Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!! - Page 90 - Fandom Forums
Fandom Forums



Go Back   Fandom Forums > Anime & Manga > Naruto Series > Naruto Manga

Naruto Manga Talk about the manga series Naruto here! Remember, this is manga only. No anime!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-27-2012, 06:25 AM   #1336
luffyus
Academy Student
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 22
Thanks: 53
Thanked 13 Times in 5 Posts
luffyus is an unknown quantity at this point
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

@Vishnu the thing that bothers me is the fact that u continue to call it fanfiction, it is not anymore a fanfiction : CHECK this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_fiction and you'll see that i'm right and if u and the other guy who like to add his false critics to every prediction/fanfiction still gonna say that i'm wrong then you are hopeless.


Anyway , u should check before insulting a person. you're good at writing but if you would make use of the technical elements of this genre you would get your writings epic.
luffyus is offline   Reply With Quote


Old 11-27-2012, 09:30 AM   #1337
Vishnu
Hunter-Nin
 
Vishnu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romania
Posts: 1,328
Thanks: 1,857
Thanked 2,172 Times in 789 Posts
Vishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enough
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by luffyus View Post
@Vishnu the thing that bothers me is the fact that u continue to call it fanfiction, it is not anymore a fanfiction : CHECK this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_fiction and you'll see that i'm right and if u and the other guy who like to add his false critics to every prediction/fanfiction still gonna say that i'm wrong then you are hopeless.


Anyway , u should check before insulting a person. you're good at writing but if you would make use of the technical elements of this genre you would get your writings epic.
And i said that you are right. It's not a fanfic. So what? Call it how you want, please. Short story, novel, essay. I don't mind. That's not the issue. And i would be hopeless because of...? I called you an idiot, because you keep coming back with the same thing: it's not a fanfic. In my opinion, that it's an useless comment. You have nothing to say about the story? Share with me your critics towards the story not about the title that it has received. I told you: if you have any valid criticism please, post it. I would enjoy seeing stuff like:" I think that you did wrong there, BECAUSE.........( fill in the dots ). " But if you come here and say what the fuck i don't like that you're using historical character, of course that i will insult you because all that i can see it's either a troll, or an idiot. Admit that you were wrong too. Anyway, let's put it all behind. Thank you for reading my work and i expect criticism from you. It would help me a lot.
__________________
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!

Quote:
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?
Check out the new fanfiction bloghttp://celestcity.blogspot.com

Last edited by Vishnu; 11-27-2012 at 09:31 AM.
Vishnu is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Vishnu For This Useful Post:
Numinous (11-27-2012)
Old 11-27-2012, 09:45 AM   #1338
Numinous
Writing speed: snail
 
Numinous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Porto, Portugal
Posts: 4,783
Thanks: 8,386
Thanked 11,563 Times in 3,932 Posts
Numinous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of light
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KiddJutsu View Post
Num - yet another instance where I believe you or somebody not directly involved in something. Granted I did the same but I was just short fused about the silly ass comment I read a responded.
Quote:
Bottom line, didn't wanna read that nonsense from a guy who literally was here 5min asking dumb sh*t to the highest order. Too strong a response maybe, valid.
Then recollect your thoughts to avoid losing your temper. You could still snap him a good one, but state why he's wrong in the first place.

Quote:
Now in regards to your comments on me, sounds like another dose of bullsh*t. For starters if you read anything I've posted to this forum about his fanfic I include questions, give my commentary, offer my opinion on similarities from strong mangas, and tell him good job. Not sure why you always referenced male genitalia but hey it is what it is. And why are you so concerned what I do in regards to others stories? Still haven't figured that out yet but whatever.
Quote:
You feeling the need to mention me with obvious inaccuracies, ridiculous and above all unnecessary.
Ugh. /facepalm

I don't call you an yes-man for nothing. Trust me, I spent an whole year with what I'd realize later was a yes-man, so I know the kind very well. I know you give commentaries and pose questions, but you seem incapable of constructive criticism. I may have overlooked a comment or two, but I've never seen you say "I think X was done wrong/could be done better if Y was done" or something similar and your questions are legitimate doubts. In other words, your posts could be reduced to "I like it", "why/how?" and "moar".

I'm not saying you have to stop giving positive feedback, but you need to balance it out. Don't be afraid of denoting flaws or deficits in the writing, nobody's perfect and is by knowing where those flaws/deficits are that the writer will overcome them. That's why I butted in on this nonsensical fling of argument, because neither of you were either making sense or helping anyone in the least.

Quote:
Hell I've about your story before but you've put nothing up about. It seemed to be something. So how about putting the focus there so somebody can post something stupid about it too. Thought I'd gotten passed this sh*t from a couple of you folks who deem it necessary to butt-in with that level of flagrantness. Hopefully this sh*t is done.
You might to cover your eyes for what I'm about to say if you think saying things like what they are is "flagrantness": you wasted a good opportunity to stay quiet.
  • First of all, I put 2 chapters of my stories, so that comment on "you've put nothing" was misguided at best.
  • Second of all, maybe if you thought about what is required to write a chapter, you'd think that maybe I don't have the time or that I'm in a writer's block or any other reason instead of rubbing it in with salt like a complete jackass.
  • Third and lastly, you seem to have a really short memory because you'd know how futile your whole exercise was considering you didn't even bothered to comment the second chapter where the things you were uncertain off in your comment of the first were addressed. I mean, how are you asking for a chapter (in a douchy way, but nonetheless) if you didn't even bother to tell me how the previous was? All you did was a "MOAR" comment on Vishnu when he commented he'd post the next chapter after I posted my chapters.
Sorry, but I'm not Vishnu, so don't expect me to write at his pace or take comments as he does. What I want is feedback for my writings and what I want from it isn't compliments, is criticism. And by experience I say it to every writer here that yes-men are the worst thing to go by, so if you really want to help Vishnu or anyone else, Kiddjutsu, think, for every thing you like, of something else you dislike or should be improved. I don't think you know how awesome of a reader you'd become by doing that.



