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Old 02-01-2007, 04:50 PM   #1
Fire Shadow of Konoha
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Hogi's Story

Ok this is my first FanFic so be gentle

P.S. Hogi is a my character in an RPG I Run

Hogi's Story

Chapter One

A young girl around the age of 18 is standing at the alter wearing the most beautiful white dress you could ever see, which was an improvement over her normal dirty white training suit that she always seems to be wearing. Standing next to her is a young man about 19 years of age and the first thing everyone notices about these two are their pure white eyes.

These two are Hanabi and Hiroshi Hyuuga about to be wed. Now unfortunatly Hiroshi is from the side branch of the family and when Hanabi's father heard about the engagement he prombtly disowned her for marrying someone beneath her. Although Hanabi was dissapointed that her father was no where to be seen at least her sister Hinata and cousin Neji were and that, as far as she was concerned made it the happiest day of her life.

Two years have passed since the wedding and with the love and support of Hiroshi and her sister, and even Neji who lately seems to be completly contempt with his life, they were the best two years of her life.

"Hinata I don't know what to do," says Hanabi, "should i tell Hiroshi or let it be a surprise?"

"Well it..it is a problem Hanabi, but...but you ne..need to tell him the truth because he loves you and he will be happy." responds Hinata a littly too nervous for Hanabi's liking.

"You're right Hinata i'll tell him in the morning." She says while giving her sister a hug goodbye.

"Ok I'll see you tomarrow and good luck little sis." Says Hinata waving goodbye and walking out the door.

......Oh Man what is she going to tell him NOOOOOOOOOO (You're just going to have to wait)
Please let me know what you think
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Old 02-01-2007, 04:54 PM   #2
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Re: Hogi's Story

interesting....what are you trying to get done? aka, what is the plot? (u dnt have to tell me all of it, i just want to know where this is headed) kinda short, but then again, all beginning fanfics are (including mine) write more, i promise that I will check back
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Old 02-01-2007, 05:15 PM   #3
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Re: Hogi's Story

Well in the RPG i have i have just started hinting at my characters past so now i am making a story abput his past and how he gets to where he is know plus i just stated writing so i don't know how long it'll be
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Old 02-01-2007, 05:22 PM   #4
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Re: Hogi's Story

Where's Hogi?

Also a good start but the narration seems to be more conversational than narrational.
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Old 02-01-2007, 06:07 PM   #5
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Re: Hogi's Story

Hogi hasn't been born yet and i need to tell what happens with his parents so you understand what hapens later plus it's the best i can do i'm not that great of a narrator
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Old 02-01-2007, 06:07 PM   #6
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Re: Hogi's Story

Chapter Two

The next morning Hanabi gets up in the morning before Hiroshi covering her beautiful young body in a blanket she heads to the bathroom to take a shower.

*Thinking to herself* what am i going to tell him, how is he going to take it, will he be mad, sad, happy, feint. along with a million other thoughts rushing through her head she hardly notices the phone ring.

Answering it before it woke up her husband "Hello this is Hanabi,' she answers,"how can i help you."

Suddenly an answer comes after a short pause she hears, "Hanabi this is Neji Hinata told me, is it true," after another short pause he asks, "are you pregnant Hanabi?"

"Yes Neji I..I mean i am Neji." she says waiting for Neji to start screaming at her for being to young since lately Neji has been acting like a father to her but is surprised to hear his response, "Neji are you there?"

"Yes," he responds as she steps out of the shower and begins to but on her Pj bottoms and goes to grab a shirt out of the closet,"and that..thats great Hanabi you're going to be a great mother but you do know what that means right?"

A little puzzled by what her cousin has just said to her she is confused about what he means, "No i don't Neji. What are you talking about?'

Over the phone she hears him sigh as she poars herself some cereal and starts to walk over to her counter, "It means you are going to have to tell your father that you are carrying his grandchild." After hearing this she drops her bowl and it crashes to the floor, "Hinabi are you Ok what was that crash."

Hearing a crash in the kitchen Hiroshi throws on a shirt, grabs his kunai and runs out to the kitchen, "Is everything all right out here Hanabi i heard a crash," then he looks down and sees the broken bowl, "oh is that all, let me clean that up for you."

"Thanks hun and Neji i got to go." With that she hangs up the phone and walks back to her room.

Hiroshi follows her back there as she starts changing into one of her formal dresses, "Hanabi what are you doing are you going somewhere?" He asks while she is getting dressed, "Hinabi answer me."

After she gets her dress on she finally says, "I'm going to see my father." with the same expresionless face she has had since she first dropped the bowl she walks through the house to the front door, with her husband right behind her.

"But why you two haven't spoken to eachother in over three years, the only thing keeping us near that man is your sister Hinata."

As she is shutting the door she says, "It's just something i have to do i'll be back later ok and i'll make the best dinner you ever had." She says looking back smiling for the first time all morning. She shuts the door and heads to the Hyuuga estate of her father and her past home to do what she know must be done, she believes that maybe he will take pity on the unborn child.

I know it's not so great now but i am working on it and i hope it will get better and thanks for reading!!!
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Old 02-01-2007, 07:38 PM   #7
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Re: Hogi's Story

Wow, she's pregnant...her dad's gonna smoke her!

