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Old 07-30-2007, 08:51 PM   #1
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The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Yes, corny title. lol I don't know how far I'll get with this story, and I might not make additions regularly, ( I DO have a life, thank you very much) but I was writing, and I thought that it wasn't as bad as my usual fanfics.(which are usually really really bad... like unimaginably bad.) (By the way, constructive critisism is good. Just don't say something totally mean and rude like, "woah. that. really. sucked." That's just mean. lol)
Warning: this may contain spoilers from the manga if you haven't read it yet (and seriously why not? It's not like you have a life- you're reading my fanfic at a forum website. lol jk. jk.)
also: this may interfere a little bit with the storyline, but not too much. Just the elapsed amount of time between things and stuff like that. (ex. the reformed alliance between Konoha and Suna. You'll see if you go back and read the chapters around when Itachi shows up. it might not make a difference to you, though. Idk, just clueing you in.)
anyways, *sighs* So, here goes:

Part 1 Chapter 1

The sun was bright and burning in the cloudless sky as many dead and wounded fighters were brought back into their village. Sighs and groans of torment filled the air. Blood was spattered upon the desert sand. Not one pleasant expression could be found.
Wearing a skintight black sleeveless dress that was cut about eight inches above her knees, Temari shut the front door behind her as she and her brothers made their way towards the center of the village. Avoiding eye contact with the other villagers, Temari looked down at her feet and concentrated only on the soft sounds of her footsteps. A single tear slid down her right cheek and fell to the ground. She stifled a sob, not wanting the others to see her emotions out of her control.
When they eventually arrived at the funeral, they saw the pictures of all the recently deceased ninja, with their father’s picture dead center, for all to see. Gaara rubbed his temples and let out a heavy sigh. Kankuro glanced to his left to see his brother in this state of stress. He went to say something, but merely bit his lower lip and looked away from him, narrowly avoiding eye contact.
Tensions (and the temperature) rose as all of the villagers gave prayers to the lost lives. Tears fell like rain in the small area. Gaara saw Temari from the corner of his eye as she approached their father’s coffin. She lost all her strength and fell to her knees, sobbing, wetting the earth with her tears. Kankuro put his hands on her shoulders and shuffled away solemnly back to the recently formed crowd of mourning villagers.
Gaara stepped in front of his father’s coffin and looked at his picture. He stared into his father’s eyes, and he stared back at his tormented son. To Gaara, it felt as though his father (even being dead) was burning a hole in (what was left of) his soul. He clenched his fists and tightly shut his eyes. The painful memories of what he had been through wouldn’t leave his mind.
‘Why aren’t I satisfied?’ he asked himself, still standing there, motionless. He had thought he would be even a bit relieved the day that his father passed away, but in reality, he wasn’t.
His vision blurred and he felt like he was going to collapse. His breathing was amazingly heavy (hyperventilating) as he wiped the sweat off of his forehead. He felt as though he was being choked to death by an invisible force that he couldn’t stop.
He was snapped out of his panic attack by a surprisingly soothing voice:
“Hey, don’t stress out about this,” a sniff was heard from the person speaking, and a sob was prevented by sheer willpower, “Everything’s going to be fine, Gaara-kun.”
Gaara had immediately recognized the voice, but was still shocked when he turned around and saw Temari smiling at him. She put her right hand on his right shoulder and wrapped her other arm around him. She had to lead him all the way back home, for his shocked and confused mind couldn’t get his legs to move on their own.

--------------
So, yeah. That was Chapter 1.... *reads over it* wow. no wonder no one commented. lol

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Old 08-04-2007, 02:51 PM   #2
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Its good. It has potential. Here's a couple of tips. Use a bit more descripitve writing so the person can actually feel like they're there. Onther tip and a big on. Don't use parenthese. Its not really professional. Instead use commas. Commas can be used in a varity of ways. Using Commas can give a person another look at the same thing but from a different angle. Here's an example:
"As Tyrel moved his 'Mech foreward his computer spotted a radar blip. His Identifcation computer registered it has a foe. His target, the Axeman, was moving quickly towards his postion."
If you still have questions then PM me and I'll help you.
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Old 08-04-2007, 04:32 PM   #3
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Okay, chapter 2. I tried to improve on it, but don't expect a miracle. lol At least I tried, right? right? Anyways....

