Many consider Hades to be the best game of 2020. The dungeon crawler has been praised for its story, soundtrack, art, and pretty much every element of its gameplay. One part of the game that has gotten a lot of attention is the unlockable romance storylines. Looking at the cast of characters and pairing one (or a few) of them up with the game’s hero, it’s hard not to imagine what dating them might be like. Would they be a good partner? Could you grow together, thrive together, build a life together? Would your relationship ascend to the glorious fields of Elysium like the souls of so many great heroes, perish in the raging fires of Asphodel, or would they just ghost you after one drink? We’ve assembled a definitive ranking of the Hades characters, from least to most dateable.
Before we get into it, let’s make something very clear: this list is not a ranking based on sexiness. We know all the characters are very sexy—just look at them. Look at their long flowing hair, their draping robes, their sculpted physiques. Those artists knew what they were doing, and we thank them for it. But we’re not here for lust. Worry about that on your own time. This is about love. Take a cold shower, and let’s get into it.
If you have even the most basic knowledge of Greek Mythology, you know this dude is bad news. He turned into a cow just to cheat on his wife. And a swan. And a shower of gold coins. Come on, man. Next!
Forget about the ship of Theseus, can I ship me and Theseus? The answer is no; he is a jerk. He may have been a hero in life, but he’s way too selfish (and way too into stabbing) to be a good partner. I’d rather be trapped in the labyrinth forever, thanks.
He’s the actual god of war. Do you think he’s great at peaceful conflict resolution? Do you think he’d go to couples therapy? No. He’s super hot, for sure, but so is a dumpster fire, so let’s just appreciate his hotness from afar.
Sure, she’s a GILF with cheekbones that can cut glass, and that’s all well and good until you upset her. Then, all of a sudden, it’s famine time. The crops are withering, the livestock are dead, and everyone is starving all because you didn’t wear the sweater she got you for your birthday.
He’s not a cheater or a creep on the level of his brother Zeus, but he’s condescending, arrogant, and dare I say, a little shellfish. I just can’t sea a future with him.
The game is named after him, so it feels rude to rank him so low, but between his issues with his son and his workaholism, this God of the Underworld is just a little too much doom and gloom. He has potential for growth, but he needs to soften up those hard edges.
Oh, boy-o. Sure, he’s fun and friendly, and he does always seem excited to see you, but he’s also a liar. If you tolerate that kind of dishonesty in a relationship, there can never be true intimacy and trust. He’s not someone you’d want to date, but maybe you can just bone.
This Fury is known as the Tormentor of Passions, which sounds pretty hot, but also super dangerous. She’s got a barbed whip and a bad attitude, two things I definitely appreciate in a woman but also know are more than likely to leave me in tears. I’ll leave her to what she does best: tormenting the souls of the damned for their crimes in life.
The wings on his shoes aren’t just for show—Hermes is one flighty guy. You can’t expect consistency from him. Where does he need to get to so fast? I just don’t trust it. I’d rather stay single and get my mail from the USPS.
I shouldn’t need to tell you this, but: Don’t date a musician, especially one who’s still hung up on their ex.
Come on, we just talked about this.
Is “emotionally unavailable” your type or what? I get it, he’s buff, he’s brave, he’s a hero, but he’s never getting over Achilles. If only there were a convenient word for someone’s singular small yet significant weakness.
Somehow, as intense as she is, she manages to be less scary than Alecto. She’s still not someone you want to date though, for your safety mainly. Also the only word she says is “murderer” which isn’t the best for pillow talk.
Don’t expect this God of Death to be the life of the party, and he certainly seems to have some emotional walls up, but he’s got his fair share of strengths too. He’s loyal, he’s determined, he’s got amazing hair. He does hate going into the mortal realm, though, so if that’s where you live…that’s probably going to be a problem. Maybe he’d be down to give a long distance relationship a shot! You never know until you ask.
She’s not really looking for a romantic relationship right now. It’s nothing personal; she’s just focusing on herself. But she does want to be friends, and if this were a list of the best Hades characters to befriend, she’d be number one with a bullet. Frankly you’d be a fool to say no to eternal friendship with a floating gorgon head, and I don’t take you for a fool.
Artemis is incredible. She’s beautiful, she’s strong, she’s got the power of the hunt on her side, BUT she’s not available to date. It’s kind of her whole thing. So, all we can do is admire from afar. (Not when she’s bathing, though. Read the myth of Actaeon and learn a lesson about boundaries.) Maybe invite her to frolic through the woods some time!
