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Old 02-05-2007, 02:12 PM   #1
Nara Shikamaru
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Talking Awesome One-liners!!

Check out these awesome one-liners by Steven Wright.....

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.


I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.


If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.


When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."


A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."


One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
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Old 02-05-2007, 02:18 PM   #2
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

i have some too!

I'd horse-whip you if i had a horse-groucho marx

you have the brain of a four year old child, and i bet he was glad to get rid of it-groucho marx

you have a beautiful face for radio-i dnt know, but still halarious!

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter--some day I intend reading it. -groucho marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. -groucho marx

I'll show you a thing or three.- groucho marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home...But I would rather dance with the cows till you come home- groucho marx

i love the marx bros...they were an awesome comedy series from the 1930's...this isn't even a piece of all of their work
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Old 02-05-2007, 02:23 PM   #3
Nara Shikamaru
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

lol!! those are also pretty awesome!
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Old 02-05-2007, 02:28 PM   #4
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

thankies! ^_^

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. - groucho marx

I would like the west better if it was in the east-chico marx

Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech-groucho marx
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Christian Girls ftw.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kites View Post
20/10 Christianity FTW
"]

We live in the HERE and NOW
so don't worry about what will happen tomorrow, todays troubles are enough for today-Matthew 6:34
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:42 PM   #5
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
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Old 02-08-2007, 05:36 PM   #6
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

Bestt 1 line worder: STFU

Best 1 liner, Joor Mom!
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Old 02-08-2007, 05:38 PM   #7
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

Classical is a group that you want to have read but don't want to read. - Mark Twain
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Old 02-08-2007, 08:03 PM   #8
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nara Shikamaru View Post
Check out these awesome one-liners by Steven Wright.....

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.


I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.


If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.


When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."


A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."


One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
Those are hilarious. ^_^
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Old 02-08-2007, 08:14 PM   #9
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Re: Awesome One-liners!!

* It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?

* I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... Unless you're a table.

* Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

* People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. "Hey man, you look tense." "Yeah, I'm about to floss."

* Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

* I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

* I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."

* I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."
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