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View Poll Results: Who's AL is better?
Kishimoto's, you n00bz, he writes this manga 32 66.67%
Shrike's is better. 16 33.33%
Voters: 48. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 10-27-2007, 05:20 PM   #1
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Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

Okay, so I am one of those who are disappointed in Pain's character. When I complained, people yelled at me "Write it better!" and "You do the manga then!".
So I did. I wrote my own version of Akatsuki Leader. I wrote his goals, his character, his power and his relationship with other Akatsuki members. I couldn't change everything, naturally. His appearance is the same as his first body in the original manga is.

His name is Asteren es Tereleth (a made up name). Only a few people knew this real name though, and just called him A'er'es. He lived 543 years back from todays Naruto timeline.
A'er'es was born in the very first shinobi village - a village who had the Sage of the Six Paths as their teacher. The world was in war, and the Sage was more than a human. He wanted to test his "godly" powers and teach the ninjutsu to humans. He started off from one village and ended up creating 3 different villages. After some time, he disappeared without a trace.

-------------

Those villages liked the new teachings and saw themselves superior to other human beings, and this led to a war. That war was a war of pure conquer and pillage.
As they found themselves inferior to the new power, other countries started researching ninjutsu themselves. Firstly, only the nobles had the chance to learn skills in the Academy one of the 3 new villages started.

Years passed, and every country sealed itself from the inside, researching the ninjutsu and expanding their techniques. Soon, they all forgot that there is a world other than the countries they know.
The area became isolated, and became known as The Shinobi World. That world was separated into countries by their nobles - The Land of Fire with their Hidden Leaf Village; The Land of Wind with their Hidden Sand Village; The Land of Earth with their Hidden Rock Village; The Land of Lightning with their Hidden Cloud Village; The Land of Water with their Hidden Mist Village; The Land of Grass with their Hidden Grass Village; The Land of Rain with their Hidden Rain Village; The Land of the Waterfall with their Hidden Waterfall Village; The Land of the Whirlpool with their Hidden Whirlpool Village and a few more Lands with their hidden villages.

Newely developed countries - click the spoiler.




These people bred wars through their history. After so much time has passed, some people considered being in peace, and actually living normally. They have even forgotten their purpose and the reason they were fighting.
That is the situation of todays ninja world - many shinobi don't like war and killing, but they are still doing it because they grew up in such an environment. See Kakashi, Obito, Naruto, Sakura, and many other characters in this manga - they are not all ready to take someone's life easily.
Don't tell me my plot has holes because Shodai created Konoha - let's just say that Konoha was destroyed and rebuilt many times, and that Shodai managed to bring Konoha the glory it once had and brought peace for a while.

------------

Okay, so I explained the world stuff, time to get back to Akatsuki Leader, A'er'es.

Asteren was one of the very first shinobi ever. He was the genius of that time - he learned much faster than any other individual. For that, they despised him and praised him, from person to person. After a few years, 19 year old Asteren was way more skilled than anyone in his village, and he decided to start adventuring and test his mettle with other shinobi, whom he hoped will be more in the outworld of his village.
The lust for power and his arrogance led him to become an assassin, a merciless killer who was getting payed to kill. He took missions he wanted, and acted as he wanted. Many hated him for this and plotted against him.

One day, A'er'es came across the mystic mountain in his travels. He found the creature who was the link to all the summons there - a creature called The Shrike. It looked like this (click the spoiler)

As you probably noticed, the creature is very similar to the sealing statue.
This creature was brought to this world by the Sage of the Six Paths to serve as the medium for all the otherworld summons. The Shrike was imprisoned there, and it told A'er'es that he will gain more power than the Sage if he sealed The Shrike into himself, but to unlock his true power, the most powerful summons from the otherworld are needed - the creatures known as the Bijuu. If the Bijuu are all sealed in a special ritual, The Shrike will unlock its true power and become one with A'er'es.
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Old 10-27-2007, 05:21 PM   #2
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

Of course, the Sage did not want such a power released upon his newly created world, so he fought A’er’es to stop him. The Sage won, and sealed and cursed A’er’es along with The Shrike within himself.
This is the sealed A’er’es:


Yeah, he looks hideous. The Sage though he deserves this, and by cursing him to eternal life, he imprisoned him deep within the Land of Grass. Note that he can live forever, but can die form wounds normally.


