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Old 07-16-2008, 01:53 PM   #16
balmung5000
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Re: bals fanfic

chapter 33
Two weeks have passed and Marlboro and UT are leading a group of travelers. There are a total of seven members trudging through the rough winds. The interwebz is like a barren wasteland filled with sand and hills. The winds are harsh and could reach a speed of over 100 miles per hour, there are frequent tornados and sand storms as well. Traveling by foot is an arduous task and could lead to casualties. The members are dressed for the trip with slightly worn tunics, each carrying a backpack filled with supplies they would need for their travel. The hot sun is high in the sky beating down on the group causing the air to rise to extreme temperatures. Marlboro raises his hand to cover his face from a gust of wind and sand.
“Babe you should really wear some goggles to protect your eyes.” UT says very concerned.
“No way babe goggles are not very manly, I’ll take my changes. It reminds me of Russian roulette now that’s a real man’s game.” Marlboro says as he removes his hands from his face as the wind calms down.
A very sexy voice is heard in the background “Can we stop yet? We’ve been walking for almost 12 hours I’m hungry.”
Marlboro turns an looks at the girl almost completely covered in cloth except for her eyes “Alright I guess your right Lolita we can take a break, lets set up for a two hour break we can cook some food and then we continue traveling. If we keep at this pace reaching NL should only take about four days pending on the weather.”
Three other members help Marlboro set up a small tent big enough to fit all the members comfortably, they drive long poles deep into the sand and remove a huge tarp that was packed into one of the backpacks. “You know Tobi you could help us set up the tent instead of trying to make sand castles.” Purple calls out. Tobi attempts to make a tower out of sand but since there is no water to hold the sand up it continues to fall. EJ and Purple gather all the supplies necessary to cook a meal for everyone and begin to cook.
As the two hours comes to a close the group is beginning to pack up all their supplies. Marlboro gathers the group and begins to speak to them “From now on we will be heading West until sunset, when that comes we will quickly have to set up camp because in the area we are in during the night it gets cold enough to freeze anything with water in it. Since we are mostly made of water that means any part of your body exposed to the frigid air will instantly be frost bitten. So everyone has to be precise and follow my lead, when morning comes we will be able to continue the trip.”
As Marlboro finishes his sentence a huge gust of wind blows mounds of sand into the air hitting the group. Squinting his eyes Pride is barely able to see though the sand and sees on the horizon the tip of a tornado. The group shutters in fright and confusion, all but Marlboro are frantic trying to figure out a way to escape the tornado which could possibly hit where they are standing. “Calm down everyone tornados paths are always changing there is no guarantee that it will hit here we will have to wait it out for now but if it gets about half way here we will take precautions on surviving the tornado.” Marlboro commands to the group.
Patiently waiting staring at the tornado the group waits and watches, as it gets closer and closer they realize that it just may hit where they are standing. The tornado is massive being several miles tall and at least 2 miles wide. “Alright group everyone remove the rope in your bag and place the stakes deep into the sand. This should be enough to handle the harsh winds of the tornado, plus if we all huddle together low to the ground we may be able to let it just pass over us.” The group does exactly as Marlboro says and the tornado soon reaches the group, the wind is so strong it begins to pull the lightest member of the group, Lolita. Purple grabs her arm trying to keep her in the group but due to the sand scratching against his bare skin causing many cuts he looses his grip. Lolita’s body is flung into the air she is tied down only by the rope she tied around herself and placed into the ground. Purple tending to his bloody hand notices that the stake Lolita had put in is slowly coming out of the ground. With his other hand he removes the rope from his waist and extends his already cut hand for Lolita to grab. As she struggles to turn her body, which is floating in the air due to the strong air current, her stake becomes free from the sand. Immediately Purple lets go of his rope and jumps to grab Lolita, he catches her mid air and throws his arms around her entire upper body holding her tight to his chest. They are both thrown into the tornado to where the group can not see any reminisce of them.
Because of the loud wind blowing and the rough sand blowing the group is unable to communicate to each other but they all know what just happened was tragic. They wanted to help but due to the important mission they were given they are unable to lift a finger to them. The tornado is still a few feet away from them and the winds are getting stronger as it gets closer and closer. The edge of the tornado is only a few centimeters from Pride’s body but he still feels the sand beating against his tunic piercing through. The sand drives right through the thick cloth he is wearing and soon it engulfs his entire body sending small beads of sand shallowly into his skin just enough for it to hurt. The tornado soon covers the entire group as they all grind their teeth and grunt in order to deal with the pain they are enduring all over their body. What the group does not notice is the sand is so sharp it begins to cut through the ropes that are holding them into the ground. The ropes are only left with a few strings holding them down, suddenly there is a streak passing the group hitting Marlboro and UT as everyone’s rope breaks sending them into the tornado.
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:54 PM   #17
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Re: bals fanfic