@luffyus: stop, just stop. If you want to criticize, actually say something that isn't outright debunked by reading the simplest of lines.
__________________
My writings and ramblings:

Water of Ocean Darkest Chapters: 1 - 2
Weaver Chapters: 0 - 1 - 2 - 3








Last edited by Numinous; 11-27-2012 at 09:47 AM.
Numinous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-27-2012, 10:24 AM   #1339
jekyl_hyde
Hunter-Nin
 
jekyl_hyde's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,362
Thanks: 763
Thanked 1,248 Times in 521 Posts
jekyl_hyde is on a distinguished roadjekyl_hyde is on a distinguished road
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by luffyus View Post
@Vishnu the thing that bothers me is the fact that u continue to call it fanfiction, it is not anymore a fanfiction : CHECK this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_fiction and you'll see that i'm right and if u and the other guy who like to add his false critics to every prediction/fanfiction still gonna say that i'm wrong then you are hopeless.


Anyway , u should check before insulting a person. you're good at writing but if you would make use of the technical elements of this genre you would get your writings epic.
You sound like that Aman Shahur guy, only you can spell (which is a plus by the way).
jekyl_hyde is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jekyl_hyde For This Useful Post:
Narut0360 (12-03-2012), Numinous (11-27-2012), Vishnu (11-27-2012)
Old 11-27-2012, 01:48 PM   #1340
Vishnu
Hunter-Nin
 
Vishnu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romania
Posts: 1,328
Thanks: 1,857
Thanked 2,172 Times in 789 Posts
Vishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enough
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Guys, it's all water under the bridge now. Luffyus made a mistake, I made one, it doesn't matter anymore. Let it slip.
__________________
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!

Quote:
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?
Check out the new fanfiction bloghttp://celestcity.blogspot.com
Vishnu is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Vishnu For This Useful Post:
Numinous (11-27-2012)
Old 11-27-2012, 03:27 PM   #1341
KiddJutsu
Sannin
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 245
Thanks: 468
Thanked 195 Times in 141 Posts
KiddJutsu is an unknown quantity at this point
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vishnu View Post
Guys, it's all water under the bridge now. Luffyus made a mistake, I made one, it doesn't matter anymore. Let it slip.
My last on this would be this, because I don't write anything myself I tend to only worry about the stuff that appeals to me. So if I comment on a story Num/Vishnu/J_H/Jericho/N360 with a question or give props about the story it's because I dig what's been written. Telling people who do write what
isn't right or is stupid from somebody who doesn't write seems like the crappiest sh*t to do. And since I'd go ballistic if it were done to me then I just won't read a bad story or question certain things in those I do like. There are a boatload of predictions that I say jack about because they suck but since I don't write I let them be and allow those who do to trash them. The fanfic folks I read understand how I approach what they post. My questions surround what I like, what I don't understand, and if they considered a different slant to their approach. And I agree that Vishnu is different then most. He always asks me to tell him what I think, and I do. We see things unfolding in a similar manner so I ask about his ideas, recommend things, and give props. So if you suck you don't hear from me. And you wanna know how shitty it was I may have to be asked personally for me to tell you since it takes effort even on shitty stuff to get it written out to post and I try at least to acknowledge the crap effort but not posting negatively. Now others who write have at it.

Now, as for the story you wrote, I recall telling you directly that I liked how the story was framed but needed more posted to understand what da hell was goin on since it was so original and did t derive from a previous manga like Naruto or a spinoff from another fanfic like Vishnu did his. Now, on to better things.
__________________
Two fingas like a playa!!
KiddJutsu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-27-2012, 04:24 PM   #1342
Vishnu
Hunter-Nin
 
Vishnu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romania
Posts: 1,328
Thanks: 1,857
Thanked 2,172 Times in 789 Posts
Vishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enough
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Ok, so the final comment on the matter. Num, you're wrong. Kiddjutsu is not a yes-man. Frequently he gave me ideas to improve both on the plot/characters and the writing style. Also, he helped me a lot by asking several good questions between chapters, that helped me reconsider the plot and learn to be more organized so i would avoid any major plotholes or mistakes. I appreciate his opinion, because everytime i read another POV on the plot, it gaves me ideas for the next chapters. Many times before, i didn't knew what to write in the upcoming chapter, and i was lucky to have Kiddjutsu and others like him because by simply asking me questions about it, helped me a lot because it made me realise the opportunites that i have created in the story and i have might missed. I don't want his opinion because i'm starving for compliments, but because he often inspires me to devise new designs for my story.
__________________
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!

Quote:
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?
Check out the new fanfiction bloghttp://celestcity.blogspot.com
Vishnu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-27-2012, 06:52 PM   #1343
Numinous
Writing speed: snail
 
Numinous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Porto, Portugal
Posts: 4,783
Thanks: 8,386
Thanked 11,563 Times in 3,932 Posts
Numinous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of light
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Since I had today the time to read Vishnu's fiction thoughrouly, I'll comment on points by chapter (feel free to answer by point if you deem it relevant). Unfortunately, I only could read half of it, the other half I must leave to tomorrow since I have another wide interval to do so.

