Join Date: May 2011
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Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!
My god, Num. Thank you very much for this. And i mean it. It's been a long time since i had so many questions to answer at once. I will do my best to answer to everything. But first i want to explain something: there are several parts in the plot that don't make sense. Now. Because some paragraphs there will receive a meaning in the future. Some paragraphs there are the foundation for the several twists of the plot. I'm sorry for that, but it's my writing style.*
What's the etymology for "Arinasa" and "Asclose"? I'm kind of an etymological freak, so not knowing where those names come from distracts me a little.
It doesn't have an etymology. It's a made up name. For Arinasa's character, i wanted an unique name, something that was never used before.*
When I was reading the amphitheater scene, I was thinking to myself "why don't the hundred-and-so other students flee through the backdoor?", but then I realized that not all amphitheaters in Europe have two doors like we have here. That said, I understand why they didn't flee, since they were trapped, but you should make sure that the door the robed guys walked in was the only door to explain why the students weren't behaving as they'd normally would (in this case, to flee from the amphitheater).
Yeah, i recall that mistake. I missed that part, and you're right. I have to be more careful about this kind of details.
A suggestion: could you put the names of the character's lines in bold? Makes it easier on the readers' eyes to separate dialog from action.
It's a valid suggestion and i will do it.*
I liked the two meta twists you did with Vishnu. The first being naming him Claude, which means "lame", and the second being Vishnu killing Jaganath, considered an avatar of Vishnu.
It's interesting that you have noticed this. It's a very subtle analogy that i have made there.*
Sorry if this was already discussed, but what's the deal with the asterisks without footnotes? Am I missing something?
No you're not missing anything. My tablet adds them when i'm writing, and i don't know why. I tried to discover the source but i failed. Just ignore them.
I think you dropped the ball in the amphitheater scene since you seem to have forgotten about the hundred-and-so students. You have all the killings, talk about Gods and magic being tossed and not a single reaction coming out of them? You could've simply made them exit the room as soon as Asclose and co. left the scene.
Again, i made a mistake forgetting about the students.
The line "And you're part of it, love" threw me off a bit. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but normally I'd pose them as lovers before throwing the "love" adjective. I thought they were friends until that point.
I think that you have noticed in the next chapters. It's just Claude's manner of speaking.*
Another question on etymology about Sciffer. The closest I find is Old English Skiffer ("fisherman") but I'm not seeing how that equates to lightning.
Sciffer, it's a name that has a personal meaning for me. If you want i can send you a PM about it, because i don't feel like sharing this with everyone.
The tension progression between Claude killing Arthur and the Sesto scene could be better handled, but the hilarious payoff pretty much covers it. Bitchin'!
I am aware about the tension there, but i didn't wanted at that point to apply to much of it, because the overall effect would have been interpreted as rushing the action.
Just a comparison between our writing styles: I too wrote a drive scene in Paris (Waters of Ocean Darkest, Chapter II), but mine was 20 km long and I spent almost a 1000 words on that scene alone, describing pretty much everything of note in that drive. You make a 1240 km drive and spend fewer than 300 words on it. By Cthulhu, if it was me, I'd probably spend an whole chapter on the Vienna-Paris drive alone.
I thought about having a conversation in the car, but i chose a different scenery. Because the idea of adding Leonardo to the discussion popped out.
Darn my rich knowledge, when I read "Sigmund" and "Grigori" I thought of the Völsung saga's Sigmund and the Grigori angels. You could see my disappointment when it was Freud and Rasputin (specially the latter one, poor guy didn't deserve the bad reputation he got).
He didn't but he received that reputation though. And the Grigori angels would have been an interesting choice, too bad that i didn't thought about it.
Etymology question again, now for Aerhis, Duodenae and Ëaren. Although I know what they mean in standard etymology ("Aerial", "of 12 parts" and "Wanderer"), they don't exactly match their properties.
Again, made up names.*
Arinasa's reaction dangerously tips into the nonchalant field. More skepticism would do wonders in her dialog.
And this is what i was saying about. Her reactions are part of the plot. She is too nonchalant as you say. Unfortunately i cannot reveal much more at this point.
