aerhis/Duodenae/Ëaren are was unnecessary as it added pretty much nothing to the plot
- Your Italian is quite good. Props on that.
- Just a clarification, Castel Sant’Angelo isn’t in the Vatican, is in Rome. The Swiss Guard can’t be there without permission of Rome’s Police. The only part the Swiss Guard can guard of the castle it’s the underground passage that leads to the Vatican.
- Another clarification, the Buddha wasn’t fat. Quite the contrary, he was thin and starved himself many times.
Overall great action, but you could expand on the villains a bit more.
- Another nitpick on the Latin, it should be “Plures ardentes petrae cadunt”.
- You must hate me by this point, but the correct Latin is “Orta Terra”.
- Iridium isn’t the rarest metal on Earth, that title belongs to Technetium, which is so unstable it’s almost a miracle to find outside of radioactive decay of heavier metals. But Iridium is still a very rare metal and the second stiffest of them all (right behind Osmium).
- Loved the scene with Athena, quite fitting for the goddess of law and justice.
- The Dark General scene could be much better if the difference between him and Claude was more pronounced. In that tidbit, it almost seems like the difference is cosmetic at best.
Another great action chapter and I dare say the best yet. I was going to say something about the overall writing, but I feel I should leave that for tomorrow.
@Vishnu and Kiddjutsu
: maybe it's my English that is failing me, but I'm not saying that Kiddjutsu's posts are completely worthless or that he doesn't help the writers. The thing is, and Kiddjutsu admitted it right away, is that he doesn't criticize the works when that's the best kind of commentary that a writer can possibly have. That's an yes-man in my book.
Kiddjutsu, you don't need to be a writer to notice where something is wrong or when something isn't satisfying you as a reader, so again I say, don't be afraid to point out the flaws when they're there. Right above I noted Vishnu's clunky Latin but that doesn't suddenly makes his work sucky, by the contrary, it's very enjoyable in a crazy way, only he needs to improve the Latin he uses. THAT is what I'd love to see you employ in your commentaries. Saying what you like is nice, but isn't as fully constructive as criticism is. And many times, saying to the writer what he did was sucky (if it indeed is, of course) may be harsh, but it's a good wake up call for him to awake and realize he needs to improve a lot.
To specific quotes:
Now, as for the story you wrote, I recall telling you directly that I liked how the story was framed but needed more posted to understand what da hell was goin on since it was so original and did t derive from a previous manga like Naruto or a spinoff from another fanfic like Vishnu did his. Now, on to better things.
Yes, but you said you didn't understand how the powers worked. In the second chapter I explain the powers. That's what I meant by you not commenting on the second chapter when things you asked for are there. So I ask you: do you understand or do you want it to be further explained?
I don't want his opinion because i'm starving for compliments, but because he often inspires me to devise new designs for my story.
And I didn't say that, Vishnu, only that positive-only commentaries can ruin a writer. See Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, they're each other's yes-men and look how they completely butchered a good ol' vampire fiction. I'm not saying that is happening to you, but better be safe than sorry.