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Old 07-24-2010, 01:52 PM   #1
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Jokes Thread

Thanks to Mib's Brilliance this a a thread sole purpose for jokes of any kind !

I'll start off

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

LMAO.
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Old 07-24-2010, 02:13 PM   #2
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Re: Jokes Thread

Okay imma post alot so hold on to your britches XD

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

.......lmao

and

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

and ........................................ ..........

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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Old 07-24-2010, 04:03 PM   #3
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Re: Jokes Thread

In Alderson W.Va, an ordinance states: No lions shall be allowed to run wild on the streets of this city.
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Old 07-24-2010, 04:19 PM   #4
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Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nerox View Post
..."had a girlfriend once."...
Funny...
























jk ;D
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Old 07-24-2010, 04:20 PM   #5
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Re: Jokes Thread

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."


One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
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Old 07-24-2010, 05:55 PM   #6
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Re: Jokes Thread

Arab was interviewed @ the US Embassy for a Visa.
Consultant :What's your name?
Arab : A Aziz
C : Sex?
A : Yes 6 to 10 times a week
C : I mean, male or female?
A: Both male & female & sometimes camels too
C : Holy cow!
A : Yes, cows & dogs too!!!
C : Man,..isn't that hostile?
A : Horse style, dog style, any style
C : Oh...dear!
A : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
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Old 07-24-2010, 06:32 PM   #7
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Re: Jokes Thread

Differences between batman and a black man. Batman can go out without robin.

Such an unfair world? When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harrasment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £1.50 a min...some networks may vary.

How does a black lady take a pregnancy test?
She sticks a banana up herself, if it comes back half eaten there's another monkey on the way.
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Old 07-24-2010, 08:21 PM   #8
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Re: Jokes Thread

okay okay got one^_^

okay f-that since nutty had it on the narutard thread

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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Old 07-24-2010, 09:58 PM   #9
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Re: Jokes Thread

okay okay this i had to share XD

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
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Old 07-24-2010, 10:46 PM   #10
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Re: Jokes Thread

A few days ago, Japanese Prime Minister Mori was given some basic english conversation tips before he visited Washington and meets president Barack Obama. The instructor told the prime minister, "When you shake hands with president Obama, please say, how are you. Then obama should say i'm fine and you? Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we translators will do the rest for you. It looks simple but the truth is..

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said 'Who are you'. Mr Obama, a lil bit shocked still managed to react with humor. "Well i'm Michelle's husband, haha" he said. Then Mori replied,"Me too, haha" Then came a long defeaning silence in the meeting room.
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.



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Being Malaysian is about driving in a German car to an Indian restaurant for an Indonesian food, then travelling home, grabbing a Pakistani kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Because we have no originality.






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Old 07-25-2010, 11:39 AM   #11
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Re: Jokes Thread

ANother one ^_^

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.

The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first ?

and

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks,

''So, how was I?''

She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''
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Old 07-25-2010, 11:45 AM   #12
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Re: Jokes Thread

dumb political joke

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. Give me all your money.

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"
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Old 07-25-2010, 11:47 AM   #13
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Re: Jokes Thread

okay



Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

lmao little boy it aint stone.
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Old 07-25-2010, 11:53 AM   #14
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Re: Jokes Thread

^^^^ sass, u wick, i practically fell out me chair fallin, i hoping that wasn't targeted at me

here u go sas, u probably won't turn to stone, if u're mummified not much difference

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Which of these would you take home

Here is Aizen Advert for recruiting Vasto Lordes because I can't imagine how else he does it.

Becoming a Vasto Lorde does have its privileges, e.g you get to choose which meal you want today from a menu of hollows (big and small), adjucha, humans and the main course Shinigami's, but wait it's doesnt end there if you rip your mask off, you get the ultra special form of ARRANCAR, this baby comes with special Shinigami powers, extra powerful moves, like Grand-ray Cero and the extremely rare Zanpakuto. So sign up today, offer ends 31st Dec, terms and conditions apply. Please see Gin or Tosen for any further more details.





Here is a link to the sexiest thread ever

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Old 07-25-2010, 11:54 AM   #15
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Re: Jokes Thread

lmao was just a joke anways

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

this one real funny.
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