Chapter I:
  1. What's the etymology for "Arinasa" and "Asclose"? I'm kind of an etymological freak, so not knowing where those names come from distracts me a little.
  2. When I was reading the amphitheater scene, I was thinking to myself "why don't the hundred-and-so other students flee through the backdoor?", but then I realized that not all amphitheaters in Europe have two doors like we have here. That said, I understand why they didn't flee, since they were trapped, but you should make sure that the door the robed guys walked in was the only door to explain why the students weren't behaving as they'd normally would (in this case, to flee from the amphitheater).
  3. A suggestion: could you put the names of the character's lines in bold? Makes it easier on the readers' eyes to separate dialog from action.
  4. I liked the two meta twists you did with Vishnu. The first being naming him Claude, which means "lame", and the second being Vishnu killing Jaganath, considered an avatar of Vishnu.
A thrilling introduction, to say the least.

Chapter II:
  1. Sorry if this was already discussed, but what's the deal with the asterisks without footnotes? Am I missing something?
  2. I think you dropped the ball in the amphitheater scene since you seem to have forgotten about the hundred-and-so students. You have all the killings, talk about Gods and magic being tossed and not a single reaction coming out of them? You could've simply made them exit the room as soon as Asclose and co. left the scene.
  3. The line "And you're part of it, love" threw me off a bit. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but normally I'd pose them as lovers before throwing the "love" adjective. I thought they were friends until that point.
  4. Another question on etymology about Sciffer. The closest I find is Old English Skiffer ("fisherman") but I'm not seeing how that equates to lightning.
  5. The tension progression between Claude killing Arthur and the Sesto scene could be better handled, but the hilarious payoff pretty much covers it. Bitchin'!
  6. Just a comparison between our writing styles: I too wrote a drive scene in Paris (Waters of Ocean Darkest, Chapter II), but mine was 20 km long and I spent almost a 1000 words on that scene alone, describing pretty much everything of note in that drive. You make a 1240 km drive and spend fewer than 300 words on it. By Cthulhu, if it was me, I'd probably spend an whole chapter on the Vienna-Paris drive alone.
A decent transitional chapter, considering your style. As I said, I'd do it differently, since I'm more about detail and progression rather than driving the plot home, but hey, that's me.

Chapter III:
  1. Darn my rich knowledge, when I read "Sigmund" and "Grigori" I thought of the Völsung saga's Sigmund and the Grigori angels. You could see my disappointment when it was Freud and Rasputin (specially the latter one, poor guy didn't deserve the bad reputation he got).
  2. Etymology question again, now for Aerhis, Duodenae and Ëaren. Although I know what they mean in standard etymology ("Aerial", "of 12 parts" and "Wanderer"), they don't exactly match their properties.
  3. Arinasa's reaction dangerously tips into the nonchalant field. More skepticism would do wonders in her dialog.
  4. You should have written more tension between Claude and co. and Freud & Rasputin. One thing is to have antagonism between people who have to put up with each other, but this isn't seemingly the case, since it was implied they don't interact that often.
  5. Why does Radium hurt gods and not any other element?
  6. ZOMG, the reference pool is through the roof! Making shout outs for FMA and Hunchback of Notre Dame, are we?!
  7. Another meta twist here. Yama is supposed to be subordinate to Vishnu in Hinduism, nice.
  8. You wasted a good reference with Fulgur if you named it Vajra instead.
Unlike what Kiddjutsu said at the time, this chapter does not need more action at all. The action and plot advancement are on the spot (and reminds me of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter) and very enjoyable, but dialog and scenery description need work.

Chapter IV:
  1. Nitpicking here, Sciffer's releases should be Tertius, Secundus and Primus/Tertia, Secunda and Prima or Tertium, Secundum and Primum, or else you have a Latin word salad there.
  2. Etymology nagging again, now for Deiphyna. I get the "dei" particle, but not the "phyna" part.
  3. Another Latin nitpick, it should be "De sacrificium me vestrum" if you intent was for "Of sacrifice I cover myself".
  4. Vishnu, why u no consistent with Latin? It’s either Magna Adtonita or Magnus Adtonitus!
  5. As much as the nomenclature is non-conventional, naming a slave Egyptian from 5200 years ago “Robert” is really pushing the Suspension of Disbelief a tad too much.
A good transitive chapter with a good flashback to give it a pinch of action. And work your Latin if you want to use it!

Chapter V:
  1. Dorian Gray seems oddly placed here, although you do have a mythical bunch of characters.
  2. Nooooo, Tesla! Don’t be a villain! I thought you were cool!
  3. The scene with Henry recapitulating what Aerhis/Duodenae/Ëaren are was unnecessary as it added pretty much nothing to the plot
  4. Your Italian is quite good. Props on that.
  5. Just a clarification, Castel Sant’Angelo isn’t in the Vatican, is in Rome. The Swiss Guard can’t be there without permission of Rome’s Police. The only part the Swiss Guard can guard of the castle it’s the underground passage that leads to the Vatican.
  6. Another clarification, the Buddha wasn’t fat. Quite the contrary, he was thin and starved himself many times.
Overall great action, but you could expand on the villains a bit more.

Chapter VI:
  1. Another nitpick on the Latin, it should be “Plures ardentes petrae cadunt”.
  2. You must hate me by this point, but the correct Latin is “Orta Terra”.
  3. Iridium isn’t the rarest metal on Earth, that title belongs to Technetium, which is so unstable it’s almost a miracle to find outside of radioactive decay of heavier metals. But Iridium is still a very rare metal and the second stiffest of them all (right behind Osmium).
  4. Loved the scene with Athena, quite fitting for the goddess of law and justice.
  5. The Dark General scene could be much better if the difference between him and Claude was more pronounced. In that tidbit, it almost seems like the difference is cosmetic at best.
Another great action chapter and I dare say the best yet. I was going to say something about the overall writing, but I feel I should leave that for tomorrow.