You should have written more tension between Claude and co. and Freud & Rasputin. One thing is to have antagonism between people who have to put up with each other, but this isn't seemingly the case, since it was implied they don't interact that often.
Claude doesn't think of them as appropiate adversaries.
Why does Radium hurt gods and not any other element?
That will be explained soon enough.
Another meta twist here. Yama is supposed to be subordinate to Vishnu in Hinduism, nice.
You wasted a good reference with Fulgur if you named it Vajra instead.
I see what you mean with Vajra. But i chosed latin, instead of chinese or japanese.
Nitpicking here, Sciffer's releases should be Tertius, Secundus and Primus/Tertia, Secunda and Prima or Tertium, Secundum and Primum, or else you have a Latin word salad there.
Unfortunately i don't speak latin. And i researched on the internet. I know that it's not a good choice there, but to me Tertia, Secundo and Primum sounded much better.
Etymology nagging again, now for Deiphyna. I get the "dei" particle, but not the "phyna" part.
Again a made up name.
Another Latin nitpick, it should be "De sacrificium me vestrum" if you intent was for "Of sacrifice I cover myself".
Vishnu, why u no consistent with Latin? It’s either Magna Adtonita or Magnus Adtonitus!
As much as the nomenclature is non-conventional, naming a slave Egyptian from 5200 years ago “Robert” is really pushing the Suspension of Disbelief a tad too much.
A good transitive chapter with a good flashback to give it a pinch of action. And work your Latin if you want to use it!
I know. I really have to improve my Latin. And, if i had a different setup planned for Robert, but i lacked the necessary time to persist on that. Either way, i will make up for using the name with dedicating an entire chapter to his history pretty soon.
Dorian Gray seems oddly placed here, although you do have a mythical bunch of characters.
I needed to give Mozart an opponent.
The scene with Henry recapitulating what Aerhis/Duodenae/Ëaren are was unnecessary as it added pretty much nothing to the plot
I recapitulated that for the reader so they wouldn't have to go back several pages behind if they had forgot.
Your Italian is quite good. Props on that.
Just a clarification, Castel Sant’Angelo isn’t in the Vatican, is in Rome. The Swiss Guard can’t be there without permission of Rome’s Police. The only part the Swiss Guard can guard of the castle it’s the underground passage that leads to the Vatican.
Castel Sant'Angelo is a three minutes walk away from Vatican. And i used the connection with the passage. And i know about the Swiss guard but that's not necessary a mistake, since i didn't mention if they have the permission of not.
Another clarification, the Buddha wasn’t fat. Quite the contrary, he was thin and starved himself many times.
I know. It's just for the effect of the story. Again, this is one of the things that will play a part in the future of the plot.
Iridium isn’t the rarest metal on Earth, that title belongs to Technetium, which is so unstable it’s almost a miracle to find outside of radioactive decay of heavier metals. But Iridium is still a very rare metal and the second stiffest of them all (right behind Osmium).
Something new. I had no knowledge of thr Technetium. I will research on that. Thank you.
Loved the scene with Athena, quite fitting for the goddess of law and justice.
Yeah, i thought of devising a power fitting to her status.
The Dark General scene could be much better if the difference between him and Claude was more pronounced. In that tidbit, it almost seems like the difference is cosmetic at best.
Another great action chapter and I dare say the best yet. I was going to say something about the overall writing, but I feel I should leave that for tomorrow.
The cosmetic difference it's because i only showed a tidbit as you say. The next chapters will show why he was feared, and his different personality. Also, the very next chapter will show why does he exists inside Vishnu.
Thank you for your observations Num, it was really helpful. As i said: i really appreciate that you wasted your time on this. I hope that i answered everything and please, if you have again time in the future, analyze again my work. It helps me find flaws and evolve. Because right now i'm doing an experiment. I write without having a plan, or looking back at the previous chapters. I want to see how much can i remember and how can i handle the various ideas that i have and make them work without constant checking of the previous chapters. Just based on memories and intuition. Anyway...Thank you again!
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?