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Old 09-14-2009, 11:57 PM   #1
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17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Don't tl;dr this shit, take notes.

-----

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

----

Now go forth and get that desired pussy!
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:59 PM   #2
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

I prefer my steps:

1. Be a man.
2. Get laid.
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:33 AM   #3
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

True, though this just made me laugh so hard I wanted to share it.
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:50 AM   #4
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by G
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
I love this part. <3

Quote:
Originally Posted by themadness
1. Be a man.
The question is How? ^^,
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:56 AM   #5
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azumi View Post
The question is How? ^^,
If you have to ask, you've already failed.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:06 AM   #6
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mal View Post
If you have to ask, you've already failed.
Ohh I wanna know why... ^^,
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:34 AM   #7
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Wow

/thank'd
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:06 AM   #8
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Just for the record - orvel and others, don't really try this. You'll just get cut for nothing.











































































Even that can't help you.
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Old 09-15-2009, 07:42 AM   #9
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Back to the 80's
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:13 AM   #10
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

I'm going shopping for a ring tomorrow...
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:17 PM   #11
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

That isn't how I seduce my women.


Oatmeal and books seem to work with all that hot ladies at the retirement home...Oh and you also have to be good at doing puzzles.
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:24 PM   #12
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

I thought you would of gone with the story that your grandson is a dentist and can hook up cheap dentures...
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Old 09-16-2009, 03:20 AM   #13
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

Fucking hilarious, but I doubted whether it'll work for two reasons.

1) That a whole fucking month without a shave man, that means no snogging, no munching(since girls complain). And have you ever tan with a beard, righttttttttttttttttt!!!!

2) Me nahhh no emo, so man nahh go cut him back, for someone girl.

Even if this do succeed, then it would mean, the girl is very very very gullible and I don't see me going through all this for her anyway.

In reality, its much easier all you mean is some doctored HIV positive result (which is easy to come by if you know the right person), smooth tongue and straight-face and the rest is history!!!
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Old 09-16-2009, 11:43 AM   #14
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

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1) That a whole fucking month without a shave man, that means no snogging, no munching(since girls complain). And have you ever tan with a beard, righttttttttttttttttt!!!!
Not the good ones, failure.
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:14 PM   #15
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Re: 17 Steps To Seducing A Woman Who Already Has A Boyfriend

are the women you know retarded
beards are fucking sexy
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