i can't believe you?

xoRAZORBLADESxo · 11-24-2007, 04:18 PM

I'm not completely done with this song, but i really like it so i'm just gonna post what i have...

Low

this is a breakup song people. wake up and move!

I'll take the long way home,
Won't get much sleep tonight...
I'm all alone,
But the future's bright.

Been sitting here for hours.
Lost in a picture frame.
I'd call your house but it's all the same.
Can you speak?

You threw me down.
I can't get lower than the ground.

There's nothing left to say.
So we keep on moving.
Further now...Further now...

well, that's all i have so far. hope you like it!
I'll have an instrumental demo of this song on my bands website postedon monday so i'll post a link to that asap. :]

fieldscarcrow · 11-24-2007, 04:52 PM

I dont like it, the lines feel awkward and clumbsy. I cant feel a beat to it (I can but its awkward) and it feels like a poem more then anything

DarkAztek · 11-24-2007, 05:33 PM

Sorry, but there's already enough heartbreak songs similar to this one. You need some good similies and metaphors if you want to impress me.

skwee · 11-24-2007, 07:24 PM

I think it's too much like every other Emo song out there.Not saying your emo,just saying the song sounds that way.But also try to use other ways of saying it,more complex words,and other ways of using them.

xoRAZORBLADESxo · 11-24-2007, 08:17 PM

this is just my opinion, but i think when people get really into symbolism, many times they are just making it up and telling you what it means. that's why i like to be a bit more specific...idk, is that what you think i should do more of? Also, i'm pretty sure we've all felt this way before, so what makes it emo? The fact that it's a little sad? And trust me, i take all of your advice to heart, but i think it's perfect the way it is so I'm not going to change anything.

fieldscarcrow · 11-24-2007, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoRAZORBLADESxo

this is just my opinion, but i think when people get really into symbolism, many times they are just making it up and telling you what it means. that's why i like to be a bit more specific...idk, is that what you think i should do more of? Also, i'm pretty sure we've all felt this way before, so what makes it emo? The fact that it's a little sad? And trust me, i take all of your advice to heart, but i think it's perfect the way it is so I'm not going to change anything.

Right now my gf's parents dont want me going out with her for whatever reason, so they grounded her from me. And I wrote a song about it. But I dont make it about it striaght foward like:

She cant talk to me
Her parents are dicks
I hate them!

I use more a vauge way so I can get out what I want, and let people feel what THEY want to feel in the song. Like so:

Pushing against the pull
Pushing and x3
Pushing agains the pull
And Im getting sick and fucking tired of this!

Now that couldmean ALOT. Like Im fighting the something that cant be beaten, or im loosing myfaith in whatver it isthat im doing, etc. Straight foward lyrics in my opinion leave the song to flat andwith your song I just couldnt get into it because thats what YOU wanted ME to feel.

xoRAZORBLADESxo · 11-25-2007, 07:21 PM

Like I said before, thanks for all of your advice, but i really like the way i wrote it. I used to write in the style you showed me and I didn't even know what the fuck i was saying lol. So I tried to tone down the metaphors a little, (well i guess a lot :]) and I was really happy with it.

Dosu · 12-12-2007, 05:54 AM

it has potential, but I will say that it feels ridged and hard to get into, but then again I don't know what format your going for.

Soy Sauce is for America · 12-16-2007, 07:39 PM

That's nice

I could not do better.

11-24-2007, 04:18 PM	#1
xoRAZORBLADESxo Chuunin Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ohio. hopefully in bed soon. Age: 23 Posts: 318 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	i can't believe you? I'm not completely done with this song, but i really like it so i'm just gonna post what i have... Low this is a breakup song people. wake up and move! I'll take the long way home, Won't get much sleep tonight... I'm all alone, But the future's bright. Been sitting here for hours. Lost in a picture frame. I'd call your house but it's all the same. Can you speak? You threw me down. I can't get lower than the ground. There's nothing left to say. So we keep on moving. Further now...Further now... well, that's all i have so far. hope you like it! I'll have an instrumental demo of this song on my bands website postedon monday so i'll post a link to that asap. :] __________________ ^_^

11-24-2007, 04:52 PM	#2
fieldscarcrow Missing-Nin Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Long island, New york Age: 21 Posts: 1,729 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: i can't believe you? I dont like it, the lines feel awkward and clumbsy. I cant feel a beat to it (I can but its awkward) and it feels like a poem more then anything

11-24-2007, 05:33 PM	#3
DarkAztek Sand Man Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Massachusetts Age: 30 Posts: 3,324 Thanks: 64 Thanked 583 Times in 190 Posts	Re: i can't believe you? Sorry, but there's already enough heartbreak songs similar to this one. You need some good similies and metaphors if you want to impress me. __________________ [CENTER] Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō[/CENTER] [CENTER] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v293/HookerBodyShots/shark.jpg[/IMG][/CENTER] [center][b]Filler content[/b][/center]

11-24-2007, 07:24 PM	#4
skwee Hunter-Nin Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Under your bed. Age: 21 Posts: 1,098 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: i can't believe you? I think it's too much like every other Emo song out there.Not saying your emo,just saying the song sounds that way.But also try to use other ways of saying it,more complex words,and other ways of using them. __________________ "There are things you want to hear,and things you need to hear, and I am here to tell them to you..."-Skwee

11-24-2007, 08:17 PM	#5
xoRAZORBLADESxo Chuunin Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ohio. hopefully in bed soon. Age: 23 Posts: 318 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: i can't believe you? this is just my opinion, but i think when people get really into symbolism, many times they are just making it up and telling you what it means. that's why i like to be a bit more specific...idk, is that what you think i should do more of? Also, i'm pretty sure we've all felt this way before, so what makes it emo? The fact that it's a little sad? And trust me, i take all of your advice to heart, but i think it's perfect the way it is so I'm not going to change anything. __________________ ^_^

11-25-2007, 07:21 PM	#7
xoRAZORBLADESxo Chuunin Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ohio. hopefully in bed soon. Age: 23 Posts: 318 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: i can't believe you? Like I said before, thanks for all of your advice, but i really like the way i wrote it. I used to write in the style you showed me and I didn't even know what the fuck i was saying lol. So I tried to tone down the metaphors a little, (well i guess a lot :]) and I was really happy with it. __________________ ^_^

12-12-2007, 05:54 AM	#8
Dosu Hunter-Nin Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: swan diving off the toungs of crippled giants. Age: 26 Posts: 1,223 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: i can't believe you? it has potential, but I will say that it feels ridged and hard to get into, but then again I don't know what format your going for. __________________ Your moves are fast....but ours surpass that with the speed of sound. -Dosu Kinuta- Honor is relfected in one's deeds, inaction bespeaks of cowardice -Yoshimitsu-

12-16-2007, 07:39 PM	#9
Soy Sauce is for America Missing-Nin Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 132 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: i can't believe you? That's nice I could not do better.

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