Part 1 Chapter 2

The civilians, still solemn from the loss of the 4th Kazekage stayed inside, even a week after his funeral was over. Rumors of an attack on the village were spreading like wildfire. Parents were keeping their young children from wandering around. Perhaps this was the main reason that the streets were completely deserted past sunset. Boards covered windows, and heavy silver locks were put on all shop doors. People who weren’t graduated ninja carried around weapons, “just to be safe.” No one traveled alone, for fear of never being seen or heard from again. No one could be trusted at the time.
Baki, Gaara, and Temari were reluctantly helping to empty out the 4th Kazekage’s office. Making room for a new leader was absolutely necessary. They had gone too long without preparing for a 5th Kazekage. They couldn’t let other countries know how much of a weakened state Suna was in, particularly Konoha.
Black, Brown and Blue boxes of documents and belongings cluttered the room, and miscellaneous items were scattered across the floor, making it extremely hard to walk without tripping over something. The office had obviously been neglected over the past three weeks, for dust had accumulated in the corners of the room.
A kunoichi entered the room, and stumbled over a box that was idiotically placed directly in front of the doorway. She looked in her twenties, and reasonably attractive. Her hair was dirty blonde, tucked in a bun with a black scrunchy around it, and she had bright blue eyes. She was wearing black capris, black sandals, and a blue no-sleeved shirt. Her headband was tied around her waist, showing off the fact that she was very slim and in shape.
“There’s news from the ninja that we sent to spy on Konohagakure,” she reported to Baki. Her pale hands were shaking, the paper she was holding making a soft crinkling noise.
“What is it?” Baki demanded her to tell him. Gaara sorted out papers pretending not to listen to the conversation so he wouldn’t be asked to leave the room, but Temari just stopped and looked at her sensei, dropping everything she was doing, making it completely obvious that she was eavesdropping.
“Two of our spies were discovered and murdered,” she paused, and Baki put his hand over his eyes and sighed, “and we found out from the other spies that they’ve already picked a 5th Hokage.”
“Already! Who is it?” Baki asked, probably louder than he had planned. His eyes were wide. Gaara lifted his head up and listened more intently to the conversation. Baki looked extremely worried. He knew that a 5th Hokage meant bad news for Suna.
“Tsunade-sama, one of the three legendary Sanin,” she responded, raising her shoulders up to her ears and crunching the paper in her hands. She had an ashamed look on her face, even though none of it was her fault.
“We should send more ninja to patrol the border,” Gaara said suddenly, breaking an awkward silence that seemed to last forever. All eyes widened and Temari failed at keeping her jaw from dropping. Realizing what he had just said, Gaara quickly went back to what he was doing. He hadn’t realized until that very second that he even cared about what happened to his village.
Baki signaled the kunoichi to go tell the other ninja about the plan. She nodded and ran out the door. He walked slowly out the door behind her, shaking his head in disbelief.
“I…. Didn’t know you actually cared,” Temari said, putting Gaara in an extremely awkward position, not knowing what to say, if he was to even speak at all. He turned away from her, which was her cue to leave him alone. She left quickly and silently.
After she was out of earshot, Gaara said softly to himself, “Me neither.”

----------

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Old 08-05-2007, 01:31 AM   #4
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

"skintight black sleeveless dress" as expected from Temari lolz. But anyways,this is actually a good story i give it a 100/10 <---yes a 100/10 i didn't add another "0" by mistake :P
You got some creativity, keep it up xD
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:27 PM   #5
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Very good. Your improving. I can't see anything wrong yet or to help you with. Keep writing.
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Old 08-05-2007, 09:45 PM   #6
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Thanks for the comments. I really appreaciate it. @ 4EK- really? I didn't think it was that great. Well, here goes, the first of two parts of chapter 3. (I like to keep the chapters short, if you haven't noticed. lol)