@Vishnu and Kiddjutsu: maybe it's my English that is failing me, but I'm not saying that Kiddjutsu's posts are completely worthless or that he doesn't help the writers. The thing is, and Kiddjutsu admitted it right away, is that he doesn't criticize the works when that's the best kind of commentary that a writer can possibly have. That's an yes-man in my book.

Kiddjutsu, you don't need to be a writer to notice where something is wrong or when something isn't satisfying you as a reader, so again I say, don't be afraid to point out the flaws when they're there. Right above I noted Vishnu's clunky Latin but that doesn't suddenly makes his work sucky, by the contrary, it's very enjoyable in a crazy way, only he needs to improve the Latin he uses. THAT is what I'd love to see you employ in your commentaries. Saying what you like is nice, but isn't as fully constructive as criticism is. And many times, saying to the writer what he did was sucky (if it indeed is, of course) may be harsh, but it's a good wake up call for him to awake and realize he needs to improve a lot.

To specific quotes:
Quote:
Now, as for the story you wrote, I recall telling you directly that I liked how the story was framed but needed more posted to understand what da hell was goin on since it was so original and did t derive from a previous manga like Naruto or a spinoff from another fanfic like Vishnu did his. Now, on to better things.
Yes, but you said you didn't understand how the powers worked. In the second chapter I explain the powers. That's what I meant by you not commenting on the second chapter when things you asked for are there. So I ask you: do you understand or do you want it to be further explained?

Quote:
I don't want his opinion because i'm starving for compliments, but because he often inspires me to devise new designs for my story.
And I didn't say that, Vishnu, only that positive-only commentaries can ruin a writer. See Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, they're each other's yes-men and look how they completely butchered a good ol' vampire fiction. I'm not saying that is happening to you, but better be safe than sorry.
__________________
My writings and ramblings:

Water of Ocean Darkest Chapters: 1 - 2
Weaver Chapters: 0 - 1 - 2 - 3








Last edited by Numinous; 11-27-2012 at 07:14 PM.
Numinous is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Numinous For This Useful Post:
Vishnu (11-28-2012)
Old 11-28-2012, 01:58 AM   #1344
Vishnu
Hunter-Nin
 
Vishnu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romania
Posts: 1,328
Thanks: 1,857
Thanked 2,172 Times in 789 Posts
Vishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enough
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Num, currently i am the University so i don't have time now to answer everything. But i want to say this: thank you very much for this. I really appreciate it. I know that it took lots of your time to read an analyse everything and i'm glad that you did it. Your objective criticism will help me improve. When i get home, i will do my best to answer every question that you posted. Thank you again for everything.
__________________
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!

Quote:
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?
Check out the new fanfiction bloghttp://celestcity.blogspot.com
Vishnu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-28-2012, 02:41 PM   #1345
Vishnu
Hunter-Nin
 
Vishnu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romania
Posts: 1,328
Thanks: 1,857
Thanked 2,172 Times in 789 Posts
Vishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enough
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

My god, Num. Thank you very much for this. And i mean it. It's been a long time since i had so many questions to answer at once. I will do my best to answer to everything. But first i want to explain something: there are several parts in the plot that don't make sense. Now. Because some paragraphs there will receive a meaning in the future. Some paragraphs there are the foundation for the several twists of the plot. I'm sorry for that, but it's my writing style.*

Chapter I:
What's the etymology for "Arinasa" and "Asclose"? I'm kind of an etymological freak, so not knowing where those names come from distracts me a little.

It doesn't have an etymology. It's a made up name. For Arinasa's character, i wanted an unique name, something that was never used before.*

When I was reading the amphitheater scene, I was thinking to myself "why don't the hundred-and-so other students flee through the backdoor?", but then I realized that not all amphitheaters in Europe have two doors like we have here. That said, I understand why they didn't flee, since they were trapped, but you should make sure that the door the robed guys walked in was the only door to explain why the students weren't behaving as they'd normally would (in this case, to flee from the amphitheater).

Yeah, i recall that mistake. I missed that part, and you're right. I have to be more careful about this kind of details.

A suggestion: could you put the names of the character's lines in bold? Makes it easier on the readers' eyes to separate dialog from action.

It's a valid suggestion and i will do it.*

I liked the two meta twists you did with Vishnu. The first being naming him Claude, which means "lame", and the second being Vishnu killing Jaganath, considered an avatar of Vishnu.

It's interesting that you have noticed this. It's a very subtle analogy that i have made there.*

Chapter II:
Sorry if this was already discussed, but what's the deal with the asterisks without footnotes? Am I missing something?

No you're not missing anything. My tablet adds them when i'm writing, and i don't know why. I tried to discover the source but i failed. Just ignore them.

I think you dropped the ball in the amphitheater scene since you seem to have forgotten about the hundred-and-so students. You have all the killings, talk about Gods and magic being tossed and not a single reaction coming out of them? You could've simply made them exit the room as soon as Asclose and co. left the scene.

Again, i made a mistake forgetting about the students.

The line "And you're part of it, love" threw me off a bit. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but normally I'd pose them as lovers before throwing the "love" adjective. I thought they were friends until that point.

I think that you have noticed in the next chapters. It's just Claude's manner of speaking.*

Another question on etymology about Sciffer. The closest I find is Old English Skiffer ("fisherman") but I'm not seeing how that equates to lightning.

Sciffer, it's a name that has a personal meaning for me. If you want i can send you a PM about it, because i don't feel like sharing this with everyone.

The tension progression between Claude killing Arthur and the Sesto scene could be better handled, but the hilarious payoff pretty much covers it. Bitchin'!

I am aware about the tension there, but i didn't wanted at that point to apply to much of it, because the overall effect would have been interpreted as rushing the action.