side story chapter 1
The air is still and calm, there is a faint whistle heard from the steady breathing of three members. One member stands trapped between two others, each of their weapons are drawn. The middle member is an average height wearing loose fitting jeans, a tight black shirt, his hair is long and very messy it covers one of his eyes. The other two members seem to be very focused, the one on the right is wearing jeans and a rainbow colored t shirt, his gut pushes the shirt causing it to expose his belly button. The other member is wearing shorts that fall just below his knees his shirt is bright pink and his hair is short. Both surrounding members are holding their swords with both hands shaking, while the center member stands calm with his head looking at the ground and his scythe in one hand.
“You’re dead Balmung.” The fat member screams as he charges at the member standing in the center. His sword is lifted high in the air being held by both hands, not even moving his head Balmung lifts his scythe to counter attack. His blade flies right through the fat member’s biceps and through his neck. Balmung brings his blade back to his side, it is dripping red from the blood of the fat member. The member’s arms fall slowly to the ground along with his head, the blood is spewing from the stub of arms and neck that are still connected to his body. The blood pours over Balmung while he stands motionless and lets nothing move him. The other member stands shaking in fright unable to move due to the grotesque sight he has seen.
Balmung’s eyes slowly move and look at the frightened member, after s few seconds of staring directly into Balmung’s eyes the member starts to wet his pants and runs away. Balmung lifts his head up and moves the hair from his eye, with the mix of blood and hair it stays easily away from fall back.
Suddenly two new female moderators show up, one who is around five feet tall, her tight low cut jeans show the nice round curve of her ass perfectly, also her tight fitting shirt shows her abdomen slightly and is pulled tight around her C cup chest. The other girl is slightly bigger despite looking a lot younger, her jeans are lose fitting and her shirt is tight trying to show her A cup chest. “Stand down Balmung you will be banned for killing Ino11.” The big chested member says.
Balmung smirks back “Like hell I will Sugio, neither you nor Drunken Sea Monkey can stop me.” As Balmung finishes his sentence a giant explosion occurs in front of him, smoke is billowing up giving him enough camouflage to escape. Balmung turns and runs away from the two moderators, soon another member meets up with Balmung and they both run side by side with each other escaping the two females. The new member is tall around six feet and a few inches, his hair is short and messy, his face is stern and his beard is very masculine. The member is wearing a tight camo shirt and his pants are loose black cargo pants. “Looks like you needed my help after all Balmung” he says with a smile.
Balmung looks at the member and smiles back “Shut up Marlboro.”
The two members run and eventually find their destination, an underground base which has only a hand full of members. Most of the members are wounded and have seen many battles, there is one member who is there untouched. His hair is short and black and combed neatly, his clothes are pressed and not a speck of dirt on them. “You two are back, how was your fun Balmung?” he says with a smile.
Balmung wraps his arm around the man’s neck “Just great Ninja48 I finally got rid of that failsause Ino11 he won’t be bothering us anymore.”
Marlboro interjects as he lights up a cigarette “Yea but you needed my help to save your ass from the mods.”
Balmung smiles back “Minor details us leaders of FTP cant be stopped by some lowly mods of NL.”

