Rate it

Sevi · 09-07-2009, 04:19 AM

Umm....
This might be stupid of me to put this here
But
I wrote a poem for my...err...with-any-luck-soon-to-be-gf, for her birthday.
And I know that there are some members who happen to be chiks.
And some members who happen to have great grammar.
.....
And some assholes as well
But anyway
Here it is
tell me what you guys think
And try not to be dicks about it
I really worked hard making it.
And I've never really done anything like this.

OG · 09-07-2009, 04:26 AM

"I love you, my dear"
^ that is too strong.

overall - too strong. no talks of loving her, forever, etc.

Azumi · 09-07-2009, 04:44 AM

Quote:

Your touch gives me tingles
Your look is a fire
Your smell is addicting
Your voice is a lyre

This is my favorite part. =)

Quote:

I want to say this,
I'll be there fo sho
No matter what happens
Where you are, I'll go

I think you should edit the bolded part. It ruins the mood (of the poem/letter).

And yeah, you've mentioned I love you like 3 times. I think you should use some word play to make it more romantic. ; )

Over all, 7/10.

That gurl is lucky. ^^,

Jaxon · 09-07-2009, 05:11 AM

Who the fuck is your girlfriend, the Cat In The Hat?

zer0systm · 09-07-2009, 05:16 AM

oh fuck I lol'd hard jax

Shrike · 09-07-2009, 05:22 AM

I am not going to be a dick and tell you that you won't score with that poem. Ever. OG told you.

If you tell her any of those things you did in a poem, epic fail. You should just squeeze your balls and ask her out/whatever you plan to do, while acting like you don't care.

Take that poem and burn it. That's the first step to manning up. Then just go and grab her.

If you EVER tell a chick you love her before you even got the the relationship part (and even then I have never said that), you will fail.

**Miburo** · 09-07-2009, 05:27 AM

Oh man, this is AWESOME!

Seriously. Give this to her. No way this will go bad. No. Possible. Way. Powder your balls, you want to smell nice when (not if, WHEN) she goes down on you.

Being totally serious. Awesome poem. Only thing that could make it better is maybe adding something about wanting to have kids with her. Pick some names out for them too. Then it'd be perfect.

This is going to be great. Make sure you let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you, man. I can't wait. Bracing for win. This is going to be so fucking awesome! If at all possible, have someone videotape you giving this to her, her reading it, and her reaction. Then post it on youtube. Because I'd love to see, with my own eye, how well this is going to go. I'm a sucker for that kinda stuff, I guess. I'm so excited for you! = )

Edit: Oh, and don't listen to the rest of these love nubs. They don't know shit. You cannot fail with this beautiful poem straight from the heart! GOGOGOGOGOGO!

UchihaTaijiya · 09-07-2009, 05:32 AM

^ lol.

You should shorten it. Tone it down too. I think you got very carried a way with the first draft.
Here, I did it for you xD

So I know this isn't
your typical letter
But hold on a bit
I think it gets better

Today is your birthday
And a fine one at that
You now are sixteen
So I tip you my hat

And this letter, from me
Is supposed to mean
All the things that I feel
But just can't be seen

I wish you were mine
And I hope you say yes
Even though I'm
A terrible mess

I wake up some days
And still can't believe
That I've held a girl
Too great to conceive

And when I'm around you
I'm sorry I'm dumb
I trip seven times
Cause you make me numb

I'll wrap this up
To not waste your time
With my ranting and raving
And terrible rhymes

Long story short
(Cause there's way more to tell)
You're reading this letter
And I'm nervous as hell

Merry Christmas, I mean
Happy Birthday to you
I wish you many more
And more presents, too

It's still corny, but these kind of poems always are. If she gets where you are coming from and can appreciate your effort, then good for you. If not, maybe poems shouldn't be your particular route xD

**Miburo** · 09-07-2009, 05:35 AM

^That won't work. You took out all the best parts. = (

Jaxon · 09-07-2009, 05:37 AM

Needs moar Green Eggs And Ham.

UchihaTaijiya · 09-07-2009, 05:40 AM

Yes, yes I did take out the desperately awesome parts.
But it was really just too long.

8]

Shrike · 09-07-2009, 05:40 AM

@Mibs - name for the first kid - Sasuke?

**Miburo** · 09-07-2009, 05:43 AM

I do not like green eggs and ham
but I would like to steal one of your shirts
and put it over my pillow while I jam
my penis in it

Sometimes when I stare at the shrine
of you that I made out of play dough
I jerk off, but not in a weird
stalker kind of way though

So how about you and me
get married or whatever
then I can sniff your hairbrush
all the time, or whenever

**Miburo** · 09-07-2009, 05:45 AM

I'm sure this poem won't ruin your
entire birthday and shit
but just incase I decided to also
put in a gift certificate

zer0systm · 09-07-2009, 05:47 AM

Green eggs and ham is fucking awesome...