Just a comparison between our writing styles: I too wrote a drive scene in Paris (Waters of Ocean Darkest, Chapter II), but mine was 20 km long and I spent almost a 1000 words on that scene alone, describing pretty much everything of note in that drive. You make a 1240 km drive and spend fewer than 300 words on it. By Cthulhu, if it was me, I'd probably spend an whole chapter on the Vienna-Paris drive alone.

I thought about having a conversation in the car, but i chose a different scenery. Because the idea of adding Leonardo to the discussion popped out.

Chapter III:
Darn my rich knowledge, when I read "Sigmund" and "Grigori" I thought of the Völsung saga's Sigmund and the Grigori angels. You could see my disappointment when it was Freud and Rasputin (specially the latter one, poor guy didn't deserve the bad reputation he got).

He didn't but he received that reputation though. And the Grigori angels would have been an interesting choice, too bad that i didn't thought about it.

Etymology question again, now for Aerhis, Duodenae and Ëaren. Although I know what they mean in standard etymology ("Aerial", "of 12 parts" and "Wanderer"), they don't exactly match their properties.

Again, made up names.*

Arinasa's reaction dangerously tips into the nonchalant field. More skepticism would do wonders in her dialog.

And this is what i was saying about. Her reactions are part of the plot. She is too nonchalant as you say. Unfortunately i cannot reveal much more at this point.

You should have written more tension between Claude and co. and Freud & Rasputin. One thing is to have antagonism between people who have to put up with each other, but this isn't seemingly the case, since it was implied they don't interact that often.

Claude doesn't think of them as appropiate adversaries.

Why does Radium hurt gods and not any other element?

That will be explained soon enough.

Another meta twist here. Yama is supposed to be subordinate to Vishnu in Hinduism, nice.
You wasted a good reference with Fulgur if you named it Vajra instead.

I see what you mean with Vajra. But i chosed latin, instead of chinese or japanese.


Chapter IV:
Nitpicking here, Sciffer's releases should be Tertius, Secundus and Primus/Tertia, Secunda and Prima or Tertium, Secundum and Primum, or else you have a Latin word salad there.

Unfortunately i don't speak latin. And i researched on the internet. I know that it's not a good choice there, but to me Tertia, Secundo and Primum sounded much better.

Etymology nagging again, now for Deiphyna. I get the "dei" particle, but not the "phyna" part.

Again a made up name.

Another Latin nitpick, it should be "De sacrificium me vestrum" if you intent was for "Of sacrifice I cover myself".
Vishnu, why u no consistent with Latin? It’s either Magna Adtonita or Magnus Adtonitus!
As much as the nomenclature is non-conventional, naming a slave Egyptian from 5200 years ago “Robert” is really pushing the Suspension of Disbelief a tad too much.
A good transitive chapter with a good flashback to give it a pinch of action. And work your Latin if you want to use it!

I know. I really have to improve my Latin. And, if i had a different setup planned for Robert, but i lacked the necessary time to persist on that. Either way, i will make up for using the name with dedicating an entire chapter to his history pretty soon.

Chapter V:
Dorian Gray seems oddly placed here, although you do have a mythical bunch of characters.

I needed to give Mozart an opponent.

The scene with Henry recapitulating what Aerhis/Duodenae/Ëaren are was unnecessary as it added pretty much nothing to the plot

I recapitulated that for the reader so they wouldn't have to go back several pages behind if they had forgot.

Your Italian is quite good. Props on that.

Thank you.

Just a clarification, Castel Sant’Angelo isn’t in the Vatican, is in Rome. The Swiss Guard can’t be there without permission of Rome’s Police. The only part the Swiss Guard can guard of the castle it’s the underground passage that leads to the Vatican.

Castel Sant'Angelo is a three minutes walk away from Vatican. And i used the connection with the passage. And i know about the Swiss guard but that's not necessary a mistake, since i didn't mention if they have the permission of not.

Another clarification, the Buddha wasn’t fat. Quite the contrary, he was thin and starved himself many times.

I know. It's just for the effect of the story. Again, this is one of the things that will play a part in the future of the plot.

Chapter VI:

Iridium isn’t the rarest metal on Earth, that title belongs to Technetium, which is so unstable it’s almost a miracle to find outside of radioactive decay of heavier metals. But Iridium is still a very rare metal and the second stiffest of them all (right behind Osmium).

Something new. I had no knowledge of thr Technetium. I will research on that. Thank you.

Loved the scene with Athena, quite fitting for the goddess of law and justice.

Yeah, i thought of devising a power fitting to her status.

The Dark General scene could be much better if the difference between him and Claude was more pronounced. In that tidbit, it almost seems like the difference is cosmetic at best.
Another great action chapter and I dare say the best yet. I was going to say something about the overall writing, but I feel I should leave that for tomorrow.

The cosmetic difference it's because i only showed a tidbit as you say. The next chapters will show why he was feared, and his different personality. Also, the very next chapter will show why does he exists inside Vishnu.

Thank you for your observations Num, it was really helpful. As i said: i really appreciate that you wasted your time on this. I hope that i answered everything and please, if you have again time in the future, analyze again my work. It helps me find flaws and evolve. Because right now i'm doing an experiment. I write without having a plan, or looking back at the previous chapters. I want to see how much can i remember and how can i handle the various ideas that i have and make them work without constant checking of the previous chapters. Just based on memories and intuition. Anyway...Thank you again!
__________________
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!

Quote:
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?
Check out the new fanfiction bloghttp://celestcity.blogspot.com
Vishnu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-30-2012, 07:16 PM   #1346
Numinous
Writing speed: snail
 
Numinous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Porto, Portugal
Posts: 4,783
Thanks: 8,386
Thanked 11,563 Times in 3,932 Posts
Numinous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of lightNuminous is a glorious beacon of light
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Continuing my commentary...