chapter 2
The three leaders of FTP meet together and talk about their next mission. Ninja informs the two who were out on a mission of the latest battle they must fight, “I have some information our latest mission. It seems one of our own members has been banned due to some injustice. G had posted a picture of a graph that looked something like a pen0r and was taken and banned for it.”
Shocked Marlboro’s mouth opens wide and his cigarette falls out “Such fascist pigs.”
Balmung smiles “Looks like we gotta go up against that dumb admin Shino, I’m very excited.”
They then discuss the plan and gather the members available for a meeting. The meeting room is a large room with a large rectangular wooden table. There are many chairs for members to sit in but most are left empty, at the head of the table there is enough room to fit three chairs comfortably. The three founding members take their seats there, Balmung takes the center seat and Marlboro is at his right hand with Ninja to Balmung’s left. Most of the members sit close to the leaders, but a few seats are left open. The higher ranks sit close to the leaders while the newer ones sit further back. On the wall behind the leaders is a list of members with their picture and name, above the pictures is a banner titled “Black List”. Next to each member’s name is a bounty, for black listed members who are worse then others their bounty is higher.
Ninja walks over and rips down one of the pictures from the wall “This here is Seal Master, or as we like to call him Fail Master. He has reported a picture G had posted and this has resulted in a ban. We must take this failsauce down at all costs and then work on getting G back from his ban.”
The crowd roars loudly despite their apparent injuries, one member closer to the front screams out “Just leave this to the true spam king, Kites.” He is a tall black member around six feet, his hair is jet black, his clothes are bright and colorful and his sense of style is unmatched. “You know us nigs gotta stick together, to keep the man down.”
Ninja looks pleased as he nods his head and accepts Kites’ decision to go up against SM for the bounty. He takes a black permanent marker and crosses out the existing bounty of 150 rep points and changes it to 150,000 rep points. “G is a very crucial member and he is loved by all here. We not only consider him a member of FTP but most consider him a brother. So the bounty has been raised, please Kites do FTP proud and bring G back.”
Kites nods his head and walks out slowly, around his waist are four swords, two on each side. As he passes through the door to go out of the room another member is coming in, he rushes in and knocks into Kites. The rushing member soon falls to the ground and hits his head, “Sorry Kites my bad, I’m running a little late.”
Kites looks down and smiles as he helps the member up “Don’t worry about it BK I know the feeling.”
BK then enters and takes his seat next to the leaders, Balmung soon rises “Marlboro and I will take care of Shino, The trip to his Admin palace should take a few days since his obvious abuse of power had lead him to wealth and riches. Good luck to all and I’m sure you can handle things here Ninja with top rate members like BK, Kites, and Jaxon.”
Marlboro and Balmung grab a back pack each and walk out of the hideout, Balmung is wearing a large cloak that makes him invisible to normal members as long as he has it covering his entire body. As the two members reach to beginning of their journey they look up at the scenery, atop of a large mountain there resides a building too far away to be seen, the cliffs are steep and dangerous. There are many trees covering the flat land of the mountain, about half way up there is snow covering the ground. Marlboro says with a smile as he steps on his finished cigarette “This should be fun.”
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:55 PM   #18
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Re: bals fanfic

side story chapter 3
Kites walks slowly to an unsuspecting victim, Seal Master is a large member. He is very fat despite his height, his shirt is rainbow colored and he wearing thick coke bottle sized glasses. Seal Master is talking with Soy Sauce is for America, Soy Sauce sees Kites walking over and points him too SM. SM quickly turns and his face turns white as a ghost, his legs starts to shake as he can not move he is so scared. Suddenly a puddle begins to form around SM’s crotch and runs down his leg, Kites stops and points and laughs at SM pissing himself. Soy Sauce knows why Kites is here and begins to run away, but Kites is not here for him so he does not pay any attention.

Angered now SM regains his composure and runs at Kites with his sword high in the air, his sword is a thin sword that is made more for show then actual combat. As SM attempts to strike Kites his sword is sliced in half. Kites lifted one of his swords out of his sheath and throws it in the air slicing SM’s sword in half, while the sword is spinning high in the air Kites quickly brings out another one of his swords and throws it up into the air. This sword slices right through SM’s shoulder causing blood to pour out of his side, blood is also flying through the air from Kites’ sword spinning in the air.

With two blades left Kites lifts his third blade up and throws it up slicing the other arm off, now with three of his four swords spinning high in the air Kites has one sword left. He unsheathes it and stabs SM directly in the chest causing him to fall to his knees. The three blades spinning in the air now start their decent and pick up speed, Kites removes his sword from SM’s chest and SM falls to his knees like a dog. The three blades fly down hard and pierce SM’s body all at the same time. One goes through SM’s head and the other two pierce through his spine.

Blood is billowing out like a faucet from SM’s cut and sliced body, Kites gathers his blades and slices off SM’s head as proof of his victory. He places the bloody head and throws it in a bag so he can continue on the rest o his mission.

Kites begin to walk to the Bans & Warnings section of NL in order to free G from his captivity. Unfortunately this part of NL is heavily guarded by unnamed freelance soldiers who are not part o the forum activity. These members are well trained and have no fear of death this battle should be tough for Kites.