Keep on writing. Tis good, very great!
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Old 02-01-2007, 07:40 PM   #8
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Re: Hogi's Story

Thanks thats what i wanted to hear although the chapters are fairly short cause i find a good place to leave off then i'm mad because they are short
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Old 02-01-2007, 07:54 PM   #9
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Re: Hogi's Story

Well, you have to find a better place to leave off and HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SPELL CHECK? It killed me on the inside reading this, such bad grammar.

EDIT: heh... it was just with the second chapter, I'm guessing you spent less time doing it.
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:10 PM   #10
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Re: Hogi's Story

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Thanks thats what i wanted to hear although the chapters are fairly short cause i find a good place to leave off then i'm mad because they are short
I suffered from that, the best thing to do is either make conversations longer or add extra events. It's also easier when you have more characters because you can switch about so instead of getting to the climax of one event, you switch to another. It'd prolly hard for you now as you'r focusing on Hanabi and Hiroshi.

Perhaps you should compress all of the events with them into one chapter so that all of it gets established at once, you can then start Hogi's story. Even better that can be a prolouge.
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:15 PM   #11
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Re: Hogi's Story

If you want the chapters to be longer, don't type them up here. Type them up on WordPad or MicrosoftWord or something. Try MicrosoftWord since you have quite a few spelling errors and grammar issues. Other than that, the story is an interesting concept.
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:18 PM   #12
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Re: Hogi's Story

Yeah, what LN-san said!
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:25 PM   #13
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Re: Hogi's Story

nice one... though there's some problem with the grammar (that have been my problem in all these years.. until now) and chapters are too short, the story is good... keep it up
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:36 PM   #14
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Re: Hogi's Story

Chapter Three

Hanabi arrives at the house she vowed she would stay away from forever. "It seems forever didn't last as long as i thought it would," gulping, she knocks on the door Hinata answers the door and Hanabi breaths a sigh of relief, "Oh hi Hi..Hinata how are you?"

"Are you ok Hanabi," Says Hinata worried, "what are you doing here, did Hiroshi kick you out, i'll kill that man for this!" Hinata's face turns red as Hinabi lets out a soft chuckle at the sudden outburst.

Once she finishes laughing, which took awhile, she tells Hinata that she hasn't yet told Hiroshi and that she is there to see there father, "It's important Hinata i have to tell him he needs to know about his Grandson even if he doesn't care i must tell him." she says as she starts to sob a little.

"Ok come in Hanabi and wait out in the orchard and i'll get him" she says as she starts to walk away.

In the orchard Hanabi hasn't been sitting long when she hears her father Scream "SHES HERE IN MY HOUSE HOW COULD YOU LET HER IN HERE!" he rushes into the orchard "GET OUT OF MY YARD YOU WORTHLESS CHILD."

"I'm not worthless and i MUST tell you something father." At the mention of the word father her whole body begins to be in pain reminding her that she is of the side branch now and he had complete control of her.

"YOU MUST DO NOTHING BUT WHAT I SAY AND NEVER CALL ME THAT I AM NOT YOUR FATHER AND THE ONLY DAUGHTER I HAVE IS HINATA NOW GET IT." He finally lets go of his grip on Hanabi

"Father i'm pregnant you are going to have a grandchild," falling to the ground trying to breath she tells him and prepares for the worst.

"You're what! Did you say pregnant, so not only are you a worthless failure now my grandchild will be too. I will not let that happen the child will live with me once it is born and you will never see it again." He had laid down his decree while helping Hanabi up with loving care making sure she is ok so that the child is too.

"I can't let you do that father it's my child and he will live with me and he will not be worthless no matter what you say so leave us alone." She says pulling away her arm from her father.

Suddenly the smile fades from his face, "I didn't want to resort to this but you know the law of the Hyuuga family, the boy will be mine willingly or i will have to do it."

"No you can't have him and i won't let you treat him like a piece of beef!" Suddenly getting more courage than she knew she had.

"You leave me no choice, as soon as the child is born we will brand it with the caged bird seal and he will be my slave and you shall still have no contact with the child."

She leaves, "Have it your way father for now i'll find a way around this, just watch me."

As she leaves he shouts after he, "Then that damn husband of yours will pay the price."

Hanabi arrives at home sobbing, "What happened Hanabi why are you are crying did he hurt you." he says while giving her a sympathetic hug.

Between Sobs she begins to tell him what happened, "I went to tell him i was pregnant and he said the worst thing to me that i could ever hear." Hiroshi releases his grip on Hanabi and steps back a couple paces.

"You're pr...pr..pregnant Hanabi," he asks and she slightly nods her head, "why didn't you tell me, but more importantly what did he tell you."

"He...he called our child wo..worthless and said that he was going to take him away and we could never see him," she said still sobbing, "and no matter what i do there will be consequences that i can't handle, I...I..I just don't know what to do>"

Giving Hanabi another hug he whispers into her ear "I do know what you can do."

"What! i need to know anything that may work." She whispers back to him.

To be continued...(I know what you're thinking and you'll just have to wait) and again thanks for reading. plus i don't have word and i use wordpad so i can't check it so sorry
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:45 PM   #15
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Re: Hogi's Story

grrrr... I shall threaten you until you give me another chapter.

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Sasuke: great you've done it now, she is now addicted.
Me: shut up Sasuke!
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