Be prepared man it could go either way

she might say yes....

she might say

I would not, could not, in a box.
I could not, would not, with a fox.
I will not do it with a mouse.
I will not do it in a house.
I will not do it here or there.
I will not do it anywhere.
I do not like it, Sev-I-am.

09-07-2009, 04:19 AM	#1
Sevi Toothpick Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Here and there. Age: 19 Posts: 553 Thanks: 407 Thanked 60 Times in 26 Posts	Rate it Umm.... This might be stupid of me to put this here But I wrote a poem for my...err...with-any-luck-soon-to-be-gf, for her birthday. And I know that there are some members who happen to be chiks. And some members who happen to have great grammar. ..... And some assholes as well But anyway Here it is tell me what you guys think And try not to be dicks about it I really worked hard making it. And I've never really done anything like this. So I know this isn't your typical letter But hold on a bit I think it gets better Today is your birthday And a fine one at that You now are sixteen So I tip you my hat And this letter, from me Is supposed to mean All the things that I feel But just can't be seen I love you, my dear I can't put it more plainly And I hope that you notice My life is you, daily And I want you to know The day I met you You thundered my core And changed me, it's true I saw you there Silly and yellow Walking along Bissfully mellow But wait, hold on Not yellow, I see A golden tone A godess, is she You're Beauty's pure form And Wisdom's great mind You're Talent's hands And Apathy's crime I wish you were mine And I hope you said yes Even though I'm A terrible mess I wake up some days And still can't believe That I've held a girl Too great to conceive And when I'm around you I'm sorry I'm dumb I trip seven times Cause you make me numb When you look at me With those wonderful eyes My insides all melt And my body flies Your touch gives me tingles Your look is a fire Your smell is addicting Your voice is a lyre When I make you smile Inside I feel bright What is it I dread? Your sadness, my fright And if the sky fell And the land was bare So long as I had you I wouldn't care You are my life and I'll say it again I love you so much It's hard to explain I want to say this, I'll be there fo sho No matter what happens Where you are, I'll go I'll love you forever And hold you, no lie Your arms is the place Where I'd like to die I'll wrap this up To not waste your time With my ranting and raving And terrible rhymes Long story short (Cause there's way more to tell) You're reading this letter And I'm nervous as hell Merry Christmas, I mean Happy Birthday to you I wish you many more And more presents, too

09-07-2009, 04:26 AM	#2
OG [잊지 말아요] Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 26 Posts: 7,624 Thanks: 2,244 Thanked 4,189 Times in 1,817 Posts	Re: Rate it "I love you, my dear" ^ that is too strong. overall - too strong. no talks of loving her, forever, etc. __________________

09-07-2009, 05:11 AM	#4
Jaxon Groovy. Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 4,397 Thanks: 3,608 Thanked 12,543 Times in 3,693 Posts	Re: Rate it Who the fuck is your girlfriend, the Cat In The Hat?

09-07-2009, 05:16 AM	#5
zer0systm Antagonist Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: West. Australia Age: 24 Posts: 1,012 Thanks: 4,263 Thanked 8,045 Times in 2,868 Posts	Re: Rate it oh fuck I lol'd hard jax __________________ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

09-07-2009, 05:22 AM	#6
Shrike █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄ Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Silent Hill Posts: 5,177 Thanks: 7,917 Thanked 9,942 Times in 2,970 Posts	Re: Rate it I am not going to be a dick and tell you that you won't score with that poem. Ever. OG told you. If you tell her any of those things you did in a poem, epic fail. You should just squeeze your balls and ask her out/whatever you plan to do, while acting like you don't care. Take that poem and burn it. That's the first step to manning up. Then just go and grab her. If you EVER tell a chick you love her before you even got the the relationship part (and even then I have never said that), you will fail.

09-07-2009, 05:27 AM	#7
Miburo Deos Fortioribus Adesse Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Valhalla Posts: 3,543 Thanks: 34,417 Thanked 17,643 Times in 5,442 Posts	Re: Rate it Oh man, this is AWESOME! Seriously. Give this to her. No way this will go bad. No. Possible. Way. Powder your balls, you want to smell nice when (not if, WHEN) she goes down on you. Being totally serious. Awesome poem. Only thing that could make it better is maybe adding something about wanting to have kids with her. Pick some names out for them too. Then it'd be perfect. This is going to be great. Make sure you let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you, man. I can't wait. Bracing for win. This is going to be so fucking awesome! If at all possible, have someone videotape you giving this to her, her reading it, and her reaction. Then post it on youtube. Because I'd love to see, with my own eye, how well this is going to go. I'm a sucker for that kinda stuff, I guess. I'm so excited for you! = ) Edit: Oh, and don't listen to the rest of these love nubs. They don't know shit. You cannot fail with this beautiful poem straight from the heart! GOGOGOGOGOGO!

