Dead

hokge · 12-28-2005, 04:41 AM

A poem I think

~Dead~

I'm dead on inside
I want to die on the outside
But I have people to wacth over
But in my head I want them all dead
Just like me
Why do they like me
Why do they keep me here
Why must I stay
It's for them not me
If I was gone they would be dead to
If I die they die
Just like in my head
But I know why I stay
Deep inside I'm ready to die
But only dieing for there sfatey
But ween I die for them they will blame them seveles
And I will see them soon
But what I will see them dead on the inside
Not the outside
They will countine to live so that my life was not wasted
But I don't want this
I want them to move on
Live on like every other day
My way of life is for them
If they realy knew me they would hate me
And then the love would stop
But then I could reach up and live once again
Even if just for a second

Satoku · 12-28-2005, 04:56 AM

that sure as hell matches me

hokge · 12-28-2005, 05:20 AM

I think that we all this way somrtimes.I don't know if I'll ever get to realy live the way a want.

Glaiza_mei · 12-28-2005, 10:59 PM

woah....that's pretty deep hokge.

i agree tho..sumtimes i'm like that, i think we all are at times. to live for the people you cherish is an honorable thing. to be full of life yet feel so empty is pain...

Kamatari · 12-29-2005, 08:47 AM

wats thats like almost me, except that they don like me n i don like them ._.

palmereap · 12-29-2005, 08:48 AM

great that's good the kind of stuff i like

hokge · 12-29-2005, 01:29 PM

Glad you like it.

flareofdragon · 12-29-2005, 01:43 PM

Sorry... but no, that poem is vaguely childish.

Plus it does not even relay a straight intention. Maybe thats what you are aiming for, but no.

Do you want their love or not?
Do you want them to hate you?

Oh and stanzas are your friend. Split your paragraph, it will make the poem better. And your title does not even relay the emotion of this passage. Maybe "confusion" or the "Bitter nectar of love."

hokge · 12-29-2005, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flareofdragon

Sorry... but no, that poem is vaguely childish.

Plus it does not even relay a straight intention. Maybe thats what you are aiming for, but no.

Do you want their love or not?
Do you want them to hate you?

Oh and stanzas are your friend. Split your paragraph, it will make the poem better. And your title does not even relay the emotion of this passage. Maybe "confusion" or the "Bitter nectar of love."

The point is that I want to live but how my life is I can't.

flareofdragon · 12-29-2005, 02:55 PM

Then work on your wording.

Quote:

The point is that I want to live but how my life is I can't.

This would be better as, "The point is that I want to live, but not this way"

And btw, your poem does not relay that theme. It vaguely comes off as suicidal and not liking your own life. Very little about wanting to live.

hokge · 12-29-2005, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flareofdragon

Then work on your wording.

This would be better as, "The point is that I want to live, but not this way"

And btw, your poem does not relay that theme. It vaguely comes off as suicidal and not liking your own life. Very little about wanting to live.

Okay,dude.Your not looking at the meaning of it.I'm dead on the inside,because they love me.But if they realy knew me they woudn't love me.But then I could live.Get it.

flareofdragon · 12-29-2005, 03:36 PM

Then why aren't you letting them know the "real you?"

<<;; And that is what your poem is saying. But... no, there are conflicts and irrelevancy. How does dying tie into this ? Ok, you are dead in the inside, but why are you talking about physical death?

Are you getting this? Your concept is filled with gaps.

Jaxon · 12-29-2005, 07:45 PM

God Damn, it's like a fight in the student filled coffee house in here.
It's good, and surprisingly deep for you HS, but it ain't perfect. Accept some of Flare's criticism.

Makoto_Duke_War_IV · 12-29-2005, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hokge

A poem I think

~Dead~

I'm dead on inside
I want to die on the outside
But I have people to wacth over
But in my head I want them all dead
Just like me
Why do they like me
Why do they keep me here
Why must I stay
It's for them not me
If I was gone they would be dead to
If I die they die
Just like in my head
But I know why I stay
Deep inside I'm ready to die
But only dieing for there sfatey
But ween I die for them they will blame them seveles
And I will see them soon
But what I will see them dead on the inside
Not the outside
They will countine to live so that my life was not wasted
But I don't want this
I want them to move on
Live on like every other day
My way of life is for them
If they realy knew me they would hate me
And then the love would stop
But then I could reach up and live once again
Even if just for a second

Aww, you need a hug. C'here bro! *big huggies*

hokge · 01-01-2006, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flareofdragon

Then why aren't you letting them know the "real you?"