Part 1 Chapter 3 (A)

Kankuro raced across the village. Sweat trickled off his red face. He was very short of breath. His lungs felt as if they were going to burst at any given moment. But, he knew that he couldn’t stop yet. The circumstances were way too important. Many innocent lives were at stake.
A young boy paid the shopkeeper and grabbed the bag of colorful fruits and vegetables he had just bought for his sick parents. He had orange spiky hair and a peaceful grin on his face. He was clearly happy to serve his parents when they were in need, making up for them taking good care of him for ten long years. He waved goodbye to the man working the store and stepped out into the beautiful bright sunlight. He shut his eyes, for they hurt in the sun’s harmful light.
Next thing he knew, he was falling. It felt as though he was moving in slow motion as he went flying through the air. His green eyes were wide open as he let out a yelp. He slammed face-first into the hot and dry sand. He sat up and turned, coughing up bits of sand from his mouth.
“Hey! Watch it!” The young boy yelled up at the person who shoved him aside. He stood up, brushing sand off of his dark blue shirt. He found his bag right beside him and was grateful he had tied it shut. He picked it up and started heading for his house.
“Sorry!” Kankuro shouted back at him, not stopping to see it he was okay. He couldn’t let anything or anyone stand in his way.

….

Temari slumped back into her father’s old office, hands placed firmly on her hips. She wasn’t happy to be doing work on such a hot day in September. She could have sucked it up a little, but she decided to let everyone know she was tired and bothered and give everyone around her a lot of grief.
She picked up a brown cardboard box of her father’s now useless documents and walked out the door to the office, stepping carefully to avoid the shattered glass from the plaque she dropped earlier, and the clutter in the room. She slowly headed down the long narrow hallway to go file the papers into sections by their subjects. He let out a heavy sigh and yawned, squeezing her eyes shut.
Wham! Temari toppled to the ground, the white and yellow papers going flying out of the open box she was carrying. Many papers had become loose from the paper clips that held them together, and were around and on top of her. She sat up, her vision slightly blurred. She rubbed her head and let out a groan.
“What the-” she stopped before she could even finish her sentence. Kankuro raced by her, accidentally stepping on her hand as he went by. She stood up and rubbed her sore butt, like it was nobody’s business. She started picking up the dropped papers, making sure to sigh loud enough for everyone to hear her.

-----

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Old 08-07-2007, 08:12 PM   #7
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Those are some really nice chapters man, real nice.
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Old 08-07-2007, 11:37 PM   #8
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Man? Anyways, here goes: (By the way, this is the part I was refferring to when I said it might conflict with the storyline a little bit. I'll post an explanation when I'm done with this little arc. Really short. lol Like I said before, it might not make a difference to you anyways.)

Part 1 Chapter 3 (B)

“Baki-sensei!” Kankuro bellowed, bursting into the still cluttered office. He fell to his knees, breathing heavily from running so long and so far without stopping. His voice cracked loudly as he said this, but neither him nor the other ninja could care less, “We’ve got a really big problem-”

Boom! Loud explosions went off in the village and frightened screams were heard. The normally dark and gloomy room burst to life with bright lights from the small round windows around. Kankuro gave Baki and Gaara a pleading look. He quickly recomposed himself and ran down the hall, without waiting for their response to him. There was a few seconds of silence as the brutal situation sunk in.

“We’ve got to hurry!” Baki yelled, following Kankuro to where the explosions were recently heard. Gaara waited a moment, looking out the window showing the helpless villagers. He shut his eyes and sighed, slowly following the path his older brother and his sensei took.

Dead and wounded bodies littered the ground. Baki raced towards the chaotic battlefield, followed by Temari and Kankuro. On their way to the front gates to the village, they helped several of their wounded allies. Gaara was still standing quietly on the front steps of the building.

“Tch,” Gaara muttered, starting to walk again. Only this time, it was at a quicker pace.

-------

Another explosion went off in the village, and several screams of terror rang through the normally still air. A small building collapsed to the ground in flames, and unfamiliar battle cries were heard. Barely any Suna ninja were left unscathed.