After spending about 400 years imprisoned, A’er’es was discovered by an weird individual who presented himself as Zetsu. He proposed to unseal and free A’er’es for a price. A’er’es pleaded him to free him and told him to ask whatever he wants. Zetsu seemed to be cunning, powerful and unique shinobi. (I will not get into Zetsu’s character and I will not guess what he would ask for, since I don’t know his character, so I will let your imagination decide)
And so, A’er’es was freed. Slowly, he formed an organization with Zetsu, whom he named “Akatsuki”. He sought to bring new dawn to the shinobi world. (Now here would I input a story how A’er’es met Konan, whom I would name differently of course, but I won’t do it since I have no time to think about her now. She would pwn btw, and she would be from the cloud village).

A’er’es created 10 rings. He was instructed by the Shrike of how to make them. He felt that he needed to exact his revenge upon someone, and fast. His target was the Land of Whirlpool. He chose it randomly, and tried summoning a few Bijuus to crush the country, since he had a summoning medium sealed inside him.
It didn’t work well, since some of the Bijuus were already released upon the world and those who were summoned, he could not control. His powers were not as godly as he thought they would be. Sanbi, and a few other summoned Bijuus destroyed the Whirlpool however and started to roam freely.
A’er’es was disappointed. He then closed up himself, and started researching the era he was currently in. He found a wife, and got children. He calmly took the title of the Rain shinobi. Then, he slowly started making plans for this world, the world who forgot their purpose.
The purpose of the shinobi is to wage war, and he sought to bring the era of war once again. After calling Zetsu and Konan again, “Akatsuki” started looking for members. A’er’es explained his new members that “Akatsuki’s” goal was to have a monopoly on wars of the shinobi world. A’er’es lived for battle, but he was so arrogant, he wanted to prove himself superior to the whole world.

A’er’es is calm and collected person. He respects people who have an ambition, no matter how much it is different from his own. Asteren can act like a good father, husband, or a lover. But in the end, wars are his passion.
That is why he killed his whole family when he felt it was time for the final Bijuu to be collected, and he went after Naruto himself.

------------

The battle of A’er’es and Naruto would go totally different than some might expect.
If I was the one writing, A’er’es (Pain) would have made it sealing all the Bijuu, and gaining gold powers. Naruto would somehow survive this, or he would be resurrected by Tsunade giving up her life for him. Whatever works for you. I don’t have time to think now.

Naruto would not be able to defeat him alone. He would need the power of all his friends to do this. Remember, the beginning of this manga showed us that the real power comes from the team work.
Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi and Naruto would fight side by side against A’er’es until one side is eliminated.
I would not let AL fight Naruto and co. just like that, I would make him lead a war upon the whole world, and Naruto would be forced to stop him.

In the end, Naruto would create 10 000 KBs and fight the war himself(he wouldn’t fight every A’er’es’s shinobi, just those who were after Konoha;Gaara is there for his own country, and other for their own countries). And the real him would fight A’er’es along with Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi.

Although, I would make him die in the end >.>

*-*


So, did you like my AL?
Give me love, hugs and reps now

Last edited by Shrike; 10-27-2007 at 05:23 PM.
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Old 10-27-2007, 06:11 PM   #3
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

Hmm. 8/10
Nice story. Like how you stuck to the "God of War" AL that described AK's original goals. I do like your choice of Anima as the superbaddie. That guy was the shit. Zetsu is still (in my mind) overrated. Naruto waging an entire war by himself using only SKs? Thats an absolutely unimaginable amount of chakra and how does Naruto have that kind of chakra supply without his Kyuubi? (or didnt Naruto get his Kyuubi stolen?)

Good enough for a rep far as Im concerned.

P.S. A-Bomb Pain is an unimaginative lameass. Thats why I voted for yours.