Hiding in a rear by forest Kites sees the entrance way to the Bans & Warnings section, it is a large steel double door guarded by three soldiers. The fence is a high 12 feet with thick barbwire and two inch spikes on top of the walls. A key pad is on the door with a finger print and retina scan, the person trying to enter must do all three in order to get into the area. Several cameras are also positioned around the door watching everything that goes on.

Thinking about how he would be able to enter the building he decides to survey the rest of the section. The fence covers a square area over 5 miles wide, and it takes Kites several hours to sketch a diagram of the entire base. Soon night fall will arrive and Kites decides to take a rest in the woods and try to come up with a few ideas on how he would get into the base without being detected.

Meanwhile Marlboro and Balmung have made it past the first day of their journey to the top of the mountain. They have only climbed about 25%, the “Lets take a rest here for the night this spot should be perfect.”

The two members stand firm on the soft grass stretching from the soil only a few inches, a calm sounding stream is heard only a few feet away. There are a few small rocks and enough trees to block the two from any type of harsh rain. Balmung and Marlboro first set up the tent, it is large enough to fit two people very comfortably. Then Balmung goes to gather wood to start a fire. While Marlboro walks to the stream to catch fish for dinner, the stream is moving at a slow speed and there are many different types of fish swimming around. Marlboro removes his shirt and shows his stunning upper body, the sweat from the long climb and exhausting day has collected on him glistening in the sunset. Balmung notices Marlboro fishing from the corner of his eye and stops to watch in awe.
Marlboro slowly steps into the stream making sure not to cause any commotion the water is a shallow two feet deep. The fish continue to swing quickly through the water as if nothing is different, Marlboro bends his torso forward with one hand a few centimeter above the water. His eyes focused staring directly into the moving water, a few small fish swim by but Marlboro does not flinch he is ready for a big catch. One large fish is headed in Marlboro’s direction and seconds before it is underneath his hand he thrusts it into the water. A small splash occurs but the fish is flailing around in Marlboro’s hand as he removes it from the stream and throws it into a bucket on the grass. Balmung quickly turns and looks away his face is flushed red, he never knew Marlboro could be so manly.
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Old 07-16-2008, 03:08 PM   #19
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Re: bals fanfic

side story chapter 4
Marlboro returns from fishing with a splendid catch while Balmung is kneeling starting the fire. Balmung continues to stare at the small flames as he begins to speak soft and slowly “I’ve never seen someone fish like that.”

Marlboro places the bucket of fish on the ground near the flames and touches Balmung’s shoulder and begins to rub it gently “I’ll teach you some time.”

Balmung quickly turns to see Marlboro looking directly into his eyes smiling gently. Balmung slowly gets up and puts a little distance between them while facing away from Marlboro he starts to speak but he suddenly feels a tight warm embrace around his chest. He turns to see Marlboro is hugging Balmung tightly, Balmung hugs back as Marlboro whispers in his ear “Let’s go spoon in the tent.”

Its morning at NL and Kites has finally decided how he will enter the Bans & Warning section, he ventures away from the base to a sewer cap on the ground. Kites is very knowledgeable on how to sneak around NL with out being caught. Kites jumps into the hole in the ground and places the sewer cap back so it looks like it was never moved, the circular tunnels are large enough for Kites to crawl around comfortably. There is a steady stream an inch wide and a few centimeters high flowing through the sewers. The smell alone would make anyone gag but Kites has come prepared with a cloth mask which he puts over his mouth.