A small boy collapsed to the ground, after being unexpectedly being stabbed by a flying dagger. It didn’t look like it was done on purpose; the ninja who hit him was from Suna, and looked shocked and ashamed that he had missed his target and severely injured the innocent child. Kankuro and Temari raced to him, and Temari felt his chest.

Temari spoke after a long pause, “He’s…. He’s not breathing,” she said as she checked his pulse, “He’s… Gone.”

Kankuro walked away, avoiding looking at the dead boy. He suddenly gasped.

“Look!” He said abruptly, pointing at another dead ninja that he had almost tripped over. It looked as though the ninja had been killed just moments ago.

“What is it?” Temari asked, walking over to him. He didn’t answer; he just stood there, shaking, still pointing at the ninja’s forehead. Temari gasped when she saw what he was referring to. The bloody Konohagakure headband glimmered in the bright sunlight.

-------

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Old 08-08-2007, 10:39 AM   #9
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Well done! Your doing great! Normally One doesn't put in the sound effect words like Wham or Boom but you pulled it off nicely. You got me wanting more and thats good. Can't wait for the next chapter and I mean it.
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Old 08-09-2007, 07:36 PM   #10
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Thanks for the comments: here goes: chapter 4. woot!

Part 1 Chapter 4

“So the rumors were true. It’s actually come to this,” Baki said so softly that Temari and Kankuro strained to hear his voice. It was even harder to hear him through the screams, explosions, and the noisy sounds of sharp and shiny weapons clanging together in the brutal clash.

A clear wet tear managed to escape Temari’s left eye. It slid down her cheek and stopped at her lower lip. For some strange reason that she was completely unsure of, she felt like letting go of herself and letting herself collapse to the ground, screaming like a newborn child not able to tell others her pain. She stifled a sob and pursed her lips to rid herself of her tear, the proof that all this was getting to her soul, and tearing her apart from the inside. Kankuro just fidgeted nervously, trying not to break down like a big sissy. He kept telling himself he was too old and tough for that babyish stuff, and that he had to suck it up, for people were depending on him now.

“What do we do now?” Temari asked, having large difficulty letting those few simple words escape her dry lips. Her throat felt as if it was closing up, and she couldn’t breathe. She looked up at her silent sensei, and he quickly turned away from her wet and glossy eyes.

“We fight,” he said softly, unmoving. He took a few moments to pull himself together again, then walked briskly towards the battlefield, followed by the now speechless Temari. All three of them were aware of the hopeless situation they were running into. They knew that even if they could hold their own, there would be many deaths. Even if Konoha backed off, the once strong and stable village would be in such a miserable and vulnerable state. Suna would be left in peace for long. There was no hope for them; it seemed, in either situation.

Kankuro just stood in the same spot he was in, motionless. He had no control over his legs. He didn’t know if he would live, or if anyone at all in Suna would live. A wave of anguish and terror washed over him. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind now, and he suddenly felt sick. His mouth hung open, and his right eye twitched, but he wasn’t even focused on that.

‘I might… I might die here.’ His thoughts raced. One thought stood out to him though, and he heard it over the buzz of all of the hundreds of other worries, ideas, and rants. ‘Why not end it now?’

He looked down at his chest to see two hands holding a kunai to his heart. He was shocked to see that they were his. Having no control over his actions, he slowly moved his hands away from his chest, kunai still clutched tightly, leaving more potential energy for him to gain momentum and power if he decided to really end it there. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. But something, or rather someone, stopped him.

“We can get through this,” Temari said suddenly from beside him. She had her gentle pale hands on his wrists. She guided him into putting his kunai back into the case tied tightly around his leg, just above his right knee.

She didn’t believe the words she was saying to her annoying brother, but she hoped that they would help him. She somehow felt responsible for his pain, although she had done nothing wrong.

--------


When they finally arrived to the fight scene, it seemed as if they were too late to do much for their fellow shinobi. Several ninja were covered in blood and bruises, whether the blood was theirs or not. They were still fighting for their lives, but there weren’t many left. The Suna ninja were breathing heavily, limping, and in some cases, coughing up their own blood.