<<;; And that is what your poem is saying. But... no, there are conflicts and irrelevancy. How does dying tie into this ? Ok, you are dead in the inside, but why are you talking about physical death?

Are you getting this? Your concept is filled with gaps.

Then why aren't you letting them know the "real you?"They would be hurt and I don't want that.

Ok, you are dead in the inside, but why are you talking about physical death?
Because I'm dead on the inside I want to die on the outside, so then I would be free. But because I stay here for them I won't die. And if they knew they would try and make me go back to what I was, dead. But with out them I have no perpoupse. But for a second I would be living. But with no point in life anymore I would die again.

12-28-2005, 10:59 PM	#4
Glaiza_mei Special Jounin Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Earth Age: 27 Posts: 2,198 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	woah....that's pretty deep hokge. i agree tho..sumtimes i'm like that, i think we all are at times. to live for the people you cherish is an honorable thing. to be full of life yet feel so empty is pain... __________________ Let me be with you gaara-kun...hugs .:Tomodachis:. uzu-niichan.blizg.ia nel.mai.goku.ss18.kurai.kitty.toshi. otc.hokge.azumi.kyoko.wolf.lynn.yami.og. 6n6.lapinky.as.xao.k1300 dosu.nataku.makoto.trevor.jax.sg.ken.bgb .blaze.

12-29-2005, 08:47 AM	#5
Kamatari Assassin of the Wind Join Date: May 2005 Location: somewhere where there r lotsa ppl to kill Age: 21 Posts: 465 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	wats thats like almost me, except that they don like me n i don like them ._. __________________ things to know about me: - i think about my pathetic life everyday - i think about my death-soon-to-come everyday - i think about killing someone everyday - i think about how much God must hate me everyday - i think about how much devils might like me everyday - i think about yaoi or hot guys kissing each other everyday - i think about hentai and ecchi stuff everyday - i think about alot of nasty things now will you be my friend?

12-29-2005, 08:48 AM	#6
palmereap Kage Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 5,209 Thanks: 0 Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts	great that's good the kind of stuff i like __________________ My Photobucket - My Deviantart - My Youtube SOTW #3 - winner :Akatsuki FC: :Ninja Girls FC: :War of Sharingan FC: :Legend Of Zelda FC: Kitty is my perverted glitter sis

12-29-2005, 01:43 PM	#8
flareofdragon Hunter-Nin Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 1,055 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Sorry... but no, that poem is vaguely childish. Plus it does not even relay a straight intention. Maybe thats what you are aiming for, but no. Do you want their love or not? Do you want them to hate you? Oh and stanzas are your friend. Split your paragraph, it will make the poem better. And your title does not even relay the emotion of this passage. Maybe "confusion" or the "Bitter nectar of love." __________________ freerice.com flareofdragon.deviantart.com

12-29-2005, 03:36 PM	#12
flareofdragon Hunter-Nin Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 1,055 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Then why aren't you letting them know the "real you?" <<;; And that is what your poem is saying. But... no, there are conflicts and irrelevancy. How does dying tie into this ? Ok, you are dead in the inside, but why are you talking about physical death? Are you getting this? Your concept is filled with gaps. __________________ freerice.com flareofdragon.deviantart.com

12-28-2005, 04:56 AM	#2
Satoku One Pump Chump Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: a soggy cardboard box Posts: 2,785 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	that sure as hell matches me

12-29-2005, 07:45 PM	#13
Jaxon Groovy. Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 4,393 Thanks: 3,594 Thanked 12,487 Times in 3,669 Posts	God Damn, it's like a fight in the student filled coffee house in here. It's good, and surprisingly deep for you HS, but it ain't perfect. Accept some of Flare's criticism.

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