09-07-2009, 05:32 AM	#8
UchihaTaijiya sublimis ab unda Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,777 Thanks: 7,387 Thanked 3,312 Times in 1,249 Posts	Re: Rate it ^ lol. You should shorten it. Tone it down too. I think you got very carried a way with the first draft. Here, I did it for you xD So I know this isn't your typical letter But hold on a bit I think it gets better Today is your birthday And a fine one at that You now are sixteen So I tip you my hat And this letter, from me Is supposed to mean All the things that I feel But just can't be seen I wish you were mine And I hope you say yes Even though I'm A terrible mess I wake up some days And still can't believe That I've held a girl Too great to conceive And when I'm around you I'm sorry I'm dumb I trip seven times Cause you make me numb I'll wrap this up To not waste your time With my ranting and raving And terrible rhymes Long story short (Cause there's way more to tell) You're reading this letter And I'm nervous as hell Merry Christmas, I mean Happy Birthday to you I wish you many more And more presents, too It's still corny, but these kind of poems always are. If she gets where you are coming from and can appreciate your effort, then good for you. If not, maybe poems shouldn't be your particular route xD __________________ If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember It's no wonder how they scream Like you and I they must have some temper And I am dreaming of them on the plains Dirtying up their beds Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by All my instincts have failed me for once I must have somehow slept the whole night And I am dreaming of them with their kill Tearing it all apart Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart And how dare that you say you'll call When you know I need some peace of mind If you have to take sides with the animals Won't you do it with one who is kind And if the hawks in the trees need the dead If you're living you don't stand a chance For a time though you share the same bed There are only two ends to this dance You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed So for those of you falling in love keep it kind Keep it good Keep it right Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

09-07-2009, 05:35 AM	#9
Miburo Deos Fortioribus Adesse Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Valhalla Posts: 3,543 Thanks: 34,417 Thanked 17,643 Times in 5,442 Posts	Re: Rate it ^That won't work. You took out all the best parts. = (

09-07-2009, 05:37 AM	#10
Jaxon Groovy. Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 4,397 Thanks: 3,608 Thanked 12,543 Times in 3,693 Posts	Re: Rate it Needs moar Green Eggs And Ham.

09-07-2009, 05:40 AM	#11
UchihaTaijiya sublimis ab unda Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,777 Thanks: 7,387 Thanked 3,312 Times in 1,249 Posts	Re: Rate it Yes, yes I did take out the desperately awesome parts. But it was really just too long. 8] __________________ If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember It's no wonder how they scream Like you and I they must have some temper And I am dreaming of them on the plains Dirtying up their beds Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by All my instincts have failed me for once I must have somehow slept the whole night And I am dreaming of them with their kill Tearing it all apart Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart And how dare that you say you'll call When you know I need some peace of mind If you have to take sides with the animals Won't you do it with one who is kind And if the hawks in the trees need the dead If you're living you don't stand a chance For a time though you share the same bed There are only two ends to this dance You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed So for those of you falling in love keep it kind Keep it good Keep it right Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

09-07-2009, 05:40 AM	#12
Shrike █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄ Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Silent Hill Posts: 5,177 Thanks: 7,917 Thanked 9,942 Times in 2,970 Posts	Re: Rate it @Mibs - name for the first kid - Sasuke?

09-07-2009, 05:43 AM	#13
Miburo Deos Fortioribus Adesse Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Valhalla Posts: 3,543 Thanks: 34,417 Thanked 17,643 Times in 5,442 Posts	Re: Rate it I do not like green eggs and ham but I would like to steal one of your shirts and put it over my pillow while I jam my penis in it Sometimes when I stare at the shrine of you that I made out of play dough I jerk off, but not in a weird stalker kind of way though So how about you and me get married or whatever then I can sniff your hairbrush all the time, or whenever

09-07-2009, 05:45 AM	#14
Miburo Deos Fortioribus Adesse Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Valhalla Posts: 3,543 Thanks: 34,417 Thanked 17,643 Times in 5,442 Posts	Re: Rate it I'm sure this poem won't ruin your entire birthday and shit but just incase I decided to also put in a gift certificate

09-07-2009, 05:47 AM	#15
zer0systm Antagonist Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: West. Australia Age: 24 Posts: 1,012 Thanks: 4,263 Thanked 8,045 Times in 2,868 Posts	Re: Rate it Green eggs and ham is fucking awesome... Be prepared man it could go either way she might say yes.... she might say I would not, could not, in a box. I could not, would not, with a fox. I will not do it with a mouse. I will not do it in a house. I will not do it here or there. I will not do it anywhere. I do not like it, Sev-I-am. __________________ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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