ShinobiKnight

Matsuo, Fujiwara, and I surfaced in the middle of an unfamiliar wood. Matsuo looked around and motioned for us to follow. I was disguised as their comrade Yamada, and so far my trick had worked. We stealthily, but speedily, navigated the woods, until we came to the bank of a river. Searching the bank, we found a bridge and crossed it. I realized that we were in the Rice Field country, a.k.a. the Sound Country. We were soon at the village.
The Hidden Sound village had come a long way. What was once an underground compound was now a vast village, dwarfed only by the Hidden Leaf. We entered and walked through the streets. I tried not to look as though I was observing my surroundings, but I couldn't help it. The houses were all nicely made, and the people clean and healthy. A little intimidating, but healthy. I countered their cruel gazes by straightening up and glaring right back at them. Matsuo entered a house and walked inside, followed by Fujiwara. I stepped inside and stifled a yell as I plunged into darkness.
It took all my effort to land on my feet, as if I had been ready. I looked around. We were in a torchlit tunnel. Matsuo and Fujiwara were a little ahead. After fifteen minutes of walking, we heard a distant, faint thump. We turned alertly. Matsuo relaxed and went back in our original direction.
"It doesn't matter if anyone's following us," he said nonchalantly. "If they intend to keep their course, Tenmade will rip them apart."
Soon we reached a large boulder that blocked the entire tunnel. I looked over it. As I searched for a weakness in the huge rock, Matsuo said, "Your jutsu, please." Both of the others were looking in my direction. I tried to be calm. Matsuo said, a little impatiently, "Your jutsu, Fujiwara. I'f we're late because of you, I swear I'll strangle your soul in the afterlife. What are you looking at?" I realized that Fujiwara had been looking over my shoulder, and that Matsuo had looked to see what she was staring at. I vented my relief in motions that made it seem as if I was merely impatient.
Fujiwara broke out of her trance and said, "Oh, right. Hold on." Placing her right hand on the boulder, she put the index and middle fingers of her left hand up in front of her lips. Chakra swirled around her arm and into the boulder. It diappeared, and we stepped through.
To my surprise, it was a glittering, well-lit room, like the throne room of a palace. On a throne sat a beauiful but dangerous-looking woman. Matsuo and Fujiwara bowed, and I did the same. "Tenmade-sama."
The woman cast a knowing eye upon us. She said coldly, "Rise, you ignorant fools. Not only did you fail the mission I assigned you, you ran away. And, worst of all, you brought a traitor into our midst! Tell me, did you kill even one of the three?"
Matsuo's voice trembled as he answered, "Yes, Yamada killed one."
Tenmade answered cooly, "Did you watch Yamada kill this boy?"
"No, Tenmade-sama."
"And you have heard of a variation on the Transformation jutsu with which one can transform others, have you not?"
"I have, Tenmade-sama."
"Then you admit it is entirely possible that this boy instead killed Yamada, took his form, and had his companion disguise Yamada's body as his own?"
I was shocked. This woman knew exactly what had happened! Matsuo, however, was filled with rage, and he charged at me with intent to kill. Before I knew he was even attacking, Tenmade was between us, holding up Matsuo by the throat. "Fool, you are not fit for my service," she declared. "Your punishment will be delivered." She threw him against a wall, and rather than fall, he stuck to it. She did the same with Fujiwara. Then she turned to me. I stepped back. She laughed.
"Do not worry," she said. "I will not punish, if you show me your true form." I looked at Matsuo's terrified face and dropped the illusion. She seemed pleased. "And now, you will watch the punishment I deal, so that you will not trifle with me in the future." I found myslef rooted to the spot. I couldn't even move my eyelids. Tenmade walked over to Matsuo, and plunged one hand into his stomach.
When her hand came out, no external wound was visible, but she held a small organ. She put it in front of Matsuo's face and said, "Eat." He bit off a chunk and screamed. He was forced to eat another chunk, and another, and another, with increasing pain every time, until the organ was gone. Tenmade simply fished out another and began again. The screams, coupled with the blood spurting everywhere, made it a horrible sight. By the time she moved on to Fujiwara, I knew nothing any more but nightmarish, gruesome scenes, causing fear and disgust. After that, I have no idea what happened next.

bloodreapress

Pretty nice. The first-half sentences should be a little longer, and use the semicolon a little for better flow. I honestly don't know why you posted this yesterday and haven't gotten a reply until now. This is great.
I don't like the 'declare' you use for the woman. It sounds a little fake. On the last para - i think you should make him fight a little before eating.

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ShinobiKnight

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.