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Old 10-27-2007, 08:06 PM   #4
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

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Originally Posted by d1v View Post
I do not like the part in which he kills his own family. I will think about it..still not sure what to vote for.
They were weak, he wants strong people to fight a war. Wussies=dead people. Family people=expandable.

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Hmm. 8/10
Nice story. Like how you stuck to the "God of War" AL that described AK's original goals. I do like your choice of Anima as the superbaddie. That guy was the shit. Zetsu is still (in my mind) overrated. Naruto waging an entire war by himself using only SKs? Thats an absolutely unimaginable amount of chakra and how does Naruto have that kind of chakra supply without his Kyuubi? (or didnt Naruto get his Kyuubi stolen?)

Good enough for a rep far as Im concerned.

P.S. A-Bomb Pain is an unimaginative lameass. Thats why I voted for yours.
Of course, I did not think of this much, I just imagined as I wrote. There are dozens of illogical stuff, I am sure.
It's enough that it took me almost an hour to write all this, let alone spending my spare time thinking about someone else's character and what he should have been like.
I do care about Naruto as a manga, and that's why I posted this.
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Old 10-27-2007, 06:12 PM   #5
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

I do not like the part in which he kills his own family. I will think about it..still not sure what to vote for.
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Old 10-27-2007, 10:43 PM   #6
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

Cool story but I still like kishi's better enough though it annoying. The part with Anima was the best to me, cause he's definitely godly in that game.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:49 PM   #7
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

The 1st time I read it I didnt like it, but I just took the time to really read it and Although I still prefer Kishi's version, only because he started it, I still like how the background on the shinobi world and how the countries locked themselves in and finally just staring going to war so it's bred in them. Something like pittbulls. I would like this to be the real way that the Sage of Six Paths actually created this shinobi world.

The other idea was a nice one too. An undefeatable, true genius led astray by the need and desire for more power, more kills, and stumbled across the Deomon whe needed all the buuji to give the AL more power than he could ever Imagine. A true killer who only desire is to have all the power in the world. This is what an AL should be. Maybe it is the 10th TAIL BEAST that needs the other nine to be released? I need for the statue to do more than just contain all of the beast or be used as a bomb. That's too easy. I like it. Id rep u if I could but I probably still cant.
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Old 10-28-2007, 08:57 PM   #8
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

How can Kishi's be better than Shrikes? Seriously. All Kishimoto has on Pein is that he has some legendary eyes, WHICH HE DOESN'T EVEN USE, he's a cocky bastard, and that he wants to destroy the world.
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Old 10-28-2007, 10:26 PM   #9
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

Shrike Shrike Shrike....my friend.......seriously......come on.

I dont even have to read it all to say that Kishimoto's is better. We know almost nothing about Pein and already you people dont like him. Well let me tell you, as a bad guy conosuire I can tell you right now that Pein or PAIN, is GOING to be one of the greatest naruto villains of all time. Just let this whole thing play out.

Yours is kinda like Pein anyway, with a bunch of random impossible things surrounding him lol.

On another note, your a great writer and I loved reading it. Good characterization and it flowed greatly. Do you RP?
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Old 10-29-2007, 06:05 AM   #10
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

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Originally Posted by MajinX View Post
lmao, like #1BG said, hardly anything about pain is revealed yet, not even 1/6 of his fighting powers, and even with what we see from jairaiyas flashbacks, this guy obviously went through ALOT and got alot stronger since he left jairaiya, i bet if kishi wanted, he coulda wrote a whole manga on the same pain we know as the main character.

ur character is not bad, a bit odd and random at times but not bad, im still waiting for more on kishis pain tho.
Ehm, you definitely misunderstood me.
I don't even care about Pain's powers. I am sure he will be the most powerful shinobi on the world - yeah, I am sure he is even more powerful than Madara is. While we are at his powers, I don't like introducing another Doujutsu, but that's not even why I complained.