After a few hours Kites arrives at an opening in the system, there is a tight cap in the ceiling. Kites would have to squeeze tightly through in order to get out into the base. He slowly lifts the cap and pokes his head out just enough to see where he has arrived. There are white walls and shower heads on them, it seems Kites has arrived in one of the showering rooms. One shower head a few yards away is on with steam billowing out, Kites slowly creeps over to the wall that is directly behind the turned on shower. The wall is there to separate the other section of showers and only is about 6 feet tall. There is an image of a person massaging their head. Kites turns the corner of the wall and is only a few feet away from this image, the person in the shower now begins to lets the water hit his face to clean the shampoo and soap from his face. After drying off his eyes with his hands he opens his eyes and sees Kites’ shadowy image coming closer to him. The man squints hard thinking the steam is playing tricks on him and begins to open his mouth to call out. As his lips pull apart and a faint sound of breath leaving his mouth Kites lifts one of his swords up and stabs the man in the throat. The blood drips down the sword and is washed off from the water spewing from the shower head. The man franticly tries to gasp for air and lifts his hands to try and pull the sword out of his throat. Kites shoves the blade in a little further and turns it sideways, the tip of the blade snaps the man’s neck and sends his limp body to the ground.
Kites allows the body to bleed out for several minutes while the running shower washes all the blood and evidence away. Kites then lifts the dead body up and heads over to the open locker and shoves the body in, inside the locker are the man’s clothes. It seems that this person was a new recruit to the group of soldiers that defend the base, Kites takes his clothes and disguises himself as the new recruit and locks his body in the locker. As Kites walks out into the long empty hallways of the base the radio on his belt goes off “Attention all soldiers on duty the prisoner G is attempting to escape. Everyone head to collar chamber immediately.” Kites smiles as sees someone running through the hallway and starts to follow him.
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Old 07-17-2008, 05:43 PM   #20
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Re: bals fanfic

side story chapter 5
A siren suddenly starts to blast as Kites closely follows the enemy soldier. Disguised as another soldier Kites pulls the ski mask covering his face slightly to let in some air. The soldier attire is a navy blue pair of pants with a matching long sleeve shirt. Kites is able to see a huge crowd of soldiers attempting to hold back one member. As he runs closer and closer to the crowd it seems to dwindle faster and faster as bodies fly through the air.

Kites shoves his way through the crowd and finds himself standing on the edge of a circle looking in to see G handcuffed with a collar around his neck fighting off any soldier that gets near him. Regardless if the enemy is armed or not G’s fighting skills are far above those who are attempting to hold him back. Kites smiles and takes a step into the empty circle, G not knowing that the soldier is Kites, charges at him.

Kites places his hand on the hilt of his sword and pulls it forward and hits G in the face. Knocked back slightly G is surprised at the soldier’s speed and says “Looks like you’re better then the rest of the n00bs here. I might have to actually try here.”

Kites’ eyes focus as he readies his sword “You’re better off just giving up now.”

G charges again but as Kites slashes at him G jumps into the air and comes down kicking Kites in the back of the head. As his head falls to the ground he is able to regain his footing and swings his sword around to G who is landing now on the ground. G blocks the attack with the handcuffs around his wrists, a small crack forms where the blade has hit. G looks at the soldier again and smiles as he pushes away the blade and attempts to finish the battle in one final attack. Kites’ arms are thrown high into the air as he has little time to guard himself from the charging G. Kites manages to gain control and a second before G is about to connect with his attack Kites slams the hilt of his blade into the back of G’s head knocking him unconscious.

The crowd of soldiers starts to cheer wildly and throwing insults at G, Kites who still has his blade out quickly screams “Anyone who has something to say about this prisoner must fight me first to see if they are worthy enough.” The crowd quickly goes silent and Kites puts his sword away and picks up G’s unconscious body. One soldier who carries the prison keys leads the way to G’s cell as the rest of the soldiers disburse and continue to go about their normal activities. Kites and the other soldier find themselves walking down a narrow long dark hallway with no visible doors or windows. Finally after about 50 yards down there is one single door to an almost empty room. The room is very small and dark only a chain which is open on one end and connected to the wall on the other is in the room. The soldier turns to Kites and says “You can put the prisoner in here.” Kites nods and they both walk into the room together, as Kites places G’s body on the ground he comes up and slashes the soldier’s throat killing him instantly. Kites quickly removes the guards mask and hangs him from the chain left in the room. Kites then kicks G’s body “Get up damn it, you could help get his clothes you know.”

G opens his eyes and smiles at Kites “So they send another nig to rescue a nig, typical crackers.” G puts on the clothes of the dead soldier and he and Kites lock the door to the cell and start to head for the exit. As the two exit the base through the front gates they hear on their radios “Report G has escaped.” Both Kites and G look at each other and quickly run for the near by woods in an attempt to hide from those who are searching for them.
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Old 07-18-2008, 04:11 PM   #21
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Re: bals fanfic

chapter 6
final chapter of FTP side story

The sun is slowly rising over the thick trees but one ray of light manages to break through the leaves and shine directly into Marlboro’s eyes. He slowly opens his eyes and sees Balmung cuddles up acting like a little spoon. Marlboro smiles and gives a light kiss to the top of Balmung’s head “You’re so cute when you’re sleeping my Little Spoon.”