Chapter VII:
  • Oh, you tease, throwing an off-screen sex scene!
  • One more Latin nitpick, it'd be Centum Gladii
  • I don't know if that was your intent or not, by Refringo means "I break", which is kind of odd considering the rest of the nomenclature
  • Axis Mundi is the villains' version of Deus ex Machina. Cheating bastard, the whole lot!
  • Claude ain't dead, you kind of spoiled your twist there in the comments of previous chapters.
  • Why did they go to Bucharest to hail Claude's funeral? Until that point nothing was connecting the country to Claude.
The third of the action-packed chapters but not as satisfying as the previous. Felt kind of rushed.

Act II, Chapter I:
  • Latin nitpick #364534548723: Sphaera Interit
  • Flamel is a nice guy, allowing Max to pick up the phone.
  • The Darwin shot scene was good
  • All that was missing from Michael abducting Arinasa was a "yoink!" line
A decent set up chapter that hints for a thrilling volume.

Chapter II:
  • Why are the minds of the immortals sealed to Michael's telepathic reading and Ëaren minds not? And it's Claude!
  • Err... is Portas Aperite.
  • So becoming an Ëaren is pretty much the reverse of acquiring the MS. Nice touch.
  • Poor Athena, relinquished to a now outdated ability.
  • C'mon, Vishnu, the twist of Claude coming at Celest City was obvious!
  • So Claude declares himself the leaders and people just go like “okay”? I comprehend not trying to go against him, but not having any friction is kind of odd.
  • Why did Claude survive Axis Mundi? More importantly, how did the Beyonders not even notice that?
  • The Beyonders’ reaction to Claude’s survival is nonchalant to say the least.
  • Oh, the good ol’ “pretending to turn coats to save friends from a big threat”. Nice.
  • Latin again: Ultima Chorea
The action was top-notch in this chapter, but, excepting the Claude twist, the aftermath should have been handled better.

Chapter III:
  1. Henry’s suggestion was… well, stupid, considering the group’s intent was to back up Claude while protecting Arinasa, not to chase
  2. Ultimus Cataclysmus
  3. So Balance of Truth can be broken and restored? Kind of a bummer Michael breaking it had no aftereffect.
  4. So half of the city was destroyed and no god/immortal complained about it?
Transitional chapter, but very entertaining.


Now for what you said about my commentary:
Quote:
Sciffer, it's a name that has a personal meaning for me. If you want i can send you a PM about it, because i don't feel like sharing this with everyone.

No need to, I understand.


Quote:
Unfortunately i don't speak latin. And i researched on the internet. I know that it's not a good choice there, but to me Tertia, Secundo and Primum sounded much better.

@ bold: That's odd, considering Romanian is a Latin-derived language. As a fellow Latin-derived language user, it confuses the shit out of me having a feminine, a masculine and a neuter adjective thrown together.


That said, wiktionary.org is a good source to check the Latin, since it shows how it's conjugated in both gender, number and purpose.



Quote:
I recapitulated that for the reader so they wouldn't have to go back several pages behind if they had forgot.

A tip: when writing, consider your readers geniuses that understand and remember everything. Only when they pose questions and forget stuff is when you recapitulate and pan out stuff. It's better for the reader to have genuine doubt rather than feeling patronized.










Now a commentary of the writing as a whole, you're like the diametric version of me: while my dialog and attention to detail are very good and my action writing and tension are sucky, your action writing and tension are very good but your attention to detail and dialog need serious improvement. Would be an interesting experiment if we wrote something together.


That said, there are issues in your writing considering the 9 C's of good writing:
  1. Coherency
  2. Consistency
  3. Characterization
  4. Characters before plot
  5. Canon before appeal
  6. Cop-outs are to be avoided
  7. Clichés too
  8. Cognizant writer is the best writer
  9. Can't please everyone, or you'll please none
While points 1, 2, 7 and 9 are of good health, the others need to be worked on.


3) Characterization:Only Claude and Robert are properly characterized. All other characters are just... there, including Arinasa and Max, who you said would be sharing the spotlight with Claude and Robert, but there's no drive exclusive to those characters. And the only things truly distinguishing the immortals on either side are their names and abilities, otherwise they're just numbers for the count. If they were one-arc wonders or characters that only appear once in a while (like the Beyonders), it'd understandable, but we're already in what, the sixth or seventh arc of the fiction with them always there?



4) Characters over plot: I think this is the crux of what is flawed in your writing, you're putting the plot at the top of everything. This may sound confusing, but while the plot is the most important thing in fiction, it can't be the priority. Characters should be above the plot, that is, when you write characters you should be more preoccupied with them than what they have to say about the plot. That's the problem your dialog has, with the exception of the Sesto scene, the off-panel sexy-time scene and Balance of Truth, the characters are either speaking plot, exposition or reacting to the plot. Only Claude and Robert seem to be immune to this.


5 & 6) Canon before appeal/Cop-outs are to be avoided: I'll roll these two into one: don't withhold basic information just because there's a plot twist down the road. Fuck the plot twists if the readers go "why?" at some plot points. Using the radium plot point, you just needed to explain the necessary minimum so people would go "oh!" and then when the plot twist would come in explaining it fully, people would go "OH!!!". You catch my drift? And this "necessary minimum" shouldn't be Claude's excuse of "I dunno" when the explanation for him surviving the Axis Mundi should happen but didn't. Is it really going to payoff later instead of when the need arose?


8) Cognizant writer is the best writer:

Quote:
Because right now i'm doing an experiment. I write without having a plan, or looking back at the previous chapters. I want to see how much can i remember and how can i handle the various ideas that i have and make them work without constant checking of the previous chapters. Just based on memories and intuition.