He’s a demigod, a war hero, and a loyal friend. He’s basically perfect, except for one little flaw—and I don’t mean his heel. There’s a possibility he might drop you if the chance to reunite with Patroclus presents itself… but what’s love without a little bit of risk?
The name invokes a sense of futility, of a hopeless push to complete a task that will never be done. But that’s not fair! Sisyphus has been working on his life, and deserves to be recognized for his personal growth. Sure, he defied the gods and attempted to cheat death, but he’s super sorry about it now and he’ll never do it again. He’s already hit his rock bottom, so it’s only up from here.
Chaos is the embodiment of the primordial void, and I don’t know about you, but that’s a void I’d like to gaze into. Maybe, just maybe, the void will gaze back. Maybe the void will give a flirty little wink. A girl can dream.
If you like the strong silent type, you’re in luck: this guy never says anything. That’s okay, though, because he uses all the time he saves by not talking to run multiple businesses! He ferries the souls of the recently deceased into the underworld, so you know he can always give you a ride. He also runs a little store stocked with useful items. An entrepreneur! The total package, really, unless you really need someone you can have deep conversations with. Then you’re out of luck.
Megaera can be a little intense, but you have to expect that from a Fury. She is the First of the Furies, and, in my opinion, easily the best. She’s got a wicked high ponytail, whip-smart wit, and she’s the only Fury welcome in the House of Hades. So, she’s a badass, but she’s also girl you can bring home to meet the family! Be careful, though—if you marry her, you’ll have to deal with some pretty gnarly sisters-in-law.
Everybody’s looking for a goth gf, and it doesn’t get much more goth than the actual goddess of Night. Nyx is nurturing, encouraging, and really has her act together. She’s not always perfectly honest, but her intentions are good, and she knows how to rock a statement necklace.
Yeah, he’s a minotaur, a demi-human with the head of a bull, but so what? Imagine the piggy-back rides he can give. Or, bull-back rides, I guess. He’s strong, he’s supportive, and if you can’t find a can opener he can just puncture the top with his magnificent horns. Bingo! You’ve got your beans, and chili night is saved.
If you’re into brains, she literally came out of one. Zeus’s, in fact (but don’t hold that against her). If you think you can match wits with the Goddess of Wisdom, you’re in luck. She’s balanced, thoughtful, and a master of strategic warfare, which is pretty much always a good skill to have in your back pocket.
With Dionysus, every day’s a party. He’s the god of wine, theatre, madness, and basically everything else fun. You’ll never need to worry about bringing a plus one to a wedding ever again—this dude definitely knows all the steps to the Cha-Cha Slide. If you’re the kind of person who wants to stay at home and chill instead of dancing naked under the full moon and drinking wine out of a horn, though, you might want to keep looking.
She’s the goddess of love and beauty—how can you go wrong? Okay, fine, there are a lot of ways you can go wrong (just read any Greek myth where someone is called “more beautiful than Aphrodite”). But, vanity aside, there’s no one who knows romance better. Just make sure Ares doesn’t catch you two together. They have a little thing going and I get the feeling he’s the jealous type.
She’s beautiful, she’s kind, she ushers in the changing of the seasons, she’s a woman who has it all… and I want to be the one to share it with her. I can see it now: tending a garden full of flowers, vegetables, and fruit trees. No pomegranates, though. There’s a lot of baggage there.
Sometimes you want a partner to challenge you, to push you out of your comfort zone and take you on wild adventures. Hypnos is not that kind of partner. Hypnos is lazy Sunday mornings eating blueberry pancakes in bed. He’s fuzzy slippers, takeout, and a Netflix binge. He’s a weighted blanket and the best damn nap you’ve ever taken. After all, he’s the God of Sleep. He’s not just about rest and comfort, either—he’s got a great sense of humor and will always be sure to cheer you up when something goes wrong. Even if you die trying to escape the Underworld, he’ll be right there to greet you with a grin and a joke.
You believe in Bouldy, and Bouldy believes in you. That sounds like the makings of a beautiful, mutually supportive love story to me. Sure, he doesn’t have Hollywood good looks but he’s a solid partner to lean on. He can be your rock.
So what, Bouldy wasn’t good enough for you? You need your partner to have superficial qualities like a body, the ability to process thought, and being made out of skin, bones, and organs instead of just a hunk of stone. Fine, then our sweet hero is the perfect fit. Zagreus is determined, kind, witty, and he knows how to put together a damn good outfit even with the limited resources available to him in the Underworld. Look at him, he’s just a good little guy. Sure, he’s got some emotional baggage and weird father stuff, but it’s 2021. Who doesn’t? Zag tries his damn best, and that’s all anyone can ask for.