Kankuro finally gazed past them to see the seemingly endless amount of Konoha shinobi that were fighting against them. It was too intimidating for his mind to comprehend. He looked over at his sister, who was reacting to their situation even worse than he was. She was on the ground, arms wrapped around her, like she was protecting herself from an evil force that was attacking her. He could hear her uneven breathing, interrupted by her sobbing and choking on her tears. His eyes were wide. He had never seen her panic before. She was usually the one to keep her cool and come up with a clever solution. But she was a useless pile of tears, with her head buried in her arms.

He bit his lip and looked at the Konoha ninja again. They were running towards them. He looked for his sensei, but Baki must have left a long time ago, for he was nowhere for Kankuro to see him. The Konoha ninja were so close now. He let out a groan. He crossed his arms, an automatic reflex to protect himself, even though he knew that it wouldn’t save him, and he prayed for a miracle.

----------

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Old 08-09-2007, 08:32 PM   #11
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Whoa... Kankuro was...Emo for a sec. Going good. Bring on more chapters! I can take them. *Grabs a fork and a knife*
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Old 08-09-2007, 10:12 PM   #12
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

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Old 08-09-2007, 11:53 PM   #13
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

Kwakers,stop going off topic and trying to get attention...

Anyways gaara,your getting better and better xD
post more,post more!!! xD
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Old 08-12-2007, 06:17 PM   #14
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

@ SM- lol. Yeah, he was a bit OOC there. lol
@ Kwakers- *sighs and tries not to say something that would get herself banned*
@ 4EK- thanks. But I'm just WAY too predictable. lol

This chapter might not be that great, and a bit dissapointing, I was having a writer's block and I just wrote it without too much thought behind it. I had already known the events, I just didn't know how to write it out. So... Here goes I guess. Nice and short and to the point kind of chapter. lol I'm hurrying to type the story up before I go to my dad's place for a week (he doesn't have the internet), and then back to school. Then my posts might slow down a bit. heheh.

Part 1 Chapter 5

“Aaah!”
The front two lines of Konoha shinobi were yanked underground, their arms all flailing wildly. Loud, frightened screams were heard, but quickly muffled as their heads were pulled into the hot dry sand. Kankuro, who was still shaking, let out a huge sigh of relief and smiled, leaning back against a rather large building that was still standing.
“Sabaku Taiso!” the exasperated Gaara shouted, pounding his palms into the sand.
An earthquake-like rumble knocked Kankuro to the ground, and he just let himself fall, smirking and shaking his head, “Nice of you to show up,” Kankuro said after the attack was finished and blood was once again spattered across the sand. “Even if you were a bit late.” He paused and stood back up, “Show-off,” he added, walking over to Temari.
“You’re welcome,” Gaara said softly, trying not to laugh at his older brother, who was still trembling with fear.
Baki appeared silently beside Temari and Kankuro. He was panting for breath and covered with blood. Temari just hoped that it wasn’t his.
“We’re going to surrender,” Baki stated, causing a collective gasp from all three siblings, “Konoha has offered an alliance treaty and has promised to leave our village if we stop attacking them.”
“And who are we to believe them? Idiots?” Kankuro spoke up, glaring up at his sensei, who had no intentions of letting his student debate with him about it.
“The decision has already been made,” Baki responded, pretending that he didn’t hear Kankuro’s argument, “I’m only speaking to you because I didn’t want you three to do anything that might make them angry, or make them change their minds.”
He turned and glanced at the many newly dead and wounded Konoha shinobi, whose limbs were scattered across the ground, covered in blood. He smacked his head and turned to Gaara, motioning at the dead bodies, “Things like that,” he said softly, shaking his head. Gaara just crossed his arms and looked away. Baki's forehead was now a bright red from hitting himself so hard.

Last edited by gaarasandchick13; 08-15-2007 at 01:45 PM.
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Old 08-13-2007, 01:36 AM   #15
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Re: The 5th Kazekage: A Spirit Repaired

A nice short little chapter,but I'm surprised Gaara "gasped",he barely does/say anything xD
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