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Old 11-30-2012, 07:16 PM   #1346
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Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Continuing my commentary...

Chapter VII:
  • Oh, you tease, throwing an off-screen sex scene!
  • One more Latin nitpick, it'd be Centum Gladii
  • I don't know if that was your intent or not, by Refringo means "I break", which is kind of odd considering the rest of the nomenclature
  • Axis Mundi is the villains' version of Deus ex Machina. Cheating bastard, the whole lot!
  • Claude ain't dead, you kind of spoiled your twist there in the comments of previous chapters.
  • Why did they go to Bucharest to hail Claude's funeral? Until that point nothing was connecting the country to Claude.
The third of the action-packed chapters but not as satisfying as the previous. Felt kind of rushed.

Act II, Chapter I:
  • Latin nitpick #364534548723: Sphaera Interit
  • Flamel is a nice guy, allowing Max to pick up the phone.
  • The Darwin shot scene was good
  • All that was missing from Michael abducting Arinasa was a "yoink!" line
A decent set up chapter that hints for a thrilling volume.

Chapter II:
  • Why are the minds of the immortals sealed to Michael's telepathic reading and Ëaren minds not? And it's Claude!
  • Err... is Portas Aperite.
  • So becoming an Ëaren is pretty much the reverse of acquiring the MS. Nice touch.
  • Poor Athena, relinquished to a now outdated ability.
  • C'mon, Vishnu, the twist of Claude coming at Celest City was obvious!
  • So Claude declares himself the leaders and people just go like “okay”? I comprehend not trying to go against him, but not having any friction is kind of odd.
  • Why did Claude survive Axis Mundi? More importantly, how did the Beyonders not even notice that?
  • The Beyonders’ reaction to Claude’s survival is nonchalant to say the least.
  • Oh, the good ol’ “pretending to turn coats to save friends from a big threat”. Nice.
  • Latin again: Ultima Chorea
The action was top-notch in this chapter, but, excepting the Claude twist, the aftermath should have been handled better.

Chapter III:
  1. Henry’s suggestion was… well, stupid, considering the group’s intent was to back up Claude while protecting Arinasa, not to chase
  2. Ultimus Cataclysmus
  3. So Balance of Truth can be broken and restored? Kind of a bummer Michael breaking it had no aftereffect.
  4. So half of the city was destroyed and no god/immortal complained about it?
Transitional chapter, but very entertaining.

Now for what you said about my commentary:
Sciffer, it's a name that has a personal meaning for me. If you want i can send you a PM about it, because i don't feel like sharing this with everyone.

No need to, I understand.

Unfortunately i don't speak latin. And i researched on the internet. I know that it's not a good choice there, but to me Tertia, Secundo and Primum sounded much better.

@ bold: That's odd, considering Romanian is a Latin-derived language. As a fellow Latin-derived language user, it confuses the shit out of me having a feminine, a masculine and a neuter adjective thrown together.

That said, is a good source to check the Latin, since it shows how it's conjugated in both gender, number and purpose.

I recapitulated that for the reader so they wouldn't have to go back several pages behind if they had forgot.

A tip: when writing, consider your readers geniuses that understand and remember everything. Only when they pose questions and forget stuff is when you recapitulate and pan out stuff. It's better for the reader to have genuine doubt rather than feeling patronized.

Now a commentary of the writing as a whole, you're like the diametric version of me: while my dialog and attention to detail are very good and my action writing and tension are sucky, your action writing and tension are very good but your attention to detail and dialog need serious improvement. Would be an interesting experiment if we wrote something together.

That said, there are issues in your writing considering the 9 C's of good writing:
  1. Coherency
  2. Consistency
  3. Characterization
  4. Characters before plot
  5. Canon before appeal
  6. Cop-outs are to be avoided
  7. Clichés too
  8. Cognizant writer is the best writer
  9. Can't please everyone, or you'll please none
While points 1, 2, 7 and 9 are of good health, the others need to be worked on.

3) Characterization:Only Claude and Robert are properly characterized. All other characters are just... there, including Arinasa and Max, who you said would be sharing the spotlight with Claude and Robert, but there's no drive exclusive to those characters. And the only things truly distinguishing the immortals on either side are their names and abilities, otherwise they're just numbers for the count. If they were one-arc wonders or characters that only appear once in a while (like the Beyonders), it'd understandable, but we're already in what, the sixth or seventh arc of the fiction with them always there?

4) Characters over plot: I think this is the crux of what is flawed in your writing, you're putting the plot at the top of everything. This may sound confusing, but while the plot is the most important thing in fiction, it can't be the priority. Characters should be above the plot, that is, when you write characters you should be more preoccupied with them than what they have to say about the plot. That's the problem your dialog has, with the exception of the Sesto scene, the off-panel sexy-time scene and Balance of Truth, the characters are either speaking plot, exposition or reacting to the plot. Only Claude and Robert seem to be immune to this.

5 & 6) Canon before appeal/Cop-outs are to be avoided: I'll roll these two into one: don't withhold basic information just because there's a plot twist down the road. Fuck the plot twists if the readers go "why?" at some plot points. Using the radium plot point, you just needed to explain the necessary minimum so people would go "oh!" and then when the plot twist would come in explaining it fully, people would go "OH!!!". You catch my drift? And this "necessary minimum" shouldn't be Claude's excuse of "I dunno" when the explanation for him surviving the Axis Mundi should happen but didn't. Is it really going to payoff later instead of when the need arose?

8) Cognizant writer is the best writer:

Because right now i'm doing an experiment. I write without having a plan, or looking back at the previous chapters. I want to see how much can i remember and how can i handle the various ideas that i have and make them work without constant checking of the previous chapters. Just based on memories and intuition.

DON'T DO IT. DON'T!!! Have a plan, look back at previous chapter, take notes of everything you do and why did you do it. Going by memory without a plan or reference is prone to a lot of mistakes.
My writings and ramblings:

Water of Ocean Darkest Chapters: 1 - 2
Weaver Chapters: 0 - 1 - 2 - 3

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