DON'T DO IT. DON'T!!! Have a plan, look back at previous chapter, take notes of everything you do and why did you do it. Going by memory without a plan or reference is prone to a lot of mistakes.
__________________
My writings and ramblings:

Water of Ocean Darkest Chapters: 1 - 2
Weaver Chapters: 0 - 1 - 2 - 3







Numinous is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Numinous For This Useful Post:
Vishnu (12-09-2012)
Old 12-09-2012, 02:56 AM   #1347
Vishnu
Hunter-Nin
 
Vishnu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romania
Posts: 1,328
Thanks: 1,857
Thanked 2,172 Times in 789 Posts
Vishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enoughVishnu will become famous soon enough
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

I'm sorry guys but because of some personal matters i have to take a small break. Num, i will try to answer what you have said when i can. The next three chapters will be posted as soon as i deal with my matters. Thank you for understanding.
__________________
When other men blindly follow the truth remember:
Nothing is true!
When other men are limited by morality and law remember:
Everything is permitted!

Quote:
We know the light...but when we shall create the dark?
Check out the new fanfiction bloghttp://celestcity.blogspot.com
Vishnu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-19-2012, 02:56 AM   #1348
Narut0360
Genin
 
Narut0360's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Boston
Posts: 221
Thanks: 533
Thanked 296 Times in 105 Posts
Narut0360 is an unknown quantity at this point
Exclamation Re: I'M Back Fanfiction

I'm Back!!

Chapter Continuation from page 72

Quote:

Naruto Fan Fic Chronicles: My Many Reasons

Scene continues back in the Whirlpool country a few hours after the Naruto and Sasuke Sparring match. We zoom in on the different parts of the scars of the battle field, the fallen waterfalls, the shuriken scattered on the ground, the scorch marks as well. Then we see a yellowish glow coming from behind an unscathed waterfall we keep zooming in until we hear laughing and we cut to Naruto, Hinata, Sasuke, Makura and Koudo sitting around a fire Laughing. Scene cuts to a close up on Naruto’s smiling face

Naruto- We had some good memories didn’t we?

We see Sasuke closing his eyes nodding and Hinata looking at Naruto blushing.

Naruto- But who knew we would end up here… {Sigh}…

Hinata smiles

Hinata- all of us together again.

Naruto and Sasuke smile

Naruto- No I always knew that was going to happen…

Sasuke- Then what Naruto?

Naruto turns and looks at the fire and swats his hand in Sasuke’s direction…

Naruto- Never mind just never mind, you guys better get some rest it’s going to be a very tiring day tomorrow.

Sasuke- whys that?

Naruto smiles and with both his thumbs points at himself

Naruto- You will be training me!!

Sasuke hand palms himself while shaking his head, and we hear the whole cave filled with echoes of laughing and croaking, which can be heard from outside of the cave.We once again canvas the whole battle field and end up on a zoomed focus of the Moon overhead………..

3 hours later we follow the moons beam of light through the canopy of trees to where we see Naruto smiling and standing and slowly turning in place seeing what he and Sasuke have done. We zoom in on Naruto’s Face to see his eyes are tearing up….

???- Yo Boss are you Crying ?!!

Naruto quickly wipes his eyes with his sleeve muffles his sniffles

Naruto{sniff.. snif}- Of course not you idiots… Come here, I need to speak to the two of you.

Naruto begins to crouch on his knees as we see the two small figures, Makura and Koudo hop into the moons beam of light with Naruto.

Makura- Boss you were definitely crying!

Naruto- Shut up Makura, I was NOT!

Koudo- So what is it you wanted to say to us boss?

Naruto- Sigh…. Thanks

Both Koudo and Makura tilt their head in confusion

Koudo- For what exactly?

Naruto- Just Thanks for everything….

Makura- Boss you trying to get rid of us or something, because knowing how we train we will be seeing you very soon.

Naruto is now sitting on the ground in front of them

Naruto- I know… I know, but this is different this is….

Koudo- War!

Naruto nods and pats Koudo on his head

Naruto- I have had this feeling once before and it was during a similar time and I just wished before he left I would have said thanks

Koudo- Master Jiraiya already knows how grateful you were to him
without you having to say anything.

Naruto looks up at the moon

Naruto- I hope your right….{Sniff}

Naruto wipes his eyes before looking at the two again

Naruto- So before you both go to where I have assigned you. You must stop home and tell them the plan but if there is trouble just give the signal and we will be there in a….

They simultaneously say….

Naruto, Koudo and Makura- FLASH!!

Naruto smiles and sticks out his fist, Koudo and Makura do the same as soon they touch fists Koudo and Makura vanish in a puff of smoke….Naruto looks up towards the moon and closes his eyes

Naruto- sigh……I know you are there Hinata, please come sit with me.

Scene cuts to Hinata, who has been watching Naruto through the waterfall and is now walking through it to sit beside him….Naruto Touches her knee and looks at Hinata with a smile and asks

Naruto- Did I wake you?

Hinata- um ah… No I just couldn’t sleep, and I noticed you were gone so I came and found you.

Naruto- so I did wake you hehe

Naruto turns and looks back up towards the moon through the trees

Hinata- so where are those two off to now?

Naruto- a pit stop at home, and then off to the other villages to train…

Naruto is now laying down still looking at the moon

Hinata- um um….

Naruto softly asks

Naruto- what is it Hinata?

Hinata- Why did you leave me?

Naruto stops looking at the moon and looks over at Hinata and touches her back. Hinata looks over her shoulder at him.

Naruto- It was hard to do....

Hinata turns her whole body to him

Hinata- Then Why?!!

Naruto- Sighs…. That day when I left, I had many thoughts going through my mind but my first and last thought was you!

Hinata-……

Naruto- You must understand by now that me leaving was a must.

