The 20 Most Ridiculous Jason Statham One-Liners

Alistair Gray
Movies
Movies

Jason Statham is a man who is comfortable with silliness. He plays characters with names like ‘Bacon’ and ‘Turkish’ and ‘Chev Chelios’ and ‘Lee Christmas.’ He starred in Spy as an over-the-top James Bond type, who once claimed he re-attached a ripped off arm with his other arm. He makes movies like Crank where he runs around in a hospital gown with an erection, and this week’s thriller The Meg in which he faces off against a giant shark. It’s fair to say that Jason Statham has fun when he makes movies, as evidenced by some of the delightfully ludicrous one-liners he gets to spool off. These are 20 of his best movie pearlers.

The Meg

[Referring to a giant shark the size of a house] “I’m going to make this thing bleed.”

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

“I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn’t expecting a f—ing rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!”

The Transporter

“You don’t need your mouth to pee.”

The Expendables

[After deflating a thug’s basketball] “Next time I’ll deflate all your balls, friend.”

Transporter 2

[To a henchman, just before he kills him] “Have a good life… What’s left of it.”

Crank

“Do you think I’ve got ‘c–k’ written on my forehead?” [He does]

Transporter 3

“Do I look like a man who came halfway across Europe to die on a bridge?” [He does not]

The Expendables

[limerick] “I once knew a man named Tool/To me, he was the epitome of cool/He was good with a knife/bad with the wife/If you think you can beat me — prove it/If you think you can defeat me/Cool Tool/you gotta be a fool!”

Snatch

“It’s an unlicensed boxing match. It’s not a tickling competition.”

The Expendables 2

“By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and knife.” [He stabs a guy]

Parker

“If you don’t tell me what I need to know, I’m going to press down on this chair until it crushes your trachea. Trust me, it’s agonising. Plus, there’s the posthumous humiliation of having been killed with a chair.”

Transporter 3

Bad guy: “I’d like to offer you a position.”

Statham: “I’d like to offer you one: permanently disabled.”

Spy

“I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while on fire. Not the car; *I* was on fire.”

Safe

“I’ve been in restaurants all night. All I got served was lead.”

Crank

“I wonder how many steaks I could make out of you?”

Crank: High Voltage

“WHO’S GOT MY F—ING STRAWBERRY TART??”

Blitz

[While threatening a group of youths with a big stick] “This, lads, is a hurley. Used in the Irish game of hurling — a cross between hockey and murder.”

Revolver

“There is something about yourself that you don’t know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the sh—y puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I’m special. We share an addiction. We’re approval junkies. We’re all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-f—in’ rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we’re just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.”

Spy

“Nothing kills me. I’m immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.”

Transporter 2

[Answering a riddle, although to be honest, it’s way more fun without context] “A potato.”

The Meg is in cinemas now.

Alistair Gray
Blogger, writer, general word-make-gooder. I will proofread your article even if you don't want me to.