I complained about his character. An orphan who wanted to protect his friends and who was trained by Jiraiya "grew up" to be an emo who is convinced that he grew up because he knows what true pain is, therefore calling himself Pain. Now, his plan is to make the whole world "grow up" by experiencing the same pain he did. And to do that, he needs a nuke (I will not even go through all that bullshit that the rings were actually nothing but sealing ritual medium, and that the whole sealing ritual actually puts all Bijuus in a mixer to make a nuke, I mean, wtf is that shit?).

You said he went through much, and that Kishi could write a story about Pain the same as he did for Naruto's pain. Yes, this is true, and that is exactly why I don't like Pain - he is a fucking Akatsuki Leader, Kakuzu was so much more better bad guy than he is. Kakuzu was evil, Pain is just emo.

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Shrike Shrike Shrike....my friend.......seriously......come on.

I dont even have to read it all to say that Kishimoto's is better. We know almost nothing about Pein and already you people dont like him. Well let me tell you, as a bad guy conosuire I can tell you right now that Pein or PAIN, is GOING to be one of the greatest naruto villains of all time. Just let this whole thing play out.

Yours is kinda like Pein anyway, with a bunch of random impossible things surrounding him lol.

On another note, your a great writer and I loved reading it. Good characterization and it flowed greatly. Do you RP?
Read what I told Majin.
He is called Pain, not Pein, which really annoys many people. I see you prefer calling him Pein yourself =)

Thanks for the compliment, but I didn't really put much effort in there, since I was thinking about it while I was writing. To be honest, I think I did a better job on explaining the whole shinobi world thing than AL. But still, I wanted AL who is bread for war. A person who hungers for power; who s arrogant, but still respectful; who wants to achieve nothing through everything.
NOT an emo who wants to nuke countries just to show them how they destroyed his little world.

I do RP, but I really had no time for it for almost a year now =)
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:44 PM   #11
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

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He is called Pain, not Pein, which really annoys many people. I see you prefer calling him Pein yourself =)
actually <.<....
Quote:
Pein - ペイン
Pain - パイン

Basically, it's Pein. If it was Pain, then it would be prounounced like "Pine". That doesn't sound Japanese to me, na-no-da. =P
of course anything can be BETTER and can improve...nothing is perfect...not even kishimoto...HOWEVER..i'd prefer kishimoto's...why? CAUSE IT IS HIS STORY...its the original, and originals are always better <.<....remakes and such just are never as good.

nothing against you, u have a good idea there, but i just prefer kishi's cause its his story, not yours.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:42 AM   #12
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

lmao, like #1BG said, hardly anything about pain is revealed yet, not even 1/6 of his fighting powers, and even with what we see from jairaiyas flashbacks, this guy obviously went through ALOT and got alot stronger since he left jairaiya, i bet if kishi wanted, he coulda wrote a whole manga on the same pain we know as the main character.

ur character is not bad, a bit odd and random at times but not bad, im still waiting for more on kishis pain tho.
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Old 10-29-2007, 10:49 AM   #13
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

How can we vote which is better when we don't have all the pieces of the puzzle? This version of the AL sucks by the way, I'm happy you're not writing the manga. Sorry
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:20 AM   #14
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

I thought a little bit about this and in the end I voted for Kishi. I still have hopes for Pain and Konan but to me it kinda seems that they are not really evil and become good later (maybe before they die) and Madara and Kabuchimaru will be shown as the really really evil chars in the Naruverse. But Shrike is right. WHEN Pain and Konan were made as evil chars and do not become good again then they are emo.

And the point with Kakuzu is absolutely perfect. He was really fearsome and Hidan this freak his jutsus were really nasty. Even Kisame´s rabidly eyes are more fearsome than Pain´s Rinnegan.
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Old 10-30-2007, 06:24 PM   #15
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Re: Akatsuki Leader ~ Shrike Style

i agree with Oakgyrl510 you can't beat an original but definitely some interesting thoughts there you have a decent story line obviously there are some flaws but considering you didn't exactly spend a couple of years on it not bad. kishi does have alot of things going on at the moment that people may not like but i have faith in the manga and pain i think kishi's manga will finish strong...
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