Marlboro then stands up and notices that the two had slept outside under the stars in such a romantic fashion.

“Its morning already Big Spoon?” Balmung says staring at Marlboro who is standing wearing only his boxers.

Marlboro turns around to answer “Sorry did I wake you?”
Balmung rises to his feet and proceeds to get dressed “No I was up already I was just really comfortable being the little spoon, so that’s Shino’s mansion?”

The two stand silently staring at a huge mansion a few miles away at the very top of the mountain. Marlboro answers “Yes it is, are you ready to take that fascist down?”

Balmung nods and they both begin to pack up and finish their trip up the mountain. With only a few mile left they make it to the front gate within a couple of hours, there is a tall 8 foot gate surrounding the entire land. There is a lawn almost a mile long connecting the gate to the front door of the mansion. Security cameras and automatic guns disguised as lawn gnomes and bush art protect Shino from intruders. The two walk to the front gate and see an intercom button, Marlboro pushes the button “Shino Balmung and I would like to speak to you about G’s ban.”

The two stand and wait a few seconds before they hear a reply, the voice is raspy and muffled, it sounds like a smoker who can barely talk gargling water and shoving a sandwich down his throat, “You are interrupting my food time. Get out of here.”

Marlboro will not take no for an answer and rings again “What time is not your food time?”

After about a minute the two hear the voice speak again “I’m always eating and if I’m not eating I’m trying to pick up 13 year olds on the interwebz, so this means I have no time to speak to you two over some stupid ban, go away and let me eat.”

The two members look at each other and decide that talking to Shino is obviously getting nowhere “It looks like Shino wants to do this the hard way.”

Balmung smiles “My favorite.”

Balmung’s scythe appears in his hands and Marlboro has several throwing knives positioned in between his fingers. As the two are about to break down the gate a noise is suddenly hear coming from Marlboro’s waist “Marlboro, Balmung come in.”

It is Ninja48 contacting, Marlboro answer “Marlboro here what’s up man we are about to take on Shino.”

Ninja responds “Forget about Shino we can take his fat ass down any time come back now we have gotten G out and need to come up with a new battle plan.”

Both Marlboro and Balmung seem very disappointed but they do as Ninja requested and head back to the secret base.
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:06 PM   #22
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Re: bals fanfic

Thanks Man you did a good job
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Old 07-22-2008, 04:17 PM   #23
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Re: bals fanfic

i wrote more
but if you wanna read it
go to
www.mangalounge.com
since no one commented here
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Old 08-13-2008, 04:33 AM   #24
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Re: bals fanfic

Read the first two chapters; they were sweet. Would be great if you did an NL version... that way I'd recognise all of the characters XD
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:40 AM   #25
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Re: bals fanfic

i was planning on it
but in the fan fic
on ML i have a part
where everyone goes to NL
and fights there
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Old 08-13-2008, 05:59 PM   #26
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Re: bals fanfic

and ppl at ml are much cooler and shit ; )
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Old 08-13-2008, 09:10 PM   #27
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Re: bals fanfic

Quote:
Originally Posted by RasenganAcv2 View Post
and ppl at ml are much cooler and shit ; )
People on ML = people on NL. I think the people exclusive to NL > people that are exclusive to ML, however.
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Old 08-13-2008, 09:18 PM   #28
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Re: bals fanfic

the n00bs at nl are more annoying lol.

well as a site, ML > NL.

and anyways, to stay on topic.

Bal, the fanfic has been good so far, keep it up
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:13 PM   #29
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Re: bals fanfic

bal, i didn't even know this was here! i feels so ignorant!
i've been thinking about it recently, i'm so happy to see it ^_^
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Old 12-14-2009, 07:10 AM   #30
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bals fanfic

Hey Thalaw, it’s nice to have a new fanfic enter this area since it’s so rarely used. I won’t go super detailed with my thoughts, nor will I break it apart like an editor, and just give you my general opinion unless you want me to go more in depth later on.

I noticed you had quite a few grammatical errors going on especially with our dear friend, the comma. Besides that, there’s a few sentences in the story that gave me a bit of difficulty and I think they could use a bit of rewrite magic just to make it flow better.

Overall, I thought it was an interesting opening to a story that’s yet to come. You started with an event a lot of people can connect with crowded areas and robberies and I think that’s a good way to establish an initial connection with the audience. Now, if only I knew his name :P
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