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Old 02-05-2007, 09:27 PM   #16
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakgyrl510 View Post
lmao XD......saw that on another forum.....

saw this somewhere too lol....and these signs do exist o.o.....
ROFLMAO!!!
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:44 AM   #17
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Re: The Comedy Thread

pedro(Peter) bumps with a foreigner;

pedro - ay! sori (ay! = oh!)

foreigner - i'm sori 2

pedro - sori 3

foreigner - wat r u sori 4

pedro - *mind* kala mo bobo ako ha! (u think i'm stupid huh!) sori 5

foreigner - i think u r sick!

pedro - haha! sick daw, SIX, bobo (daw = u say), (bobo = stupid)

sori if this sounds a little corny to you but it cracked me up ;p
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Old 02-09-2007, 10:50 PM   #18
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Re: The Comedy Thread

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

-----------
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

-------

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

------------

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".


---------

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

--------

New prefixIf blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear
smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

-------------

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she really sits A-R-O-U-N-D the house.

--------------

Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.

---------------


The Faith HealerTwo women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

-----------

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."


-----------------


Migraine CureA man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."


----------------



A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"


-----------


Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.

--------


Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.


---------


Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she
flipped the switch.
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Old 02-11-2007, 12:40 PM   #19
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Re: The Comedy Thread

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.
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Old 08-28-2008, 04:11 AM   #20
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Re: The Comedy Thread

wow this thread was pretty fucking sad, lets try and change that


Gifts For Mama


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her 'Thank You' notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
" Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
" Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
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Old 08-28-2008, 04:21 AM   #21
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Re: The Comedy Thread

LOLZ... I think I read that around somewhere...

Let me try... This may be a bit old though..

A man goes to the tattoo parlor to have a dollar bill tatooed on his d*ck. The tattoo artist asks why.

"First, is because I love playing with my money. Second, I love watching my money grow. Third, my wife likes to blow my money."
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Old 08-28-2008, 05:07 AM   #22
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Re: The Comedy Thread

short a clever lol

Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their
stories
" Tony, do you have a story to share?"
Yes Um. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bailout over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her
parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until it ran out of bullets. Killed
four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands.
" Good heavens! said the horrified teacher" What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrified story.


Stay the Fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
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Old 08-28-2008, 07:46 AM   #23
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shikamaru View Post
short a clever lol

Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their
stories
" Tony, do you have a story to share?"
Yes Um. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bailout over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her
parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until it ran out of bullets. Killed
four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands.
" Good heavens! said the horrified teacher" What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrified story.


Stay the Fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
lmao that was a good one, props.
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Old 08-28-2008, 11:36 AM   #24
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Re: The Comedy Thread

Natural 'Urges'


The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in the Sudanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, mon capitaine," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here in camp and no women and sometimes the men have...'urges'. That's why we have the camel, sir." The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges'. The camel can stay." About a month later, the captain starts having a real problem! with his own 'urges' and orders the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel the captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. Upon completing the act, he asks the sergeant, "is that how the men do it, "Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town."
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Old 08-28-2008, 04:41 PM   #25
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Re: The Comedy Thread

http://elzine.com/best-jokes-in-the-world.html <--- link to the jokes below, supposedly called the best jokes in the world, yea...... ok, w/e anyway the jokes from the site are below if you dont wanna click the link

Quote:
First
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Second Place
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
bullet

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
op Joke in England

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

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Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks
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Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
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Last edited by sasuke_power; 08-29-2008 at 02:38 AM.
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Old 08-28-2008, 10:53 PM   #26
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Re: The Comedy Thread

wow how about some indicators saying its a new joke or something =\
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Old 08-29-2008, 02:38 AM   #27
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Re: The Comedy Thread

was to lazy earlier to seperate it, but its done now.
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Old 08-29-2008, 03:13 AM   #28
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Re: The Comedy Thread

the second one is great, but those cant be the top jokes. Most of those are lame lol


Feat of Strength?


A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
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Old 08-29-2008, 04:12 AM   #29
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Re: The Comedy Thread

^ like i said the "article" claims it as such lmao

and LMAO @ THAT LAST ONE
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:06 PM   #30
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Re: The Comedy Thread

I got another i wanna post after this one:

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband Came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks"
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250

In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mum's lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Fine"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says "I can't I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you
sell them for?" The son says "$1000" the father says "That's terrible
to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that shit again."
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