Check out these awesome one-liners by Steven Wright.....
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."