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Old 09-07-2009, 04:19 AM   #1
Sevi
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Rate it

Umm....
This might be stupid of me to put this here
But
I wrote a poem for my...err...with-any-luck-soon-to-be-gf, for her birthday.
And I know that there are some members who happen to be chiks.
And some members who happen to have great grammar.
.....
And some assholes as well
But anyway
Here it is
tell me what you guys think
And try not to be dicks about it
I really worked hard making it.
And I've never really done anything like this.


So I know this isn't
your typical letter
But hold on a bit
I think it gets better

Today is your birthday
And a fine one at that
You now are sixteen
So I tip you my hat

And this letter, from me
Is supposed to mean
All the things that I feel
But just can't be seen

I love you, my dear
I can't put it more plainly
And I hope that you notice
My life is you, daily

And I want you to know
The day I met you
You thundered my core
And changed me, it's true

I saw you there
Silly and yellow
Walking along
Bissfully mellow

But wait, hold on
Not yellow, I see
A golden tone
A godess, is she

You're Beauty's pure form
And Wisdom's great mind
You're Talent's hands
And Apathy's crime

I wish you were mine
And I hope you said yes
Even though I'm
A terrible mess

I wake up some days
And still can't believe
That I've held a girl
Too great to conceive

And when I'm around you
I'm sorry I'm dumb
I trip seven times
Cause you make me numb

When you look at me
With those wonderful eyes
My insides all melt
And my body flies

Your touch gives me tingles
Your look is a fire
Your smell is addicting
Your voice is a lyre

When I make you smile
Inside I feel bright
What is it I dread?
Your sadness, my fright

And if the sky fell
And the land was bare
So long as I had you
I wouldn't care

You are my life
and I'll say it again
I love you so much
It's hard to explain

I want to say this,
I'll be there fo sho
No matter what happens
Where you are, I'll go

I'll love you forever
And hold you, no lie
Your arms is the place
Where I'd like to die

I'll wrap this up
To not waste your time
With my ranting and raving
And terrible rhymes

Long story short
(Cause there's way more to tell)
You're reading this letter
And I'm nervous as hell

Merry Christmas, I mean
Happy Birthday to you
I wish you many more
And more presents, too
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Old 09-07-2009, 04:26 AM   #2
OG
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Re: Rate it

"I love you, my dear"
^ that is too strong.

overall - too strong. no talks of loving her, forever, etc.
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Old 09-07-2009, 04:44 AM   #3
Azumi
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Re: Rate it

Quote:
Your touch gives me tingles
Your look is a fire
Your smell is addicting
Your voice is a lyre
This is my favorite part. =)

Quote:
I want to say this,
I'll be there fo sho
No matter what happens
Where you are, I'll go
I think you should edit the bolded part. It ruins the mood (of the poem/letter).

And yeah, you've mentioned I love you like 3 times. I think you should use some word play to make it more romantic. ; )

Over all, 7/10.

That gurl is lucky. ^^,
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Last edited by Azumi; 09-07-2009 at 04:47 AM.
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:11 AM   #4
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Re: Rate it

Who the fuck is your girlfriend, the Cat In The Hat?
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:16 AM   #5
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Re: Rate it

oh fuck I lol'd hard jax
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:22 AM   #6
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Re: Rate it

I am not going to be a dick and tell you that you won't score with that poem. Ever. OG told you.

If you tell her any of those things you did in a poem, epic fail. You should just squeeze your balls and ask her out/whatever you plan to do, while acting like you don't care.

Take that poem and burn it. That's the first step to manning up. Then just go and grab her.

If you EVER tell a chick you love her before you even got the the relationship part (and even then I have never said that), you will fail.
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:27 AM   #7
Miburo
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Re: Rate it

Oh man, this is AWESOME!

Seriously. Give this to her. No way this will go bad. No. Possible. Way. Powder your balls, you want to smell nice when (not if, WHEN) she goes down on you.

Being totally serious. Awesome poem. Only thing that could make it better is maybe adding something about wanting to have kids with her. Pick some names out for them too. Then it'd be perfect.

This is going to be great. Make sure you let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you, man. I can't wait. Bracing for win. This is going to be so fucking awesome! If at all possible, have someone videotape you giving this to her, her reading it, and her reaction. Then post it on youtube. Because I'd love to see, with my own eye, how well this is going to go. I'm a sucker for that kinda stuff, I guess. I'm so excited for you! = )


Edit: Oh, and don't listen to the rest of these love nubs. They don't know shit. You cannot fail with this beautiful poem straight from the heart! GOGOGOGOGOGO!
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:32 AM   #8
UchihaTaijiya
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Re: Rate it

^ lol.

You should shorten it. Tone it down too. I think you got very carried a way with the first draft.
Here, I did it for you xD


So I know this isn't
your typical letter
But hold on a bit
I think it gets better

Today is your birthday
And a fine one at that
You now are sixteen
So I tip you my hat

And this letter, from me
Is supposed to mean
All the things that I feel
But just can't be seen

I wish you were mine
And I hope you say yes
Even though I'm
A terrible mess

I wake up some days
And still can't believe
That I've held a girl
Too great to conceive

And when I'm around you
I'm sorry I'm dumb
I trip seven times
Cause you make me numb

I'll wrap this up
To not waste your time
With my ranting and raving
And terrible rhymes

Long story short
(Cause there's way more to tell)
You're reading this letter
And I'm nervous as hell

Merry Christmas, I mean
Happy Birthday to you
I wish you many more
And more presents, too


It's still corny, but these kind of poems always are. If she gets where you are coming from and can appreciate your effort, then good for you. If not, maybe poems shouldn't be your particular route xD
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If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember
It's no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you'll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won't you do it with one who is kind

And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you're living you don't stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

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Old 09-07-2009, 05:35 AM   #9
Miburo
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Re: Rate it

^That won't work. You took out all the best parts. = (
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:37 AM   #10
Jaxon
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Re: Rate it

Needs moar Green Eggs And Ham.
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:40 AM   #11
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Re: Rate it

Yes, yes I did take out the desperately awesome parts.
But it was really just too long.

8]
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If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember
It's no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you'll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won't you do it with one who is kind

And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you're living you don't stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

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Old 09-07-2009, 05:40 AM   #12
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Re: Rate it

@Mibs - name for the first kid - Sasuke?
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:43 AM   #13
Miburo
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Re: Rate it

I do not like green eggs and ham
but I would like to steal one of your shirts
and put it over my pillow while I jam
my penis in it

Sometimes when I stare at the shrine
of you that I made out of play dough
I jerk off, but not in a weird
stalker kind of way though

So how about you and me
get married or whatever
then I can sniff your hairbrush
all the time, or whenever
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:45 AM   #14
Miburo
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Re: Rate it

I'm sure this poem won't ruin your
entire birthday and shit
but just incase I decided to also
put in a gift certificate
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:47 AM   #15
zer0systm
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Re: Rate it

Green eggs and ham is fucking awesome...

Be prepared man it could go either way

she might say yes....

she might say

I would not, could not, in a box.
I could not, would not, with a fox.
I will not do it with a mouse.
I will not do it in a house.
I will not do it here or there.
I will not do it anywhere.
I do not like it, Sev-I-am.
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