Hinata turns away from Naruto. While Naruto sits up

Naruto- I could not have progressed this far with you and everyone distracting me on a day to day basis

Hinata abruptly stands up and starts to walk away…

Naruto- Hinata that’s not what I meant, what I’m trying to say to you here is that I love you and when I’m near you I can’t seem to take my eyes off you...So

Hinata begins to blush and fiddle with her hands

Hinata- so I would distract you from what you need to do

Naruto scratches his head and nod. Hinata turns slightly to Naruto

Hinata- would you do it again?

Naruto- I would and without any hesitation too.

Hinata’s Blush disappears and she begins to walk off slowly to the cave and just when she’s about to take her first step in Naruto appears in front of her.

Hinata- Let me pass!!

Hinata is pushing Naruto

Naruto- WAIT….Give Me a Second Hinata!

Naruto is holding her shoulders and looking into her eyes

Naruto- Why is it that you make me fumble my words whenever I’m around you . Hinata you asked would I leave a again? And my answer is YES.

Hinata struggles to pass Naruto, but Naruto turns her around holding her arms

Naruto- tell me what you see

Hinata- NO, LET ME GO!!

Naruto- First tell me what you see….

Hinata- The battle scar you had with Sasuke in your sparring match

Naruto- look Harder….

Hinata closes her eyes and turns her head away

Hinata- No!

Naruto lets go of Hinata and brushes his shoulder with her shoulder as he walks past Hinata, She can easily see Naruto is disappointed because he is looking down and shaking his head…Naruto goes and sits in the Moons Beam of light and looks up.

Naruto- Hinata, do you know why I keep looking at this full moon?

Hinata whispers just loud enough so Naruto can hear

Hinata- No why?

Naruto turns to Hinata and looks her in the eyes

Naruto- Because of you!

Naruto looks back up at the moon

Naruto- Every Full Moon I look up at it thinking of you and you’re Beautiful Eyes that can see all, and hoping just hoping you could see me. I have been doing it from the day I left but maybe I was wrong, to hope that you could see me wherever I was. Now I am afraid you have been closing your eyes and turning away from me all this time we’ve been away just as you are now….

Naruto lays down and rolls to his side away from Hinata…Hinata begins to walks very slowly towards him with a tear in her eye and kneels down beside him with her looking down at her hands which are placed in her lap….Hinata looks up and whispers …..

Hinata- Byakugan……

Hinata begins to look around and continues to do so harder and harder until she breaks down crying and places her hands and head on Naruto’s side.

Hinata- I see, I see now….. I understand please forgiv……

Naruto interrupts turns and grabs Hinata’s Hands and pulls her to his side and locking eyes with her….

Naruto- There is No Need for apologies I’m just glad you could see me and understand my many reason for leaving.

Hinata smiles

Hinata- I do….

Naruto and Hinata snuggle close together however never losing eye contact…

The scene zooms out following the Beam of light back to the moon where we see on the face of it all the images of what Hinata was seeing from faces to families to lovers and friends all in their beds.
I’m rusty at this, but I wanted to try and make a Comeback

SO ANY Thoughts and comments will be extremely Helpful, Thank YOU!
__________________
Check out my Fanfiction from the very Beginning on page "37" in Naruto Fan Fiction Thread and it continues on pages "47,49,57,61,62,63,70,71,72"

Thank You and Enjoy

Last edited by Narut0360; 12-19-2012 at 02:57 AM.
Narut0360 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Narut0360 For This Useful Post:
Bazooka_Joe (12-19-2012), ivhturp2 (12-19-2012), jekyl_hyde (12-19-2012), KiddJutsu (12-19-2012)
Old 12-19-2012, 03:45 PM   #1349
jekyl_hyde
Hunter-Nin
 
jekyl_hyde's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,362
Thanks: 763
Thanked 1,248 Times in 521 Posts
jekyl_hyde is on a distinguished roadjekyl_hyde is on a distinguished road
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Just wanted to drop in and say... the little dude is here. After numerous weeks of suffering and bemoaning by the wife, my son is here.

Also, great to see you back N360. Nice turn in the drama between Hinata and Naruto. Just don't get too predictable with it. Also, when you describe a moment such as the ending of this chapter, be a little more descriptive if possible, because that would have been a nice moment if it could have been drawn. But really great to have you back man.
jekyl_hyde is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to jekyl_hyde For This Useful Post:
ivhturp2 (12-19-2012), KiddJutsu (12-19-2012), Narut0360 (12-19-2012), Numinous (12-20-2012), Vishnu (12-21-2012)
Old 12-19-2012, 04:09 PM   #1350
Narut0360
Genin
 
Narut0360's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Boston
Posts: 221
Thanks: 533
Thanked 296 Times in 105 Posts
Narut0360 is an unknown quantity at this point
Re: Naruto Fan Fiction Thread!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jekyl_hyde View Post
Just wanted to drop in and say... the little dude is here. After numerous weeks of suffering and bemoaning by the wife, my son is here.

Also, great to see you back N360. Nice turn in the drama between Hinata and Naruto. Just don't get too predictable with it. Also, when you describe a moment such as the ending of this chapter, be a little more descriptive if possible, because that would have been a nice moment if it could have been drawn. But really great to have you back man.
First off, Congrats on the Baby Boy!! & lets hope he is more Dr. Jekyl in him than Mr. Hyde lol.... But I'm getting off topic, So Again Congrats!

Secondly, Its good to be back but as you pointed out I'm a little rusty at being unpredictable, but once i get back into a groove which i hope to be soon i think i will be back to normal.

Finally, can you clarify or highlight what you want me to be more descriptive about in the previous chapter so i can see my error and improve my writing for my continuation, it would be a great help..... But only if you have time.

Thank you for your comments and again Congrats!!
Narut0360 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:07 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.